Paranoid (Kellic)

Chapter 1

Kellins P.O.V.

I haven't always been what people like to call me; "Insane", "Psychotic", or "Crazy". Personally, I think I'm just. . . Me. But I developed, what the doctors assume is, Schizophrenia. I'm sure they're right though. I've experienced most all the symptoms. I have a severe version, of the most common type of schizophrenia called, "Paranoid Schizophrenia". Before I was schizophrenic, I was a normal kid. Two happily married parents, a little sister, a pet, I had everything a kid could ever want. My parents, named Mary and Henry, they're still married, but I don't see them often. I have bad memories that have to do with my father, and they're always working since my little sister died four years ago. Their only escape from the depression of her suicide is work. I live at their house, but I swear to God I haven't seen them in a month or so.

I don't know exactly why my sister, Kailey, killed herself. Maybe it was rough having a big brother with severe paranoid schizophrenia. Maybe she had things going on that nobody knew about. Maybe she was just depressed, like me. I wouldn't be so repulsed at the idea of dying. Like if a car was coming straight for me, I wouldn't jump out of the way, but I wouldn't voluntarily go and kill myself. That's kind of what it's like to be depressed. Just sad. Like how I feel now, only 10x worse because of the hallucinations and everything else that comes with the stress of having this disorder.

Now onto me, I'm 19 and I'm a freshman in college. Schizophrenia has affected me since I was 15. Since then I've had hallucinations from just seeing things or people that aren't there, all the way to getting killed. All of the bad hallucinations cause me to have panic attacks, and since I have no relatives that live nearby to help; I just rock back and forth until it goes away. You see, some people have schizophrenia, which is fairly common but I have the one of most severe types. My parents said I should go to the mental hospital for help but the truth is, I don't want help. I've been fine living on my own for 4 years. Maybe I need a boyfriend to help. I've tried that though, my record is 2 weeks then they freak out when I hallucinate and never call me back. It hurts but I think I will find someone at the right moment. Hopefully.

I got up from the table in the small cafeteria I was eating dinner at and headed back to my dorm which I lived in alone. Except on weekends that's when I walk home and go sit in my parents basement which is less lonely than the dorm. At least I have neighbors and people who actually like me here, at my parents, because I grew up in the house. Another thing is voices. There are little voices in my head telling me to kill myself or do horrible things. Most of the time I don't listen but they cause me to just...break down.

I was about to go put on some nice cozy and comfy pajamas and settle into bed. It was only 7 but if I stay up late it becomes dark and my hallucinations become more graphic. Even to the point where I don't think they are fake. But when I opened my door I saw someone. This happened often so I just automatically assumed I was hallucinating. I looked him in the eye. He had shoulder length dark brown hair, dark brown eyes, and finally a nose ring which really complimented his eye color. His skin tone was a bit dark compared to my pale white skin. Probably Hispanic. He looked at me and gave me a warm smile. But the voices kept telling me he was fake.

"He's fake'

"Just leave,"

"Even if he is real he will just leave like everyone else" said the voices. I frowned and then shut the door and headed to the bathrooms. Nobody was ever in there. I sat down by the door and locked it. A tear escaped my eye. Why did I have to be stuck with this fucking disorder? I could be a normal college student drinking alcohol, going to parties, everything. But no. Everyone on campus hates me and this cute as fuck Mexican boy probably will end up doing the same.

By now, the tears were spilling out. I tried to stop them when I heard a knock on the bathroom door but it is no use. Lets face it I'm stuck with this disorder for life and I'm probably going to end up driving myself over the edge. I heard a knock again but ignored it. There was so many thoughts going on in my head that was the most miniscule of my problems.

"Hey Kellin is it?" the person asked. I ignored them and kept sobbing. "Please open up, I want to know what I did wrong."

I still wasn't completely sure if it was a voice or an actual person but I unlocked the door anyway. The cute boy walked in and knelt down beside me. He grabbed my face in his hands and wiped the tears away with his thumbs.

"are you ok?" Nobody has ever asked me that simple question. The answer is no. No I am not ok, but did I want to tell this complete stranger that? I simply shook my head as a new stream of tears fell. The voices and visions clouded my mind until I forgot everything. All I saw was the visions and hallucinations and all I heard were the voices. I rocked back and forth trying to get the vivid images to stop but they didn't and I didn't stop crying.

All I felt was someone pull me into them as I cried. I didn't push him away though. I craved that sort of affection. I rested my head on his shoulders and I cried trying to push the graphic images of my dead sister and even my own dead body out of my mind.

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