First Love, First War, First Step |√|

Truth

I yawned and rolled over onto my left side, flinging my arm across the other side of the bed.

A squeak escaped my throat when my hand collided with a warm body next to me, and my eyes flew open as I sat up.

"Glad to see you finally woke up, sleepy," a familiar voice I thought I would never hear again said. "I would have worried that you had died next to me if it hadn't been for the fact that you were breathing."

I stared shell-shocked into those teasing cyan eyes before managing to whisper, "Luke?"

The name tore itself out of my throat, leaving the thorns of bitterness trapped within the flesh. A sob rose up against my best attempts, and I reached out a trembling hand to touch his face.

"You were dead," I muttered, running a finger lightly across his cheek. "I watched you die. I watched you stop breathing."

A bittersweet smile caressed his lips, and my husband reached for me, pulling me into his embrace. "Oh, Lane, I wish I could have spared you all this pain. I wish that you didn't have to go through this without me."

"Luke," I whispered, digging my fingers into his back. "Luke."

He held me as I buried my face in his chest and sobbed his name repeatedly. I felt his legs twine with mine, and I tightened my hold on him as if my body could meld with his.

"I know what you're planning, Lane," Luke said once I had exhausted my tears and laid drained in his embrace. "I know what is going to happen if you follow through with your crazy plan, and I can't say that I'll be horribly disappointed at the outcome."

I managed a teary grin. "I won't be, Luke. I plan to use everything that you generously gave me: your love, my life, the Igniters, that poor teddy bear, to my advantage."

My husband's lips turned up in a sad smile, and I felt him rest his hand against my stomach. "I'm so sorry."

I moved one of my hands up to tangle in his hair. "You didn't know, Luke. It's not your fault."

"It's not your fault that I died, yet you carry the guilt like you're the only one who can save the world," he answered. "I figure until you learn to let go of that, I am entitled to carry my own about leaving you all alone."

"We made plenty of mistakes, but I never will regret what we shared and what we had. You made my cloudy days sunny, you made the dead grass bloom into wildflowers, and you were the glue that helped to hold all my cracked pieces together," I whispered.  "You made me better than I was on my own, and my only regret is that we didn't have longer."

His eyes were shimmering with tears, but rather than returning words, Luke bent his head and kissed me.

It was an odd mixture of goodbyes and hellos, of sorrow and happiness, of strength and weakness, but it was all purely love and left no doubt in mind how much we meant to each other.

"Goodbye for now, Lane," my love muttered after he had taken my breath away from me. "We will meet again someday, but it won't be on this earth."

His lips met mine again, and I closed my eyes after memorizing as much of him as I could.

When my eyelids fluttered upward, I found that my lips were pressed against my pillow, and with a strangled sob, I picked it up and threw it against the wall with all my strength.

How I wished that it was more than just a dream! How I wished that it had truly been Luke's heart beating against his chest, Luke's mouth pressed against mine in a gentle but intense caress, Luke's body twined with mine!

As tears poured down my cheeks unchecked, I stumbled out of bed and tugged on the first clothes that my fingers touched. Despite my emotional state, I had agreed to meet with Meara and Matthew tonight, two days after the Igniters had last met.

When I had arranged the meeting with Meara, she had told me that Luther and his wife had been taken in by Enforcement and it was only a matter of days until her parents were imprisoned as well.

Somehow, I managed to make it to where Matthew and I had agreed to meet and slid to the ground. Moments later, he joined me on the cold stones.

"I saw Luke tonight," I whispered, pulling my knees up to my chin and wrapping my arms about them. "I had a moment of hope when I thought maybe it was all just a dream, that it was really him next to me. It's not, though, and here I am stuck with all this pain and guilt."

He was silent for a long moment, and when his voice broke the darkness, I was startled for a moment.

"I wish I didn't have to tell you what I do, but my silence has gone on too long," Matthew said slowly, dwelling on each word like it hurt to say. "I don't know who you blame for Enforcement finding Luke that night. I don't know whether you blame yourself or someone else.

"I believe that you suspect that someone among us is a traitor. Ilania, I hate to admit this, but you're right."

I closed my eyes, wondering if my already-shattered heart was ready for someone to stomp all over the remains.

"Enforcement was getting too close to us already, and they suspected greatly that Luke was involved because of his mechanical bugs among other things. It seemed to be the easiest thing at the time, but I wasn't expecting the burden that would haunt me every time I had to look at you."

"You set him up," I managed, clenching my fingers until they went numb, just like the rest of me as my suspicions were confirmed. "You sent that note to get him exactly where you wanted him, and as soon as you knew that Enforcement was coming, you hightailed it out of there. You knew that Luke would do the noble thing and stay to make sure that the rest of the Igniters were gone before he left himself."

Matthew couldn't look me in the eyes, lending credibility to everything that I had just said.

"You left him to die, to shoulder all the blame, and you have the audacity to act like his death was a mistake. You're exactly what Luther said that your parents were. You saved your own skin by sacrificing the person that held my heart, had lit my soul, and captivated me!"

I struggled to keep my voice low and my rage from boiling over. "You're a snake, Matthew! If this rebellion didn't need you so much, I would let Meara haul your sorry butt into her superiors."

"What's this about me hauling someone's butt into Enforcement?" Meara asked, plopping down next to the two of us.

"It's nothing," Matthew muttered, shooting me a look that clearly told me to keep my mouth shut. "Ilania and I were arguing over something that has been progressing for a while."

I pursed my lips but couldn't help a snarky comment. "The conversation was quite enlightening. In fact, it was so enlightening that I believe that I'll leave you to discuss the Igniters with Matthew. I have some things to think over, and I fear I wouldn't be good company tonight."

"But..." he protested, but I was already standing up and brushing the gravel off of my bottom, intentionally flicking a few pieces at him.

"Good luck, Matthew," I said. "I'll talk to you both later."

With my chin raised high, I marched out of their range. Matthew may be the wax currently holding the Igniters together, but I could be the sunlight that would dissolve that bond.

However, it was long past time for our world to change, so I would keep my lips sealed for a while.