I'd been here for 2 of the required 3 days so far. Everyone was asking me what I was looking forward to the most when I went home. I didn't have an answer for them. Hell, I didn't know if I could go home. My home was with Ben. And knowing he's not going to be there kills me.
At least here I have people to talk too. I know I could call the guys and have one of them come over, but I didn't want to bother them. They were all trying to move on with their lives. Who was I to stop them?
I sighed as I opened my door. I needed a smoke. Bad. I'd managed to wait 2 hours, they like you to do that, obviously it's their ploy to get you to stop all together.
"Trent!" I yelled when I saw him walking down the hall.
He grinned and made his way to my room after being stopped by several patients along the way. "Yes, Danny."
"Can I go out and smoke now?" I asked, giving him my best sweet smile.
Trent laughed and shook his head "stop with that. Yeah you've waited long enough. Feel like some company?" He asked, fishing for his cigarettes in his pocket.
I nodded. Trent was a chill guy. And I trusted him. That was something else I'd had a problem with in the past. Trust.
We made our way down the long hallway, trying my best to ignore the random patients that ran out of their room the moment anyone passed by their rooms.
"How long have you worked here?" I asked as I lit my cigarette.
He lit his own quickly and took a drag off it. "About 4 years this may." He replied.
"You must like it to stick with it that long" I said, taking a long hit and blowing it out slowly.
"Yeah, I do actually. I wanted to be a therapist at first, but they hired me as a nurse type of thing and I've done it ever since."
I nodded and offered him a small smile as I opted to sitting on the ground this time.
"You know I should be happy I'm getting out of here" I started "but I'm not. All I keep thinking about is going home to that big, empty house." I sighed and rested my head on my knees.
"I can't imagine what you must be going through right now, Danny. I'm really sorry for your loss. I didn't know Ben personally, but from what I've heard you say about him he sounds like he was an awesome guy"
I nodded and closed my eyes tightly, images of Ben and I flashing through my mind.
"He was. You would have loved him. Everyone loved him. Especially me"
Trent nodded and finished up his cigarette before taking a seat next to me. "Go ahead and have another when you're done. No need in rushing back in now"
That was one of the main reasons I liked Trent. He always seemed to know what I needed when I needed it. I was glad I'd met him.
"Thanks" I said simply, finishing my smoke before lighting another.
"Have you spoke to the guys that brought you in here?" He asked.
I shook my head. "The last time I remember speaking to him was at Ben's funeral." I admitted.
I hated being like that, but they were honestly the last people I wanted to talk too. At least now. They're the ones who locked me up in this place. They're the ones who found me. They're the ones who saved my life. I didn't want to be saved. I still don't. I still want to be with Ben. And that will never change.
"I'm sorry to hear that" Trent said, shaking his head. "The way things looked when they brought you in, you guys were really close."
I rested my head against the wall, and turned my head to the guy next to me. "We are. Those are honestly my best friends. I just....I don't really want to be around them right now. I'm embarrassed and I really don't want their sympathy." I stated.
Trent nodded. "I understand that. There's no reason for you to be embarrassed though. You were going through a lot and weren't quite sure how to handle it all." He added.
He was right. Although there was more going on with me than he realized. A lot more. But if I wanted to get out of here tomorrow I had to play dumb. Which I seemed to be good at. Things would be better when I got out. That I was sure of.
"I know...I wish I could convince my heart that though." I said, lowering my head so he couldn't see my smile.
This goody goody act was starting to get old.
"It will get better, Danny. You have a long road ahead of you, but I promise it'll get better" Trent said as he checked his watch. "We better be getting back in. Your last therapy session is in 20 minutes"
Great. Just what I wanted to do. Spend my time talking to some old dude about my feelings. Shit. If I were to really talk about my feelings they'd lock me up for sure.
"Oh yeah" I said, putting the cigarette butt out in the ashtray. I got to my feet, dusting myself off as we headed back inside the building.
I can do this. I thought. Just one more session and I can go home.
"Have a good one D" Trent said as he hurried down the hall to help out another patient.
Dr. Murphy always liked when I was early so I stopped in front of his door and knocked.
"Come in, Danny" he said with a small laugh.
I opened the door and stepped inside, taking my normal seat on the couch.
"How are you feeling today?" He asked.
"Pretty good actually. I think I'm ready to go home"
The doctor smiled and moved around his desk. "Good. Now are you going to go to your home or stay with friends?" He asked.
I didn't want to go home. That was the last thing I wanted. "I'll probably call someone. Maybe sam and James. Hopefully they wouldn't mind me crashing there"
He nodded. "Would you like me to call them and ask?"
I nodded. "Yeah please" I said.
He grabbed his phone and waited for his secretary to pick up. "Could you call James Cassells, he's on Mr. Worsnop's emergency contact list? Thank you Sally." He said. He was silent for a few moments and then he spoke again. "Is this James? Hey James this is doctor Murphy I'm here with Danny and he's got a question for you" he said as he handed me the phone.
I don't want to talk to him. Be good. "Hey mate" I began, taking a deep breath. "They're letting me out tomorrow and I was kind of wondering if I could stay with you and Sam. I don't want to be alone."
It didn't take long for the voice on the other end to respond "are you serious?! Of course you can stay with us..we can come pick you up tomorrow if you want."
I faked a smile and looked up at the doctor. "Any idea what time I'll be released tomorrow?" I asked.
"I'd say lunch time at the latest. I'd like to have a quick session with you before you leave" he added.
I nodded. "Alright. He said around lunch time tomorrow, James"
"Alright. We've all been so worried about you, Danny. You sound really good by the way" James said. I could tell he was smiling and it made me sick. He didn't deserve to be happy.
"I know. I'm sorry I scared you. I'll see you tomorrow"I said as I handed the phone back to the doctor.
"We'll see you tomorrow, James. Bye" Dr. Murphy said as he hung up the phone.
"So that's taken care of now." He began as he smiled down at me.
"Yeah. One less thing I have to worry about" I agreed.
We finished with our session and said our goodbyes. As I walked back to my room I stopped and asked Dr. Murphy if he had some paper and a pen I could borrow. He smiled and nodded and handed me a pad and pencil.
"Thanks. I'm going to make a list of things I want to do when I get home" I smiled.
"Good job, Danny. We'll discuss those tomorrow when you come in." He said as he waved and closed the door behind him.
Great. Now I have to write two lists. Oh well.
As I climbed on my bed, propping my head against my pillows I began making my lists. I'm going to get better. And I know just how to do it.
