Captivated

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

Today I'm feeling an emotion that is difficult to deal with given my current circumstances. I'm feeling nostalgic of the outside world; the wind, the trees, the grass. I'm longing for something greater than myself: freedom. I'm craving the feeling of land beneath my feet and fresh air on my skin. I wish I could break this chain off of my leg and simply go for a walk. Apparently we are surrounded by woods right now, which makes my desire to be outside even worse; knowing that the trees are just beyond my reach, but not close enough to touch. Perhaps I can convince Dane to take me for a walk. I'll add it to my list of things I need to convince Dane of. I think today is Tuesday, which means Dane won't be down to see me until dinner. I guess I can try to negotiate with him later once he gets home. Until then, I will lie in my bed and dream of being elsewhere.

As I stare at the ceiling, I realize something else: it's been over a month since I last had my period. At first I feel slightly concerned, scrambling my brain to the last time I was intimate with Colby. But I quickly correct my thoughts and attempt to reassure myself that I can't be pregnant. But even if I was pregnant, the baby would probably already be dead due to how skinny and malnourished I am. No baby could survive in a place that I can barely survive myself. My therapist once told me that sometimes when a woman's body goes through immense stress, we can lose our menstrual cycle. It's our body's way of telling us that something is wrong and that we need to fix it. Perhaps that's what's happening now. I decide to stick with that idea – it's better than the alternative. A couple more hours of sitting and doing nothing pass before I hear a knock on my door. My heart leaps in fear that it's Dane, but also in hope that it's Avery. The door opens and Avery peaks his head in.

"Can I come in?" he asks.
"Sure." I say, sitting up and resting my back against the wall. He approaches me slowly and sits at the edge of the bed. He seems awkward. "What's wrong?" I ask.
"What? Nothing. Why?"
"You seem weird."
"You seem weird," he jokes. I smile.
"Is Dane still recording our conversations?" I ask.
"Yeah. I'm getting better at controlling his system though. He doesn't know I'm actually smart at some things."
I laugh. "What things are you smart at? Did you win valedictorian or anything?"
"I was home schooled."
"Makes sense. Can't have daddy's little boy running around with other kids telling them all his secrets,"
"It wasn't like that," he says. "My mum taught me. It was her decision."
"Oh...I'm sorry."
"But I guess my dad had a large say in it too..." he fades off.
"Well hey, that's still cool. Homeschooling is pretty awesome." I perk up.
"Yeah, it had its ups and downs."
"So what do you do now?"
"I'm uh, actually taking some online courses right now."
"Oh, that's good! At least you're learning. And it's not being controlled by your father."
"Yeah." he half smiles. I study him for a moment.
"Do you visit Jo as well?" I ask.
"Yes. Why?"
"Oh." I say. I feel a twinge in my stomach. Is that... jealously? It can't be. Why would I care who Avery sees? And it's Jo for goodness sakes. I have nothing to be jealous of. There's nothing going on here. I guess I just have trust issues with males in my life abandoning me for other females.
"Is something the matter?" he asks when he notices the blank stare on my face.
"Oh, no," I quickly recover. "I was just wondering. Hoping she wasn't lonely or neglected or anything."
He smiles. "Nah, she's good. We have nice chats every morning." He says and I feel that pang in my stomach again. What is the matter with me? I smile, hoping my face doesn't give away what my insides are feeling.
"That's good. I'm happy she can enjoy some company as well." I say.
"Yeah, she's a nice girl." He says. I guess I was just silly for thinking that I was special. "I was really craving the outdoors today." I admit.
"Oh... I'm sorry."
"No, I didn't mean it like that! I just meant... I don't know. I was just feeling a bit nostalgic for the outside world."
"Yeah, it can get pretty lonely in here." he says. How would he know? He's not the one chained to a bed. At least he can leave this place.
"Yeah, it does," I reply. "How's the weather? It will be November soon, right?"
"Two more weeks. It's pretty mild actually. The leaves are changing a bit. Yesterday was kind of breezy, but today the sun is warm." He says. I close my eyes and imagine what the sun would feel like right now. "Reign," he says. I open my eyes.
"Yeah?" He stares at me intently. "Sorry.. I was just... uh,"
"It's okay, I get it. You're missing the outside."
I nod. "I wish... I wish I could go for a walk right now."
He watches me for a moment, thinking about what to say next. "And I wish I could take you. But you know that won't be possible." Even though I knew he'd say that, it still hurts me. Because I guess, for even just a millisecond, I had hope that he wouldn't.
"I promise I wouldn't leave," I say quietly as I look down at my hands in my lap.
"Reign," he says. "I wish I could believe you."
I look up and meet his eyes. "You think I'm lying?"
"It's not that I think you're lying. I don't even think you are intending to lie. In fact, you probably have honest intentions. But the second you get out there and feel the air on your face again – you will change your mind. You will realize how badly you need to escape and you will sacrifice just about anything to make that happen. And in that case, I am just collateral damage. Just like I was in the bathroom."
"I'm sorry. You know I didn't mean to hurt you,"
"I know you didn't mean to. But you did. And you will again." He says and I feel the sadness taking over me. I lift my hand are wipe away the tears forming in my eyes. "I'm sorry Reign. Let's just not talk about this because it's not going to happen and I don't want to keep ripping your hope away from you."
"Whatever," I say. "My hope was long gone anyways."