Pregnant In the Quell

Chapter Forty

I wake, soaked in my own sweat and wrapped in Peeta's embrace. I've been dreading this day for months, and now that it is here, my nightmares have been more vivid and horrid.

"You're alright." Peeta whispers, stroking my tangled hair. "You're with me."

"I'm sorry," I choke, digging my face into his shoulder. "I don't want to do this, but I can't help it, Peeta. I'm in so much pain."

"I know you are." He whispers, patting my back.

"I don't want to be selfish, because I know you are too. I just can't help but..."

"Shh, don't cry, it's okay." He cuts me off, pulling me closer. "When she was born, I thought we'd celebrate these days. I never imagined it being dreaded, or heartbreaking."

"Peeta, she'd be thirteen years old today."

"I know." He murmurs, stroking my face with his thumb soothingly. "But you're strong. As am I. We'll get through this day together."

"Come on." I whisper, pulling him close as I get out of bed. "Let's go make breakfast for our children."

He nods, wiping a single tear from his eye.

It's only 5:00 A.M. The triplets won't be up for hours, but there is no way the two of us will find sleep again. I can't stop thinking. The horrifying images of Dahlia and Prim being blown into nothing keep playing over and over again. Nobody understands. So many people think that after 13 years and 3 children, we'd get over it. It doesn't work like that. Sometimes, I wish I could forget.

"Do you want some tea?" Peeta asks as he turns the kettle on. I nod, wiping the tears from my eyes once more.

Peeta sits down next to me lifelessly as he buries his head into his hands. "I remember the day I sat down at this table... And I thought that we'd die in the games."

"You were upset... You even seemed mad even."

"I wasn't mad. I was ecstatic. I couldn't wait to become a father. I wanted to make children with you after we got married. But we had the games to worry about."

"Sometimes, I blame Prim. I know that's wrong to do. I shouldn't blame anyone. It was no ones fault. Especially not Prim's. But why did she take her out there?"

"She and your mother were watching her, Katniss. They were forced to go help the injured. You know that."

"They were Gale's bombs." I whisper subtly. "It's his fault!" I scream, slamming my hand on the table and sobbing. "Those bombs took our daughter away. And my sister! They were his idea."

"Calm down, Katniss," Peeta wraps his arms around me and enfolds me, not letting me go.

"Let go, Peeta." I yell as I thrash around, prying his arms off of me. Sometimes, I forget how strong he is.

"Katniss, you and I both know that if I let you go, you'll end up doing something you'll regret. Gale is good to us, and the triplets. You know that his intentions were never to kill them."

"I–" I start, but there is nothing to say. I fall to the floor, sobbing as Peeta attempts to help me.

"Katniss, why don't I take the triplets to Haymitch's for the day? I think you and I need a day of peace and silence. Just for today."

I nod my head, and Peeta helps me to my feet. "Let's go back to bed, and I'll take them over. I'll be back in just a few minutes."

+++

The ceiling fan spins exactly 137 times each minute. The only thing I have found that keeps my mind off of Dahlia is counting the spins.

Peeta lays next to me, my head resting in the crook of his neck. I listen to the thud of his heartbeat, his chest rising and falling.

"I love you." I whisper, picking his warm hand up and grasping it tightly. "I'm sorry. For everything. I acted out this morning. I know you're hurting too."

"Don't be sorry." He whispers. "You have nothing to be sorry for."

I stand up, walking over to the closet and pulling out the box of her things. The few things that our child ever had.

"Her baby blanket was so small." I sob, holding it close to me. I pick up her pacifier, staring closely at it.

"She didn't have a chance at life, Peeta." I whisper, engulfing him in a hug. "I feel like such a failure. And the worst thing about it is... I was carrying twins. And we lost both of them. He didn't even have a name, and I feel guilty. I don't feel sadness towards him as much, because I never met him. I never felt his soft touch. He never met his mother.  Or his father. I killed him in that arena."

"You didn't kill anyone, Katniss. Especially not him. Or Dahlia."

"I can't take the pain anymore, Peeta. And though we have the triplets, I'll never forget them. The pain will never go away."

"Katniss, everything happens for a reason. You know that, as do I."

"I know. I'm sorry. I love you."

"We'll get through this together, Katniss Mellark."