Deal With It By: Audrey B. Holley

Chapter 10

Jimmy comes up to me, and looks as if his buzz is killed.

"Hey," he says, his words said somewhat clearer than when we were in the bathroom.

"My heart is crippled." I tell him. But he doesn't hear me over the horridly loud vibrations of poor melodies. I don't realize I am crying until I feel a droplet slide off my cheek and smudge the left lense of my glasses.

How can you fall for someone within a short period of time? Am I in love with Benjie? What is love anyway? It feels as if my insides are splitting brutally, and are about to deluge the ground with emotions of fragmented passion. 

I glance quick enough to see Jimmy staring at me with authentic apprehension. He follows my gaze, and soon comprehends my situation.

He understands because he is there, living that revolting feeling like I am. And we have to watch, and deal with it. This is just the way life is.

Unfair.

Benjie excuses himself from the beautiful lady of green eyes, and black hair. He places his hand to my back, and follows behind me to the way on out of this house.

Now that we walk in the dark, I am thankful, for he can't see my face.

Maybe she was only a friend, yeah that's it.

"Benjie?"

"Yeah?" He asks.

"Nothing."

I try again.

"Benjie?"

"Yeah?

But I change my mind and say, "Nothing."

He stops walking, and turns to me. The very sound of his voice skips a beat of my heart, and the changes in his features throughout these last few weeks makes my body lose all feeling. Or could it be the cold weather that numbs me to the bone? The sight of his rugged face has thinned out due to his gradual loss of weight.

"Is there something you want to say Keelie?"

This over powering desire slaps my insides, and I do the valiant part about all of this. I grasp the front of his coat, press my body to his, and kiss him. His mouth parts only enough to inhale soothing breathes. Just when I believe he feels the same way, he jerks back in utter disbelief.

"I-I like someone else." He stares down at me, and all I can think is that I wish he were mine.

"You don't like me." It's more of a statement than I dreaded question.

"It isn't that I don't like you, it's..." he struggles for an explanation. "Sometimes feelings are one sided. I-I won't say sorry, but I can't just change my feelings. I like her. The girl at the house..." He hangs his head in shame of bringing my night to this outcome.

Just as I start to walk away from him, he grabs my elbow, and says, "Wait, just le-"

I wrench myself from his hold, and say, "There isn't much for you to say."

He doesn't follow, which slumps me into a state of disrepute. I dig into my pocket, and flip open my phone, and then punch in Natalie's number.

* * * * *

I croak a sob during my explanation of the rejection thrown upon me.

"I ruined what we had! I wanted to be more, and now we don't even have our friendship! Oh how could I be so stupid?" I whack the heel of my palm against my forehead, thinking it'll knock some sense into my brain. I pace the floor, but then stop to sit on her bed. I lay my head in her lap, and bury my face into the front of her shirt.

"Boys are dumb," she says simply.

"How could have I even allowed myself to love him? I mean, what is love anyway? Just disaster waiting to happen!"

"You'll love again." 

I sit up in her bed, and say, "No I won't. I won't let myself fall into the trap of heart broken, or whatever. All that nonsense."

"Hey!" She raises her voice at me, but then brings the volume down a notch. "Look at you. Where's the strong Keelie I've always known? Where's this weakness coming from?" She stares at me a moment, and then seems to come to knowledge of the issue in her head. "Is this about something else? Like... Henry perhaps?"

"Oh God!" I cry out. "Why is this happening to me?"

She sighs. "Have you talked to Mrs. Rubert lately?"

"No. I haven't really..."

"Really what?"

"I've skipped out on the last two appointments."

"Why?" She asks.

"I feel like I have problems having to go see her. Not seeing her makes me feel as if I'm sane, and got my life in order."

"God puts your life in order, not you. And Keelie, news flash! Everyone has problems. If you don't then you're not normal. Problems are apart of us. We live with them everyday."

"My parents are going to be sooo disenchanted when they receive a call from her saying I've skipped."

She slaps my arm, and says, "Why are you being so retarded?"

"I don't know. I guess love dissolves brain cells." I sit up on her bed, and face her.

She sighs. "I don't think anyone really even knows what real love is until you are really actually in love, and have found that right person."

"Why is Mr. Right running late? I feel like he should of been here already."

"OK, shut up because you sound desperate and dumber by the minute. Here's a life lesson for ya: love comes when God knows you're ready to handle the feeling. He brings Mr. Right when He believes it's time. Chill out and enjoy life as it is."

"I wanted him to be Benjie, but Benjie doesn't like me." I pout, stick out my bottom lip adorable puppy-dog-style, and fold my arms under my breasts.

She speaks the next sentence slowly and rests her hands on my shoulders. "You are young. You are beautiful. It will happen. Give it time, and stop worrying about everything."

My insides are about to splatter into a state of overload from the stack of feelings that engulf me into a vast whole of  tears. With this said, I sputter sobs that choke me. It strangles my very soul.

"I just miss Henry so much." I manage.

She pats my back tenderly, and whispers, "We'll get through this together."