fatty's story

10.

I just realised that i don't know myself at all. I don't know what I actually look like, what I love, who I love, what I am right now or what I want to be. I don't know if these voices/thoughts come from me or if they're "intrusive thoughts". I don't know if I'm sick or just faking/exaggerating. i have no idea. I'm loosing myself. I spend the past two years waiting for the end of high school and dreaming about college life, but what if the shit that I'm going through isn't linked with school? What if it's just me? Are there multiple me's? The one with an ed, the suicidal one, the anxious one, the paranoiac one, and the smallest one, the one who wishes to recover. I looked up some symptoms and I might have severe borderline personality disorder, so is that the answer? help.

Maybe I should've told them to keep looking for a place in hospital. Hospitalisation. It sounded so scary 2 months ago. I thought that being hospitalised for my mental illness would make it official, way too true. But now I just want to go there and have a chance to piece myself together before having to face the world again. I know that I won't be able to achieve any of my scholar goals if i don't fix myself first. Rights now it's the smallest me speaking, and it wants to get better. I need to try, I truly hope that I'm not a lost cause (yet).