Wake the Dead

chapter 52

Have you ever had sadness that is so intense it makes you heart to feel like it has sunk deep down into you stomach, never wanting to return? You feel the pain wedge it's way into your bones, allowing you to physically feel the sadness all through out your body? And then the guilt fills up the tendons of your muscles, lined with anger at the world? 

Your heavy heart and broken mind makes your pained body twitch in unbelievable and unforgettable sadness, much like my own right now as I stare at my best friend, unresponsive to my calls, laying next to an empty bottle of pills. Emily. 

Denial sets in and I mutter the only word that can possibly come out of my mouth right now many times. No. Every part of my body started to shake and I grasp on to her shoulders, hoping that I could shake us both awake from this horrid nightmare. But, this is no nightmare. This is real. This is happening. I let out a scream of agony, feeling the sadness course through my body. I let out another scream for help while the pain I felt was heavy enough to make me collapse. 

The reactions of her parents and older brother only made everything worse as they saw their beautiful daughters body lying there. Never again to wake up from a peaceful rest. Never again. 

No note. No goodbyes... Just left with her cold, lifeless body hiding under her blankets. The guilt was stronger than anything I have ever felt in my life. Just earlier today I had been over here, yelling, cursing, and fuming at her as she was me. 

Self hatred pumped through my veins as my mind seemed to turn against me. Guilt was making my head pound as my mind spit cruel thoughts at me. 'You deserve to die, not her.' 'You knew how much she was struggling, how capable she was of this..' 'This is YOUR fault. You pushed her over the edge.' 

More screams came out of my mouth as I felt that my body was trying to run out of my skin, not wanting to be me. I don't want to be me. I started to mutter how sorry I was, expecting Emily to hear me. I had come back here tonight to apologize. She is-...was- my only friend, my best friend, besides my sister and Trey. 

What were we even arguing about? Something to do with my father, her father, her brother, my sister, school, and any other shit that was randomly thrown into the conversation, even though it wasn't much of a conversation. It was just a fight... But, it was one more fight that Emily couldn't handle. 

*(End of flashback)*

My stomach sank and the pain of the sadness that I had become so familiar with started to course through my bones. I looked into the pale eyes that belonged to my sister and they were staring right back at me.

Heavy heart and broken mind.

My hands started to shake in the way they always do when the pain becomes so powerful and I spun around on my heels frantically. My mind reached out for her, wanting to hold her and tell her how sorry I am, but my instinct told me to get away. 

As I spun around to get to her I found that she was gone. I searched the room feeling my breath quicken and anger rise up with sadness. Why was she here? Why did she leave? Why am I going crazy? 

If felt guilt make my muscles twitch as my sister was erased from my life for the second time. I wanted to cry, scream, or punch something, but all I could do was stand at stare at the now empty room. "I'm so sorry, Syd. I'm sorry that I failed you.. I love you so much." I whispered out into the room, my voice sounding like it was going to crack from sobs at any minute. 

My mind and body were stunned and I felt the all too familiar feel of sadness pumping through my body. I was crazy. I was officially crazy.

I started to get angrier and angrier by the second. Why did I let my self get this crazy? Why was this happening to me!? Why did my sister have to die?! Why did I have to feel this pain!?