First Love, First War, First Step |√|

The Grave

By the time I walked halfway to the cemetery, my anger started to dissipate.  My stubbornness was still firmly in place, but I knew that if I went charging in there, I was only going to make things worse between the two of us.

According to Matthew, Luke's body had been laid to rest among those whom the government considered rebellious.  However, he was further away from the larger contingent of tombstones, near a small grove of trees.

That's where I made my approach, preferring to try to gauge  what mood Meara was in before I intruded.

She was the only one I saw among those forgotten graves, the owners' families too ashamed or too frightened to visit those who laid beneath the earth.

Her back was facing towards where I was currently situated, so I padded carefully out of the grove into the overgrown grass.

The closer I got, the more I started to realize that Meara was talking through body-wrecking sobs.  I halted in my progress and listened to the one-sided conversation.

"I'm trying to understand why you did it, Luke," she managed, choking a little on his name.  "Why did you immerse yourself in such a thing?  Why did you fall in love with someone like that and then allow yourself to take all the blame?

"I need you, need you more than you could ever realize because you left me.  I wanted to pretend that night when you didn't come home that I didn't know what it meant."

She shuddered with the force of her tears, and I saw her pound her fists into the ground.

"How could you be so selfish, Luke!  You left me behind, and now your actions are going to take everyone else I love from me!  I hate that person you dared to love, and every time I look at her, I'm going to see your blood staining her hands!  How could you!"

"Meara," I whispered, laying a hand on her quivering shoulder, "your brother deserved better than this.  If I had known what was going to happen, I would have tried harder to stop it."

When she didn't immediately turn around and whack me in the face, I took it as a good sign and knelt on the grass covering my husband's body next to her.

Only then did I look at the tombstone and what had been carved on it.

Here Lies Luke,
A Traitor To All Our Ideals,
A Rebel To Our Perfect Society.
May His Name Forever Be Cursed.

I swallowed hard, a film clouding those horrid words as tears sprung to my eyes.

"Oh, Luke," I muttered, reaching out and covering his name with my hand, "if only I had managed to get you to come back home that night.  If only I had stayed instead of you."

Those tears spilled over, and I felt them tracing their familiar paths down my face as I ran a finger over the grooves of his name.

"What do you mean?" Meara asked, startling me because I had forgotten that she was even there.  "Where was my brother?"

I turned my face towards her and saw barely bridled fury like I had expected.  What I didn't expect was the dare within her eyes as if she wanted me to tell a lie.

My fingers still on the stone, I gently rubbed the only word on there that I could love.  "Luke had a meeting the night that Enforcement took him in.  I had no idea what it was about, but he promised me that it would only take an hour.

"When he didn't come back, I looked through his papers and found a note that he had left there.  Even after I found him, Luke refused to come back with me, insisting that he would be fine."

I shut my eyes, remembering the last kiss we ever shared.  How I wished that I had clung to him longer, that I had begged more for him to come with me.

"You calling me a killer, much less your brother's killer, made something that I had thought buried find its way to the surface," I whispered.  "I should have stayed with him that night instead of leaving.  I should have died right next to him, trying to say everything that I could before this life slipped through our hands."

"Why didn't you choose that then?" Meara challenged, her gaze now upon the ground as if Luke would suddenly spring up and spout an answer.  "Why didn't you turn yourself in and spend every last moment that Enforcement would give you with my brother?"

I sighed.  "At the root of almost every human who has ever walked this earth, there is a drive to live, no matter what it takes.  It is what drove those before us to destroy each other, almost to the brink of extinction.

"Much as I hate to admit it, that want to live was part of what stayed my tongue and froze my feet."

Triumph shone in the depths of her eyes, and I felt regret prick my chest.  Before she could crow her victory, I continued with what I was saying.

"The other reason is less selfish," I muttered, placing my hand over my heart.  "I thought perhaps if I didn't say anything, didn't demonstrate anything regarding Luke, they would just punish him for breaking curfew.  If I had stepped forward, I would have put more than just my life at risk.

"Ever since they killed Luke, I wish that I had forced him to leave.  I wish that I had stubbornly stuck to his side, despite the consequences, and had remained with him to the end."

I reached into my coat pocket and retrieved the photo of the two of us.  "Maybe our love wasn't legal in the eyes of Enforcement, but we were better for it.  I loved Luke more than I think I could ever express, and I know that he loved me just as much. 

"We made each other happy, Meara, and if you want to take any of what I said to your superiors, I would welcome death deep down in the part of me that's selfish.  I want the chance to see Luke again, and the only way that's going to happen is if I die."

Carefully, I laid the picture in her hand.  "I know that I need to remain here for however much longer I'm needed, but that doesn't help dull the pain.  There are days when I wake up, expecting to find your brother waiting outside my front door for me before that awful dull knife of pain thrusts itself back into my chest to remind me he's never coming back."

Ignoring her after I had delivered my piece, I laid my forehead against the cold stone, wishing it was Luke's warm face.  "I love you," I choked out before pressing a kiss against his name.

With that, I somehow managed to get to my feet and walk away without falling to pieces.

I felt raw, after all I had said to Meara, like a pumpkin whose innards had been scraped out.  There my sister-in-law sat, and she didn't even know how far our relationship had extended.

I wished I could open up my chest and show her my heart.  I wished I could show her how deep the loss of Luke had affected me and how the hole in my heart continued to grow.

Maybe I had done the right thing, telling Meara everything I dared.  Maybe she would come to me tomorrow and start to understand why Luke and I had stood by the Igniters, despite the fact she had little to no idea they existed.

Maybe, though, I had taken too much of a risk by opening up to her.  Maybe tomorrow, instead of finding her at my door, I would discover Enforcers coming to drag me off.

My death wouldn't be pretty, and it certainly wouldn't be instantaneous.  Very few would mourn my passing, but I'd be with Luke, my husband, my love, again.

I was selfish for hoping that death would come to my doorway.  I was selfish for wanting to leave behind unfinished business.  I was selfish for wanting to ignore everything that the Igniters were working for.

However, as I looked back at Meara still kneeling on her brother's grave, the piece of me that wasn't willing to give up yet dared to hope.