PURE ➳ everlark

Chapter 4 - Ashes

Chapter 4 - Ashes

"What are you going to do with the child?" My mother asks me when we've retreated to our compartments, after the public announcement of the remaining Victors' immortality.

"I..." I haven't given much thought to it. In fact, I've tried blocking it out. Tried not to worry about it. "What do you mean?"

"Do you want to get rid of it?" The older woman's eyes are watching me carefully, her voice soft and hesitant, as if she's afraid I'll go crazy and attack her. And I have to admit, due to my overprotective nature, I don't blame her.

And I do go crazy, but in my mind.

It's like I hear my own voice inside my head, rising, screaming - not any words, just the blood curdling sound of discomfort. I don't know why, but my mind seems to wrestle with itself, it tries to win some war by screaming in protest of a problem I didn't even know existed until now. It's loud and shrieking and hoarse and just plain unbearable.

I bring my hands to my head, pressing hard against my temples, as if trying to squeeze the scream out of my mind.

"NO!" It slips past my lips before I realize it, the loud ringing subsiding. I slap my hand over my mouth, and my eyes grow big, as does my mother's.

"No -- no, no I didn't mean -- It wasn't -- I --" I sigh, collapsing on the small grey bed behind me. I feel like a balloon without air, deflated, incapable of flying, incapable of hiding.

For once, I'm stuck in a nightmare Peeta cannot coax me out of.

My mother sits down beside me, placing her fragile hand on my shoulder.

"I know the decision is hard, but I know you do not want this. It's not safe, not for you, not for the child. I'm going to let you decide this on your own, but don't take too long. Otherwise it'll be too late." She glances down at the schedule tattooed on her arm, gets up, squeezing my shoulder. "I have to go," she whispers.

I wish I could tell her why this isn't an easy decision, why even just the thought of losing the baby, why I can't let go - it's not because of some motherly nature, a nature I'm not even sure I possess - it's because of Peeta. Other than the pearl and the locket, it is the only thing I have left of him - the only real thing I have - the only thing that may have his eyes, or his smile, or his kindness. It is the only thing left of him that the Capitol hasn't touched. It's pure, innocent, good. Not tainted by anything bad. And even though I know that it is my decision, and my decision only, for some reason, somehow, I feel like it isn't.

I'm not the only one who is behind creating this child, I'm only half of the reason it is here.

I know Peeta would've tried to convince me to keep it. I know he's always wanted children. I've seen how he is with them - he's happy. Truly. And he's good with them, too. He seems to understand them in a way I thought only children could understand each other.

And what if we win? What if the districts finally overthrow the Capitol? Overthrow Snow? What if we won before I gave birth? What if not only I, but Peeta survived this too? What would happen then? What would happen between us? Could we find peace?

I fall into a sleep with dreams based on what Panem could look like if the Rebels won. A world where mine and Peeta's child could be safe.

---

"Katniss, wake up. You're wanted in command." I look up, my eyes following the sound of the voice. It's Gale, standing tall and dark in the small door, blocking the rest of District 13 out. I like it that way. I like not having to think about what happens outside my grey bed in my little compartment. I like not knowing what's happening out there. I like not being a part of it.