I Believe

The Call

It was an usual Saturday morning. Link and James, who was now 7 months old were playing in the backyard. Link was humming a random tune. I kept wishing he'd sing for me. Even his humming was soothing to my ears.
It was amazing.
I sat down next to them in the warm grass and put my head on Link's shoulder as I played with James' hands, clapping them together to the rhythm of the song. He smiled at me with his gorgeous eyes and once again, I felt that wave of familiarity when looking into those baby blues. And I thought, if something ever happened to Link, I would always have James. An awful thought, but somehow comforting as well.

"You're beautiful, Katnip, do you know that?" Link said after a while.

He had gotten the Katnip from 'Hunger Games'. He had finally read the books after me having to beg him for those horribly long 0.001 seconds.
Not knowing what to answer, I just kissed him on the cheek, earning a look of envy from James. I giggled and gave him one, too.

"Katty, Katty, Katnip," Link sang and grinned. "James, what do you think? Should we make up a song for mom?"

"Oh my god..." I shook my head.

"Did you hear that?" Link said and cupped his hand over James' ear, then whispered, "I think she likes me."

That stupid grin emerged on my face again. Then, Link's phone rang and the moment was paused. He excused himself and went inside to talk.

"Come here, James," I said and reached out my arms to pick him up.

We walked around the beautiful garden for a while and I tried to show James the butterflies on the flowers, but he kept picking at the collar of my t-shirt, too distracted to focus on anything else.
So I just walked around in silence, humming a similar tune that Link had hummed earlier.
A few minutes later, Link called my name and told me to put down James. Immediately, my hands turned shaky. His tone didn't seem... Cheerful. I had never seen him so serious before.

"I got a call from the hospital," he stated.

"Was it about mom?" I asked hesitantly.

Nod.

"Any good news?" I tried to stay cheerful. But that didn't help. It only made the following worse.

No nod. No headshake. No smile. His silence was as good as a headshake. My stomach felt like a black hole and I wanted to punch myself so I would feel something except for emptiness. Link quietly came to me and kneeled in front of me. I sat on his left knee and wrapped my arms around his neck, desperate for comfort.
Without even noticing, I started to sob. And I could tell Link was crying as well.

"I'm so sorry," he whispered.

"I know. I'm sorry too," I mumbled as I clutched the collar of his shirt.

"I know I have no chance of making you feel any better. But at least it was quick. She had been sleeping."

He actually did make me feel better, but I started sobbing even louder.

"We knew this would come," I said and he nodded. "We knew. We knew. But... I... Still... I still can't believe it."

"Do you want to be alone?"

I hugged him even tighter.

"No. Don't leave. Not right now."

"Then I won't."

And we just stayed there and hugged for a while. I didn't have to say anything, he understood.

"Mommy!" An adorable child's voice said all of a sudden.

We pulled away from the hug faster than the speed of light. James sat there with a puzzling look on his face, glaring at us intensely. I couldn't believe my ears. I couldn't help but smile through the tears.

"Did you hear that?" I said, still sobbing.

"I did. James' first word!" Link whisper shouted.

We picked him up at the same time, which ended up with James being held from both sides.

"Can you say 'dad'?" Link asked.

"Mommy!"

"No, you're not serious right now!"

"Mommy!"

"Say 'dad'."

"Clisty Ay!"

I was laughing now. They were adorable. I'm really happy I have them.

The same evening, when we were watching TV, something hit me. The wedding. Only four more months. Everything was planned out and perfect. Almost.
My mother wasn't going to see her daughter getting married. The thought of it killed me from the inside. I would've given anything for her to come and see me being happy for one last time. To see my husband and I have our first dance as a married couple. I couldn't take my own thoughts anymore, so I just ran out of the room and quickly found my guitar. 'Maybe playing something will help?' I thought and started to check if the guitar was tuned.
Just when I thought of what was I going to play, Link came in. He saw my tears and crouched down in front of me.

"Baby girl, I'm so sorry," he said and I put down my guitar.

And then we cried together, me sobbing into his shoulder again.

"I already miss her. So. So. Much," I cried.

"I know you do. And I miss her too. Let it all out."

"She will never see James Lincoln go to school, college... Build a life. She won't see us getting married. I can't bare the thought of her being gone. It just won't fit into my brain that the last time I saw her was the last time I saw her."

"Christy Kay, you are her daughter."

"So?"

"You are her amazing, gorgeous daughter. You're a successful youtuber, singer, a mother, a wife, you're the best daughter a mother can have. You make people smile. Just look at this from her perspective: you're everything Grace could've ever wished for. You're someone she could look at and say, 'I really did something.' You made your mother proud and that matters. She was a happy person, thanks to you. Think about that."

And I did. And again. And again.
And it actually made me better. What he said made me proud of both, myself and mom. What she had done was amazing. I owed her so much.

That night, just before going to bed, I whispered to myself, "Thank you, mother." Because I was truly grateful.