Trio (A Sword Art Online Fanfic) ✔

Chapter Twenty

I stumbled around, tightening a gauzy scarf over my face. The hot desert wind blew sand everywhere and whipped my hair around my face.

I had never been so terribly wrong about anything. Being back in the game didn't help me at all. If anything, it made me feel worse about the whole thing.

I killed a man.

And the only thing I wanted was to go back in time to Sword Art Online. Where I hadn't killed anybody; where my wolves were actually wolves; where Rikimaru, Kirito and I were just us, not super gamers.

I missed the old times.

But the past was the past, and here I was stumbling alone through a desert in a game I killed a man in.

And I was absolutely terrified.

I didn't want to be alone, but I didn't want to face anyone either. I can't even imagine Rikimaru's or Katsu's face when I told them I actually killed someone.

Would Rikimaru even want to be with me, even if he knew I was a murderer?

I shook my head to rid myself of my thoughts and continued on my way.

I wasn't actually sure what "my way" was, but I kept walking either way. I kept my gun in my hand at all times, still a little tense about the whole Death Gun thing.

"Hey! Hey, you!"

I flinched at the voice, whirling around to glare at the newcomer. I was startled however, when I saw him. It was Daisuke, I had run into him after I had killed the man, and he had comforted me.

"Daisuke."

"Yeah, that's right! You're Harumi, correct?"

I nodded, dropping the muzzle of my gun to the ground. I swayed back and forth and he watched me warily.

"Are...Are you okay?" He asked.

Tears welled up in my eyes, and I shook my head, before saying, "No. No, I'm not."

He obviously didn't know what to respond to that. I crumpled to my knees.

I didn't know why I was so affected by me killing the man. I had seen death before and I hadn't been so emotionally involved as I was right now. I don't know if it was because I had done the killing myself, or if it was because of something else, but I never felt more unbalanced.

Daisuke sat down next to me, both of our shoulders touching. His warmth comforted me and I couldn't help but lean into him.

"What happened?" He finally asked.

So I told him everything -- starting from the first day of SAO. He listened silently and I couldn't help but feel relieved to get it all out in the open.

As I retold the stories of the land of swords, he clenched his fists. I noticed, but I put it past me, continuing on to tell the stories of ALO and GGO. When I finally fell silent, he didn't have anything to say, but he looked completely tense.

"What?" I finally asked.

"I know what you went through."

I looked up at him curiously, growing tense myself.

"You're a survivor." I said. It wasn't a question.

He nodded, and I reached out to hold his hand, lending him comfort.

"And you're the Red Wolf."

I couldn't help but laugh at that. I hadn't heard the silly name they had given me in SAO in a long time. It felt nice knowing that that part of me wasn't completely gone.

"This is the first man you killed?" He asked after a couple of minutes of silence.

I nodded.

"I went through the same thing after my first kill." He told me, "It will get better. It's hard to deal with, but it helps to tell the people you trust about it."

"I can't." I said, rolling my eyes, "I'm too selfish to do that. I'm not going to risk losing them."

Daisuke opened his mouth to protest, but I glared at him, cutting him off. He sighed, shaking his head, but didn't say anything. I could tell he thought I was being unreasonable, and somehow, I couldn't help but snap.

"You don't understand!" I exclaimed, pulling away from him, "I wasn't even supposed to be here! I wasn't supposed to kill this guy, but I was too weak!"

I climbed to my feet, shaking my head violently. I started trembling, unstable on my feet.

"I failed Katsu! I failed Rikimaru!" I raged, stomping my feet, "I was supposed to be this badass who was unaffected and able to defeat anything! The freaking government approached me specifically so that I could handle these kind of situations!"

Tears started streaming down my face, and I hated the fact that I couldn't even stop crying. I started cursing violently, kicking the sand.

"I shouldn't be here! I wasn't supposed to kill!"

At this point, I wasn't yelling so much as screaming violently and incoherently. I pulled out my gun and just started shooting randomly, hitting walls and decrepit old buildings. When I ran out of ammo, I unfolded it into the scythe and started hitting anything near.

Daisuke made sure to keep himself out of my range, watching me silently. He didn't know what to do or what to say.

With one final scream, I slammed my scythe into a wall, lodging it there. I was panting, but my anger at the situation was no where near depleted.

"Feel better?" Daisuke finally asked from behind me.

I pulled up my menu, going for the log out button.

"No. I don't." I responded, before hitting the button and logging out.

When I opened my eyes, Rikimaru was holding my hand. He had his head laying on the bed next to my hip, the rest of his body in a chair.

I don't know what it was about that moment. Maybe it was the fact that I still had rage coursing through me, or maybe it was just being in the game itself, but I found myself angry at Rikimaru.

So when he looked up, and our eyes met, I glared at him.