Nothing Left (Andy Biersack Fic)

Chapter 8 - Over-sized Shirts

Shit.

I forgot that I was supposed to be discharged today. What an idiot I am! I asked Andy to come visit me again on a day I'm supposed to be gone. Maybe I should call him. I want to, but I really don't feel in mood to be alive today. All that pent up depression that was held back from Andy's visits finally came back to haunt me. Maybe I should've stayed for the entire time.

I put my arms over my eyes and sigh. Flashbacks from the murder played in my head over and over. I don't even try to kill time by channel surfing or poking at the living hospital food. I don't want to do anything, I just feel so empty. A lump starts to form at my throat as I keep seeing corpses in my head. Instead of getting at least a little better, they've gotten so much worse. They've distorted into horrible creatures that taunt at me, blaming me for their murders, eating away at my happiness. Tears slip down the sides of my face for the probably the 10th time today. I've ended up with no sleep and practically living off of narcotics. It helps numb the pain. Sure, they make me drowsy, but the flashbacks really don't hold back. Just when I think I'd finally be able to slip away into slumber, it pulls me back. Pretty harshly too. I'd probably have nightmares anyways so what's the point?

Of course I'll need to woman up and face my own demons at some point, especially since I won't have the narcotics to numb me, and I'll have to make a living for myself. I know that I'll have to accept their deaths at some point. I can't do that right now though. I'm holding onto that guilt and letting it eat at me. I'm afraid that if I let go of the guilt and flashbacks, I'll loose my family. Their memory. That's something I can't loose, I just can't.

It's kind of ironic, huh? Anyone who would've been in my situation would've wanted to just forget it all and not let it drag them down. I guess I'm just too selfish.

Glancing over at the clock, I saw the time was 12:57 am. The nurse should be by in a bit to help me get my things. I found out this morning, to my dull surprise, that I can move pretty well for having had surgery on my side. That's one good thing at least. I shut my eyes and breathe. Allowing myself to wallow in depression until it was time. What better way to pass the time? Note the sarcasm.

I heard the door open and quickly wipe the tears away. I need to be strong, or at least seem like it. I'd hate to have to worry someone, or have a doctor put me on anti-depressants. I don't want to rely on that. I'll recover from my demons in my own way.

I put my arms down to see my favorite nurse, Shelby Belton. I look to the clock to see that I still had 1 minute to wallow. How dare you. Ah, It was probably better to get this over with faster.

"Hey, how are you feeling?" She asked not bothering to state her name anymore. I've grown to be comfortable with her. So to be polite, I gave her a small smile, despite how I was feeling.

"I feel a lot better, thank you. Did you come to help me with my discharge?"

"Yes, I brought your belongings as well," She said, gesturing to the bag I just now noticed she had. Sweet.

After helping me out of bed, I was about to change, but frowned at the condition of my clothes. They were all torn and bloody. A hard shiver went down my spine just looking at it. I can't change into this. I'd have to get clean clothes...

"Ms. Shelby?" I called out from behind the curtain. Obviously the nurse gave me some privacy. "Are you all ready to go?" She asked.

"Actually, no. I can't wear these. They're torn and bloody," I said swallowing the lump in my throat. It's hard to even say that. Gosh I'm weak.

"Do you have anyone you can call to bring you any? That would be the best option," She asked. I don't really have any relatives or family, but I do have Andy's phone number. Maybe I should call him, I had to tell him I'm being discharged anyways.