It was me, not you

Chapter 7

"What are you doing?" Sam asks as I grab my navy handbag and keys. 

"Going for a drive. I have been cooped up in here for a week. Everything in this house is a reminder that I lost my baby. I need to get out of this house" I explain to him. He looks down and steps towards me. He grabs my hands and looks into my eyes.

"You're going to get through this. You have me" he says. I smile and look into his green eyes. "Go" he says. I grab my keys and kiss him on the cheek. I walk out and drive my car to mama's house. I look at the barn and walk in up to Stefan's room. I knock on the door and he opens.

"Can I come in?" I ask looking down at the ground.

"Are you sure that's a good idea" he says. I look up at him and I knew he didn't mean it. 

"I just didn't know where else to go. This was a mistake. Coming here.  I shouldn't have come here" I say and walk off. He runs out and catches up to me.

"Wait" he says. I turn around and he gestures me into his room. I sit down on his bed and take a huge breath. He sits down on an armchair and looks at me. "I'm sorry about your baby." he says.

I shake my head. "That's alright I really wasn't up for any apologizes" I say and look down at my feet. "Can I ask you a question?" I ask looking up at him. He shuffles forward in his chair.

"Sure" he says.

"If you could go back to when your family died, how would you grieve for them? Like how would you grieve?" I ask. I ask him that because I had no clue what to do, in all the ways I grieve have been wrong and from experience I never leant the right way to. I was hoping he might know.

"I can't answer that for you" he says and walks over and sits by my side.

"Why not?" I ask about to be in tears.

"Because everyone does it differently. But I will say, be with the people that make you happy or people you trust. People you think you can rely on. But you'll get through it, you're strong" he says.

"I don't think I am any more. I have dealt with so much shit in my life I just want it to stop. Make. It. Stop" I say and bow my head into his peck.  He wraps his arms around me and holds me tight. 

He lets go and I wipe the tears from my face.  "You know when I was in youth group. Some one said this quote, it has stuck with me all these years. Faith would get her through when she had to face tomorrow, but her grief needed the tears to fall. There was healing in those tears." he says.  I look up at him and say thank you. "No worries. I will always be there for you." he says. He wipes his tears from my face and whispers "Do you know how much I love you?" he says going in for a kiss. He kisses me with his soft lips and pulls away. I am in shock. I was shocked by what he did. I shake my head and wipe more tears from my face. I stand up and look around. 

"I have to go" I say and run out.

---

I sit down on the couch in my sweats eating a bowl of ice cream. I had no clue why he kissed me or why I let him. I take a spoonful of ice cream and shove it into my mouth. The door opens and I see Sam standing there. I walk outside and sit on the old boat that was flipped over the faced the grassy fields.

He finally finds me after 20 minutes. "I've been looking for you"  he says. I look at him then I look at the fields.

"I have lost so much in my life" I say quietly. Sam sits beside me and questions what I am saying. "I had everything I was the captain of the cheer team and soccer. I had a great boyfriend then it all went to hell when Stefan came. Then I had a baby on the way, a boyfriend that cared about me deeply then it all went to hell again when Stefan came back."

"What do you mean?"

"I went to Stefan's house today and we talked. I was hoping he would give me an idea on how to grieve. I'm not very good at it and he kissed me"

"Has this happened any other time?" he asks loudly but slowly.

"Sam?"

"Just answer the question" he says angrily.

"We had sex... before you came home. It... it didn't mean anything I swear. Don't be mad at me" I say as my eyes start to water.

"Don't me mad? I am angry. You told me that nothing happened I believed you. Why would you do this to me?"

"He kissed me. He came onto me. I pulled away. I stopped it."

"After you guys had sex?" he asks. I take a huge breath.

"I love you. I have always love you. There was never a him and me it was always you. I gave up on him along time ago and its a good thing. I wouldn't be with you or madly in love with you today" I explain. He shakes his head and wipes his face with both hands.

"You see. Your not madly in love with me. If you were you wouldn't have let him kiss you" he says and walks off. I stand up and walk after him.

"I'm so sorry" I cry.

"Sometime sorry just isn't enough. We're over" he says turning back. I catch up to him but he turns away and continues to walk further and further away from me.

----

I hear the door bell ring so I rush to the door I was hoping it was Sam. He had finally figured out I am still in love with him even more. But it was Stefan with his head bowed down. I let him in and sit on the couch with one leg crossed and the other on the ground. 

"What are you doing here?" I ask annoyed.

"I try and no matter how hard I can't stay away from you. You know how I feel" he says. I look down and take a breath.

"I can't. I though about you for months."

"I though of you every second when I was gone."

"But you never came back. I mean nothing feels right between us any more. Like you've been chasing after what we had ever since I broke up with you. But I don't think we could ever get that back. But I want to be friends."

"I love you."

"I love you too, as much as I always have and I don't want to loose you again. I think it would be best to be friends."

"Ok" he says and looks down.  "But I also came over for another reason" he says pulling an envelope out of his back pocket. He hands it to me and asks me to open it. The envelope had already been opened I pull out a slip of paper. I read it in silence. 

"I'm sorry" I say hugging him.

"Don't be I barely knew him. He didn't care about me" he says.

"You have to go. He's your grandpa. I'll even go with you; if you want" I say putting the paper back in the envelope.

"Thanks. I would like tha