Run Away

Ch 26

"But I don't get it. Why was the successful man the villain?" Bucky asked

He and Micky were just leaving the movies from watching Big Hero 6. Bucky was getting better and better in crowds. He still analyzed the people in it but he wasn't as paranoid as before. This time he even treated the tickets and snacks. He had recently gotten a job to teach self defence in the gym where they usually worked out. He would go in the mornings while Micky was at school, it made him feel more normal, even though he still hid his hand and arm

"He blamed the egocentric man for putting in danger his daughter's life. Not the best way to approach that problem but understandable" Micky explained

"I liked the white marshmallow man. He reminded me of you" Bucky said. Micky raised her eyebrow at him

"How am I like Baymax?" She asked

"He's always trying to help and also wise" Bucky said "And he's also adorable. Like you" Bucky pocked Micky's nose making her giggle

"Yeah? The theme song reminded me of you" Micky said

"How so?" Bucky asked

"We could be immortals. Immortals" Micky sang and they both laughed loudly. When their laugher died down, Micky reached for Bucky's hand, but he pulled apart when he noticed it was his metal arm. Micky frowned "You don't have to hide from me" she said

"*sigh* I know. It's just... just a habit" he said "I don't want to hurt you"

"You won't. I promise" Micky smiled comfortingly

They walked to the car and returned to their apartment. It was already dark outside and Micky went to prepare some tea

"Want something to eat?" She asked "or tea or coffee?"

"No thanks" Bucky said. Micky nodded and continued focusing on making her tea, 'Immortals' from Fall Out Boys was still in her head and she was humming to it. Meanwhile Bucky looked at her from the doorframe "How are you so sure?" He suddenly asked

"Huh? Sure about what?" Micky askrd

"That I won't hurt you" Bucky said already feeling a knot in his throat

"Well, I trust you" she said shrugging

"But you shouldn't" Bucky said "I'm still trying to get better. I still have nightmares, I still have to write things down so I don't forget, I am still a fugitive. What if someone finds out I'm here and hurts you because of me? What if some day I wake up forgetting everything that has happened since I met you? What if..." Bucky tried hard not to let his desesperation take the best of him "What if the Winter Soldier comes out again?"

Micky looked at him softly. She could see the pain and dispair in his eyes. He was scared -terrified- of himself. She slowly approached him

"I will not leave you if that's what you think" she said "If I didn't trust you, I wouldn't have left you stay here when we met. Besides, who wouldn't like a bad boy looking boyfriend?" she joked

"It's not funny" Bucky said walking away and into the kitchen. Micky frowned an walked after him. Bucky let out a heavy sigh and Micky put her hand in his arm

"Bucky, you need to stop holding a grudge against yourself. You are not guilty of anything you did since 1944" Micky said

"I killed people, Mik. Some I even knew from before" Bucky said remembering the death of Howard Stark and his wife

"You were being controlled. You were not yourself" Micky said

"I don't even know who I am" Bucky said "I know who I am supposed to be but that's not who I am"

"Don't let anyone decide who you have to be" Micky said "Maybe..." she bit her lip thoughtfully "Maybe you are ready to talk to Steve?" Bucky's head snapped faster than a snake towards Micky

"No" he instantly said "I can't face Steve. Not after what I did. I almost killed him. I can't do that"

Mickeyla was seriously loosing her patience, she was nice and kind but she was also honest. And she was honestly sick of Bucky's self pity

"Alright, I'm gonna be honest here. But before I do I just want you to know that your life is your choice and that I'll stand next to you no matter what, ok?" Micky said. Bucky slowly nodded. Micky took a deep breath before continuing "I know you have it rough, I know you are a victim here and I know it's hard, but you seriously have to stop with your self pity" she said shocking Bucky "You can't go around in your life mourning over your mistakes, you can't hold on the past, but you can't run from it either, you gotta face it"

"That's what I've been doing" Bucky argued

"No. I get that you needed records and memories to remember who you were but you also have to face that you've been the Winter Soldier for longer than you were Bucky Barnes. It will be difficult but you can't keep being afraid, specially from yourself. You gotta stand up, push back, never back down. But first you have to accept yourself. Your arm, your skills, your knowledge, your fighting instincts. You have to literally love yourself"

"How can I accept myself when I'm a monster?" Bucky said, his temper rising

"Do your best from it" Micky said "Use your skills to help. You're already doing that while giving self defence classes, you're helping others with your skills, that's a good first step" Micky said. Bucky shook his head

"It's not enough" he said

"Well, it's a first step. I'll help you find another way to help using your skills" Micky said "Buck, I need you to understand that this is something you have to do yourself, I'll be here, right next to you, but you gotta fight mentally agains yourself on your own. I can't fix you, but I'll be here to support you whenever you need it. You can do it. You're a champion after all" she winked at the end with a smile

Bucky didn't have words, his eyes already had tears and he was fighting to keep them in. He showed Micky her thanks and love in the only way he could think of; giving her a passionate kiss

A.N.: Does it feel like a filler chapter? I feel like I've put too much psychatric support. What do you think? Please be honest