Grimes and Dixon

chapter 23: im not gay

"good morning rayne" Ben said to me at breakfast.
"good morning Ben" I said back.

I've been here with the saviors for about a week. they were all quite nice but nothing like home. Ben was shirtless again. literally in front of everyone at breakfast. there weren't any little kids, the youngest was ben's little brother. he was 14 and his name was Nathan.

I sat down with Ben and Nathan like I usually do. they were my only friends, mostly because they were the only people here my age and the only ones I talked to besides Negan every once and a while.

"Ben" I said and gasped at what I saw on his back.
"hmm?" he hummed and looked over to me.
"what happened to your back?" I asked.
"I'm not gay" he said. FAG was carved into his back.
"what happened?" I asked.
"I'll tell you later" he said and continued eating. I listened and continued eating.

•~•

"tell me" I said when we got into his room.
"okay, calm down" he laughed and we sat down. "so, before I came here, I was with my bestfriend, my uncle, my aunt, and my brother. my friend got bit. I've known him basically my whole life. I meet him in kindergarten. he was my bestfriend and I loved him, in the friend sort of sense. so when he got bit, I held him and I cried. I kissed the top of his head and told him I loved him and I cried so much. more than him. my uncle saw me and shot him in the head, as you do. that only made me scream and he got mad, said I was gonna attract more walkers. he kicked me and hit me and punched me and told me I was fag and took his knife and that happened" his eyes watered up as he told the story. mine did too and a tear rolled down my cheek.
"oh Ben, I'm so sorry" I said and hugged him. this was first hug I had since was raped and Dan tried to comfort me.
"it's okay" he said "now you tell me something" I let him go and sat back down on my butt.
"like what?" I asked
"what happened to you? people don't just beat themselves up like that" he asked.
"it's a long story" I said, trying to avoid it.
"I like stories" he said and sat back against the wall.
"you have to promise not to anyone, not your brother, and especially not Negan" I said and touched his knee.
"promise" he said.
"I did have a home before this, I'm not going to tell you where though" I said. he nodded. "and my friend, Dan, wanted to teach me how to drive. nailed it, by the way" we both laughed "and then our car was shot by some people that lived in the huge building. they beat us both up and stepped on my stomach" I lifted up my shirt to show him the foot shaped bruise, he gasped. I put my shirt back down. "and they-they" I started to tear up but I stopped myself "they raped me" I said quietly. he immediately pulled me into a hug and I started crying. "I don't want to have a baby. I can't have a baby"
"me and you can go on a run tonight" he said and rubbed my back. "I know how to sneak out without getting caught. we can get you something. I won't let you have this baby if you don't want too"
"it's too late, it's been two weeks" I said
"the baby won't be that big, I'm sure a couple pills will get rid of it" he said.
"what time will we leave?" I asked and looked up at him.
"I'll wake you up at around" he looked at the wrist watch. I'd looked at mine too. it was Rick's actually. he had given it to me to keep track of the time to come home. worked out well. "three AM" it was currently 11:30 and Nathan was on patrol, he'd be back in half an hour and usually Ben was sleeping by then. Nathan would wake up Ben and Ben would go on shift till three AM.
"I'll come and get you after my shift" he said. "go to sleep though, you're going to need every drop of energy you can find within your tiny body"

•~•

*carls pov*

*one week prior*

"dans back!" I heard Rosita shout from the gates. I ran to the gate, expecting to see rayne with him. only she wasn't there.

"where is rayne?" I asked, furious.
"she left" Dan said "I tried to find her and I would have been home earlier but I couldn't find her at all. I'm so so sorry Carl" he said. why did he have a strong accent all of a sudden?
"you left her?" I asked through gritted teeth. I started reaching for my gun at my thigh.
"Carl, she ran away and I couldn't find her. I looked for hours. I'm sorry" he pleaded.
"she" I said and took my gun out "is the love of my fucking life and you let her run away!" I screamed. people started crowding. "I've been worried fucking sick for a week for her not to come home! I fucking hate you Dan! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!" I held up my gun and cocked a bullet.
"Carl!" someone yelled. 
"I hate you!" I screamed. and just as I saw about to pull the trigger, everything went black.

•~•

raynes POV

*present*

"rayne" I heard quietly and my eyes sprung open.
"Ben?" I asked into the darkness.
"yeah, you ready to go?" he asked and turned on the lamp.
"y-yeah, let me grab my jacket" I said and grabbed Dan's jacket. I pulled on my combat boots and put my hair into a messy bun on top of my head. I slept in my jeans and teeshirt I wore that day because it was only three hours I was sleeping.
"okay" I said and turned off the lamp. I felt something grab my hand and I immediately felt different. it felt wrong. ben's hand was oversized, whereas carl's fit into mine like a puzzle piece. a perfect fit.

Ben opened up the door slightly and stuck out his head. he pulled on my hand and were walked quietly to where he usually snuck out. which was a lone window in the back. he slid it open and bent down on one knee and cupped his hands together. I put my right foot in his hands and looked around to make sure no one was there. I gripped the window sill and jumped out the window. Ben quickly followed and took my hand again.

"where are we going now?" I asked, still in a whisper. the savior's base is very advanced. with electricity and cameras covering the outside on top of the night watch. Ben put his fingers up to his lips and started crawling on all fours in the tall grass. I followed and he lead us to a place where the bottom of the fence was easy to bend. he slowly bent it upwards to make no noise and held my butt as I crawled under it. he slid under it and bent the fence back down. we both stood up and started walking into the woods.

"answer my question" I said.
"we are going into the city to the stores. you have your gun and knife right?" he asked. I lifted up my shirt a little bit to show him the extra gun I stole from the saviors in my waistband and the knife right next to it. "you better keep that gun safe. they will search if they find out it's missing. they won't suspect you though, since your new. just hide it under your mattress" I nodded.
"okay" he said. he took my hand. "I don't want to loose you. you are the only bestfriend I've had in a long time" I blushed but he couldn't see it in the dark. but I think he blushed too.

•~•

"we're here" Ben said. it was starting to get bright out and the sky was a dark blue. kind of how it used to be at midnight before the apocalypse. but now the skies are completely dark except the bright stars. amazing how much you could see when you have almost four years without pollution. this is exactly what our ancestors saw and had fantasies about, and now I finally understand why.

"Come on" Ben said, snapping me out of night sky thoughts. we climbed through the broken glass door of the drug store. Ben rapped on the window and made enough noise to see if there were any walkers. I heard a low groan to my right and pulled out my knife. Ben flashed the light and I stabbed it in the head. I smiled. I've gone a whole week without killing walkers and that was one way I let out my anger. we listened quietly for a few more moments for more sounds and decided the coast was clear. we walked over the crunching broken glass to the back of the store. Ben pounded his hands on the counter of the pharmacy and we heard no noises. we climbed over the counters and started searching through the bottles. after looking for 15 minutes I found them. abortion pills. I opened it up and took out a few. I looked down intently at the little white circle tablets. I was about to take away a human life. sure I've done it before but that was because the people have threatened to hurt my family. but this was different. this was an innocent baby. one that has done nothing wrong. I put my hand on my stomach. this baby was mine. the baby would look like me and be my own. I felt tears glide down my cheeks. why is this so difficult?

"rayne?" I heard to my left. I looked over. Ben held a large, white and pink bottle in his hand. I threw the ones in my hand to the floor and ran to him. he held me in his arms and I rested my head against his chest. staining his teeshirt with my tears.

"I can't" I sobbed and rubbed my tummy. "it's an innocent baby and it's mine. I can't get rid of it"
"it's okay" he said and rubbed my back. "I understand"

and that's how we were. standing in complete silence, mind my crying, in the middle of a drug store pharmacy, rocking back and forward in each others arms.

"I got you this, just in case you changed your mind" he said and showed me the bottle. prenatal vitamins. I smiled and looked up into his chocolate brown eyes that had glints of gold if they were in the correct lighting.
"thank you ben" I said.
"no problem" he said a grabbed my hand. "we need to leave before we get caught by watch" he said. I nodded and put my pills in ben's backpack.