Ever Enough (Girlxgirl)

CHAPTER 4

The rumor-mill was relatively quiet today. No one had stopped me in the hall asking about my genitals and no one had laughed as I walked into class. It was a great start to what I hoped was a great day."Okay. I got it." I turned to look at Mia. Her mouth was full of blueberry muffin and I sighed. Slob. "Got what? Obviously not table manners." She kicked me under the table.

"My theory. About what happened." I groaned and put my head on the table. It created a loud bang and I groaned again as I felt a head ache coming on. I lifted my head to look at her. "Okay... don't get mad, but here it is. You were dating this chick named Ruth, or Rita, or was it Ruby? Well anyway, she dumped you because she found out you were a boy... now, I'm not saying you are a boy, but everyone says you have a penis, and I've never seen a penis on you, so I can't confirm that, but that's what I'm thinking. And then there's a bunch of bologna about you having AIDS, but that's a lie because you'd look sick and you'd be dying and I'm sure you wouldn't want to waste your time in a fucking high school. And then there's this thing that says you have a vagina also, which is highly unlikely, but whatever. Brownie points for creativity."

I stared with my mouth open. Okay, she got most of it right. "That may or may not be the truth." I muttered standing up, walking with purpose out of the cafeteria.

But she followed. "Come on. Tell me if I was right." I sighed. "You were right." I muttered heading for my locker. She celebrated, doing a happy dance I couldn't help but find cute. She stopped and smiled at me. "Alright. Now for another thing we need to address." We had reached my locker and I opened it. She waited patiently while I got my books for my next class out. "What?" I asked. "Can I lift up your shirt?" My blood ran cold as I looked at her hopeful face. The killer was; she wasn't joking around anymore. Her face was etched with worry. She was hopeful and worried. And I was stuck.

No she couldn't lift up my shirt. My scars. My cuts were under my shirt. I saw her hand moving to the seam of my shirt and I dropped my book and grabbed at her hand, trying to stop her, but I ended up scratching her and she pulled back, hissing in pain. "Damn girl!" She mumbled, pushing her sleeve back, revealing her arm. There were long parellel cuts on her forearm. Where I'd just scratched was blood. I gasped and tears clouded my vision. Why would she...?

She seemed so happy. She was always laughing and she was beautiful and she was smart. Why would she ever hurt herself? "I knew, okay?" She said, pulling her sleeve down. "The first day I came here, when I nudged you. I knew because that look on your face said it all. It's the same look I have on my face when my cuts get ripped open. Then the blood on your shirt gave you away." She was whispering.

I nodded numbly. Someone other that Ruby knew my secret. I'm suprised Ruby hadn't shouted it from the roof tops. "Why do you hurt yourself?" I asked, barely able to keep the pain out of my voice.

She shrugged. "Why do you hurt yourself?" I rolled my eyes trying to keep the tears locked away. "Because I have a penis." I told her. My voice shook. Her hand was cupping the side of my face before I could finish my sentence. "That's no reason to hurt yourself, Casey. You're a god damned beautiful girl, and no penis nor vagina can take that away. I don't like seeing my friends in pain." I laughed without humor. "Well then you need to stop also, because I happen to know you're a god damned beautiful girl too. You don't deserve that pain. I wish--I wish I could take it all away."

She smiled sweetly at me. She had a height gain of about 3 inches and she rested her forehead on mine. "I'll stop if you'll stop." She whispered. Her breath was intoxicating. A mix of the blueberry muffin she'd just devoured and a scent all her own. A scent I couldn't quite pin point, and I nodded without thinking, muttering the only words that came to mind. "We stop, then."

And then she kissed me.

He lips were soft, overwhelmingly so. And I smiled against her lips and kissed her back, feeling her arms hook around my waist and I did the same to her, running both my hands along her hips, pulling her closer.

I needed this, and somehow I felt that she needed it to, so I didn't feel so bad for deepening the kiss and nibbling her bottom lip, begging for access. Her mouth opened and her tongue flicked into my mouth, and I moan as I felt it run along my tongue. Her long eyelashes fluttered against my cheek and I felt butterflies deep in my stomach. They were slowly rising up my throat, to my extremities. And then in the exact moment I felt I was going to explode, she stopped the kiss, still holding me in her arms, as I held her, and I opened my eyes. She was smiling down at me, and I got this sudden yerning.

A yerning to be just like her. To have a body like her. To be a girl. A real girl. So I could truely be with her. Because I knew she'd want a girl. And my smile faultered the tiniest bit and she frowned. "Stop thinking about it, Case." She knew. She knew what I was feeling. And I smiled once more. A real smile, and pecked her soft lips again, everything in me telling me it was right. And she responded by giving me a little squeeze. "I'll try," I whispered happily.

As the bell rang, she reluctantly pulled away and picked up the neglected book on the floor, but kept my hand. And that shot the butterflies right back to my stomach. And I felt them flitting around in there for the rest of the day.  

*** 

Family therapy. Great. But I had been distracted ever since that kiss Mia and I shared in the hall at lunch. And I think I'd come to a conclusion. We weren't leaving this damned room until my parents agreed with my needs and wants. I wanted to be a real girl. And dammit I'd become one.

And I sounded like a broken record in my head. Saying it over and over and over. For years. Over half my fucking life wasted on those words. And I'd get my wish. My one wish. It had been on every birthday and christmas wishlist since I was little. I used to prance around the house in my mom's underwear and bra. I used to get into her lipstick and mascara. I used to cry when my mom wouldn't buy me a pink dress or a barbie. I used to lock myself up in my room for hours because I had to play football with those rough neighbor boys and I bruised easily.

I'm a mother fucking girl.

So I raised my hand when the therapist asked who would like to start. My mom looked shocked, Travis raised his eyebrow and my dad rolled his eyes, obviously mad he didn't get to start this time. I sat up as straight as a bean bag chair would allow me to and I looked at both my parents. My mom looked bored and my dad looked of hatred and business. Such an angry man.

"I would like a sex change."

The therapist sputtered, as he'd been drinking his coffee. My mom looked shocked. My dad burst into tears. My mom took one look at him, rolled her blue eyes and told him to step outside the room. He did, blubbering like a baby. "We've been over this." She mused. I shook my head. "No. We talked about a sex change. I never stated the fact that I wanted one." She sighed. "Well let's hear your plea." I rolled my eyes. "Recently, I went through a tough break up. Because of my penis. And--while I've put up with it this long--I'm sick of it. I'm a girl. Truely a girl. And I want to have a vagina and boobs and I don't care about the time it would take I just want to be a girl."

My mom stared at me. "You never told me you were dating someone--a girl?" I nodded. "She doesn't matter now. I'm over her. Theres a new girl though. I like her a lot." My mom smiled. She actually smiled. "Well I would love to meet her, Casey. A-and I suppose... we could make a couple calls. To some doctors and arrange appointments. I-if that's really what you want to do. I had no idea you wanted it so bad."

I couldn't hold it in, I got to my feet and threw myself into my mother, hugging her, the joyful tears falling. "Thank you so much mom, thank you!" She wrapped her arms around me tightly. Even if she was strict and business like, I felt her hunch over. I felt the love. Finally. And as I pulled away, I saw the wetness of her eyes, the tear tracks. Travis was smiling at her. Like she finally did something right for once.

"I guess this would be the perfect time to say my boyfriend and I are tying the knot. I proposed last night. We want it simple, because he can't see, so that would be a waste, but I wanted you all to know." Travis said with a coy smile as my dad entered again. He only ran back out as he started up again on the crying.

Well shit. This was a pretty good fucking day.