before mimi

why do I keep trying

Tina POV

I stood there honestly not knowing how to feel. A flash of hurt, but relief at the same time came over me. Im glad I never opened up to this guy. he stared at me like a deer in the headlights with his face turning a shade of tomato. Without giving him a chance to say anything I was down the old ancient stair case laughing a bit more to myself with ever step closer to the door. 

Shuffling from behind became louder as Ben was hot on my trail. 

"TINA WAIT!" he yelled running after me with one of his pillows clutched close to his member. I didn't understand what he was hiding-Ive seen his friend many times. Ignoring him my hand was on the door but I was snatched back and pinned against the wall. Ryan caged me in trying to get me to stay for some reason.

"get out of my face right now Ryan I dont have time for this bullshit!" I semi screamed at him now growing very impatient. "Its not his fault! Matt made a bet with him an-"

Pushing him off of me immediately, I couldnt believe what I just heard. "A BET?!" i screamed at him. "he sleeps with girls for bets?!" 

"no! no this was just a part-"

"funny I guess I was a bet too hmm? i can only guess which bet i was 'who can get with a BLACK GIRL BET YEA?!" I said now fully screaming at Jack who was basically the messenger in all of this. 

"what kind of bet? no! thats not true Tina he actuall-"

"just get out of my face right now I could care less." I said extremely defeated. Finally opening the door I marched out. 

"thats what I get for trying to fuck with a frat boy" I said to myself taking steps away from the big brick house. I could hear my name being called in the distance but I was over it at this point. The sex was great but all this? Just not worth it to me.
 

Shutting the door behind me I slumped in my desk chair leaning my head back over the backrest. Taking a deep breath I closed my eyes trying to figure out why I was mad. I wasnt mad. I was frustrated.

Frustrated that I knew this would happen, frustrated that im never the girl they  are even remotely attracted to. The girl is always some blonde hair blue eyed girl that seems to only need those to traits alone to be considered beautiful. I was frustrated at the system and this constant feeling of even when I am my best, it will never be good enough in this society.

I couldn't cry, there was nothing to really cry about. I just thought maybe this time a guy that every girl found attractive maybe found me the slightest bit attractive to. But I guess not. Wiping away the mascara from my eyes I built a wall in my memory of this entire thing. I would just ignore his presence. I didn't know him before, and I dont know him now. 

Changing into my big black t-shirt that came to my knees, I turned up impractical jokesters-drowning out my self pity and doubt before I drifted to sleep.

A full week past where I successfully avoided Ben. I had maybe 17 missed calls and a bunch of unanswered texts but I was so done with the entire situation and it didn't take much for me to move on. My lab consumed me-3 hours of testing and cutting. When the time finally came i was exhausted. Grabbing my backpack and briefly making plans for later, I found myself sitting in the small lounge residing on the side of the classroom. 

There were about 9 chairs for people to rest in and one with a small table and the school paper sitting there.  Picking up the paper, I tried to not let my mind deter back to the situation.

 I was still trying to figure out why I was angry. After all, it was just a hookup-not a relationship. Searching for an interesting illustration to catch my eye I finally found one. One of a girl falling over a toilet and a larger figure pouring something into the toilet above her. What the hell does this mean I thought to myself now interested in the article. Different ways to roofie?