Institute of Happy Thoughts [1ST PLACE, NNWC]

Chapter 1: His Decision

"This is the third time, Denice. Tatlo sa loob lang ng limang buwan. Kailan mo ba ititigil ang kahibangan mong 'to? Nakakapagod na!" she hissed angrily, pacing up and down the length of the room. "Nakakapagod na," she repeated softly.

I watched her marched around the room, while I picked at the bandage around my right wrist. In her face was a mixture of anger, exasperation, but most of all, fear. She was afraid, I know, though she was trying to mask it by shouting all her frustration. Nang mapagod, umupo s'ya malapit sa pinto. She was pinching the bridge of her nose while taking a deep breath. Alam ko nagpipigil lang siyang umiyak. I had already seen that stance many times already, by now I am so familiar with it. I know she's going to cry any minute now. I shifted my gaze before I could witness that. It landed on the man sitting quietly at the far side of the room.

He had a defeated look as he glared at the cold floor of the hospital room. He had not spoken since he came and I doubt I would like to hear any more than what was already conveyed in between my sister's hysterical preaching.

Trying to forget their presence in my room, I turned to the window beside my bed. Since it was already dark, the window showed me my reflection instead of the view outside. It showed me a girl in a hospital gown who wanted nothing more than to escape this world.

Itinaas ko ang kamay ko at isinuklay iyon sa magulo at mahaba kong buhok. Ang malamlam kong mga mata na noon ay puno ng sigla ngayon ay wala ng buhay. Ang labi kong sagana sa tawa, ngayon ay nakalimutan na halos ang ngumiti.

Kailan nga ba nagsimula ang lahat ng 'to? It wasn't rebellion, I'm sure; I had already passed that age. I was just tired and so I had decided to end everything. Third time? Bah! What a joke. There were so many, kaso tatlo lang ang malala na kinailangan na 'kong isugod sa hospital. The first I remembered was when I drank handful of sleeping pills I found in our bathroom medicine cabinet. I was brought to the hospital in time so any complication was prevented. The second time was when I tried to drink poison disguised as milk, my kuya Jet found me on the act and harshly took it away and threw it on our kitchen sink. He gave me a dangerous look that time so I didn't complain when he brought me to the hospital. Now this, I locked myself in my room and slit my wrists. I don't like seeing blood, but I was desperate. I passed out that I thought I had succeeded, but when I opened my eyes, I was in a hospital room. I lost twelve pints of blood and earned myself ten stitches in both wrists.

"This has to stop, Denice," nilingon ko si ate Mela na nakaupo pa rin. Kitang-kita ko ang paghihirap sa mukha niya. "Tama na," she cried, at kasabay ng pagtulo ng luha niya ang pagbaling ko sa ibang direksiyon.

I'm not heartless, nasasaktan din akong makita silang ganyan, but instead of mumbling nonsense or making promises I knew I couldn't keep, I closed my eyes and remained in the only place I knew I belong—I savored the darkness.

"Gisingin n'yo na lang ako 'pag nand'yan na ang nurse." Humiga ako nang patagilid.

"Let her," malamig na boses ng Kuya ko ang huli kong narinig bago ko hinayaan ang sariling muling lamunin ng dilim.

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I'm running, feet bared of anything. I was running so hard as if my life depended on it, and it was. My breathing was heavy and my throat was burning now. Ang mukha ko basang basa ng pinagsamang pawis at luha. Panay ang lingon ko habang tumatakbo, naghahanap ng puwedeng taguan, lugar na magkakanlong sa akin at magtatago sa demonyong pilit akong tinutugis.

"Denice." He called my name with his raspy voice and I cringed at the lust that was chilling every bone in my body. "Stop fighting me. It will be alright, I promise." A soothing promise of hell, turning my stomach inside out; I almost heaved in disgust. I could feel him, his rough hand, like a burning coal against my skin.

Hindi ko na kaya pang tumakbo, the burning sensation in my feet and throat were already killing me. Sumuksok ako sa ilalim ng isang malaking drum, hoping its shadow was enough to hide me from my predator. Sumandal ako sa haligi ng drum habang habol ang aking paghinga. Narinig ko ang mga yabag niyang lumampas na sa pinagtataguan ko. Nagsisimula na 'kong magdiwang nang bigla na lang may humigit sa buhok ko.

"Found you!"

Bigla ang ginawa kong pagdilat. I jolted upright, scream clogged in my throat. I was sweating even though the room was cold. Itinaas ko ang nanginginig kong kamay just to be sure I am here, na hindi ito panaginip na naman. Idinampi ko iyon sa pisngi ko at hindi na 'ko nagulat sa luhang walang awat na namang naglalandas doon. Sawang-sawa na 'ko. Paulit-ulit, walang katapusan. Gusto ko na lang matapos lahat ng 'to. Bakit ba ayaw na lang nila 'ko hayaan? Bakit ba hindi nila 'ko maintindihan? Hindi ba nila nararamdamang hirap na hirap na ako?

Bigla akong napatingin sa pinto nang bumukas 'yon. Agad kong pinunasan ang mukha ko nang makita kong si kuya Jet ang pumasok. Blangko ang mukha niya at hindi ko mabasa ang kanyang iniisip, pero isa lang ang alam ko, he had already given up on me. Hindi ko alam kung dapat kong ikatuwa ang bagay na iyon.

"Kumusta na ang pakiramdam mo?" he asked; his face void of any emotion.

"Buhay pa," I answered bitterly. Nakita ko ang pagkibot ng kanyang labi.

"Good. 'Pag puwede ka nang lumabas dito, sa institusyon na ang tuloy mo. Naipadala na namin doon ang iba sa mga gamit mo."

I sniffed. "You haven't given up on that, I see."

"You've given us no choice!" tumaas nang bahagya ang boses ni Kuya, I wanted to cringed but I steeled my features. Hinilot nito ang sintido, halatang pinipigil ang sarili.

"Kuya, I'm a walking time bomb na ano mang oras puwedeng sumabog, at ngayon gusto mo akong mag-stay sa isang lugar kung saan nila itinatapon ang lahat ng mga bombang tulad ko. Para saan? Para party-party kami at sabay-sabay sumabog? Ano bang ini-expect mong mapapala ko roon? Realization of life's true meaning? Na may mga taong gustong mabuhay na hindi tulad kong wala namang sakit pero nagpipilit patayin ang sarili? Mali ka yata ng pagdadalhan sa akin Kuya, sana sa isang cancer rehabilitation institute mo 'ko ipadala, hindi sa isang suicidal rehab. Ano namang matututunan ko roon? Tips on how to kill myself?" Natawa ako nang malakas, which I didn't intend to, hindi ko na lang talaga mapigilan. "Well, it's fine anyway. If you just want to get rid of me then it's fine. I don't care anymore."

I saw him raised his hand and I readied myself for the blow, but it never came. When I looked at him, I saw pity, anguish, anger, and regret, too much emotion at once. It was as if I was looking at another man; a man I used to know from a long time ago. A time before everything crumbled into pieces.

Gusto kong magalit siya sa akin. Gusto kong sigawan niya 'ko. Pero nanatili lamang siyang tahimik habang pinagmamasdan ako.

Nakita kong humugot siya ng malalim na hininga. "Kakausapin ko lang 'yong doktor mo para maasikaso na ang release papers mo." Bumalik siya sa pagiging malamig. Ang emosyon sa mukha niya ay naglaho, na para bang hindi iyon totoong lahat, mga pawang guni-guni lamang.