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Chapter 10.

I rolled the dice again and I still got the same number. I smudged of course; I wasn't too keen to move nor talk. My thoughts drifted to a queer sort of place which I couldn't find lucidity in. I stopped rolling the dice after it hit the table and settled on number five. I realized I was staring at a mirror before my eyes. Was that what they meant when they said: staring through a glass darkly? I couldn't tell. I felt my heart race as I saw a reflection behind me. It was Vanessa's. I took her hands in mine; but she did not smile as she did when I always did so.
'What's wrong?' I asked her, incredulously.
'It's all your fault.' She said almost in a whisper.
'What?' I asked, taken aback.
'You're gone,' She said.
'I'm- gone?' I almost laughed at this ridiculous remark.
'You're gone. It's all your fault.'
'Vanessa, stop this nonsense.' I demanded.
She gripped me tight and turned me around and at last I began to comprehend. My reflection did not show on the mirror but only hers did. I found it hard to swallow as if a sharp needle got stuck in my throat. I turned back to her.
'But, I'm right here, I'm not gone.' I told her.
'You're dead!' She screamed at me and I pulled back and that was the last thing I remembered before waking up.
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My heart began pounding harder like some outlaw banging on someone's door on a calm Christmas night. I felt my face. Hadn't melted, lucratively. I was still here. Sweat was covering my face but that was only before I got out of bed and washed my face; running my hands under cold water. When I looked in the mirror, a shiver ran down my body. I don't really know why I expected to see a reflection behind me but the effect was  not obscure. Bloody of a nightmare that was.
I recalled Vanessa's face and I remembered that she was - crying. I went back to my room and sat on my - messed up with shoved blankets - bed. It was still three in the morning but that did not stop me from pulling my phone up and calling Vanessa.
'Cameron?' Her voice came slowly like I was still dreaming as she stepped inside the room. I'd given her spare keys in case of an emergency. 'Are you okay?' She asked as she sat by me on my bed.
'Are you sleepy?' I asked.
'Well, I wasn't having such nice dreams so you waking me up was not that bad.' She said.
'We need to talk,' I said quickly.
'It's not good,  isn't it?'
I shook my head. I changed the way I sat down to a position where I faced her completely. 'I've been thinking - about this - us. And I don't think I can take this any more or any far than this.' I blurted.
'What- what do you mean?'
I looked her in the eye. 'I'm just too tired and I don't want to drag you into this with me because - Well - I just can't hurt you that bad-'
'What are you talking about, Cameron? You're not hurting me.' She said. I remembered the look on her face and how she stood; telling me that I'm gone. Dead. Being with her in a case of mine is going to cause her great, deep pain and I had no pleasure of knowing it. I'm a dying boy and I didn't want her to know what death is with me and because of me. I blurted out these words to her, heavily.
'You're going to be okay, Cameron.' She kept assuring me. If only she knew. 'There's still a cure-'
I held her soft face.
'And you need to understand that when this cure of yours works out, and when I'm all better again and then you'll have me back. I'm just not feeling the same towards-' I stopped, knowing I was crossing emotional lines but I had to - if not by will then - force her to leave me.
'No, It's alright, say it. You're not feeling the same towards me but this whole - staying with me- thing is out of charity. You didn't want to break my heart and-'
'It's not that, Ness, and you know it.' I said angirly.
'Then, what, you were just thanking me for staying by your side by taking me out and kissing me from time to time whenever you feel like it and when I'm no longer worthy, you just leave me aside until the next time you're all down?' She finished. This was useless. But since the chance came to me I couldn't find a way to revoke it.
'If you're going to think of me that way then I suggest you leave,' I told her.
'Oh, I'm leaving. I do hope you feel better about yourself and I hope the cure would just do fine,' She said hastily.
'Don't go classical on me, Vanessa.'
She stood up, holding her bag and walked to the door.
'I'm not coming back,' She said. 'You've been feeding me crap and I've been putting up with it because I didn't want to lose you but if losing me suits you and being a jerk always is your game then you'll be losing me. You and your remarks and - I just don't need telling you about it.' She added. I had my back turned to her and she couldn't see my face and that was alright. I did not wish for her to see me.
'Do what you want to do, Ness. It's your life and you've got a long time to live it so don't waste it on me.' I told her, my voice cracking but hidden with a smirk that she visualized of recent experience.
She opened the door. 'Next time, Cameron, don't call at three in the morning.' She said and she left. That went well. I was supposed to laugh at it but I didn't. I didn't laugh. It didn't feel hilariously odd like whenever I said it. Whenever I got ditched by someone or - was it me who ditched her? It didn't make sense. And it didn't matter. But then why am I crying? Stupid of me, of course. Cameron Lockwood crying over a - so called - lover who just left. I wiped my tears with the sleeve of my grey sweatshirt, jumped and landed on top of my back on my bed and turned off my light on the nightstand. 'Not coming back.' I heard her say. I spread a smirk over my face. We'll be seeing about that, McAllen. 'I love you,' I felt myself screaming to her. I reached for the phone again with that same smirk on; opened the contact list and was prepared to press Call but I shut it off immediately and went to sleep.