fatty's story

11.

I live a life inside my head. it's very different from the "real" one. Up there I'm not a fat girl to which people keep telling to eat more, I don't have bpd, I never self harmed, I don't need a psychiatrist. I'm skinny, smart, beautiful, confident, I have a boyfriend, my parents aren't constantly disappointed by me, no mood swings, I'm not terrified by the idea of doing things wrongly, and the list goes on.
In this other life my mind is quiet and it feels good. I wish it applied to my everyday life so much that I sometimes confuse it with reality. The barrier which should protect reality from the effects of my imagination is way too blurry. I mumble alone and if I have my headphones on it might seem like I'm reciting the lyrics of whatever song I'm listening to but the truth is I'm living in my head. I'm having a conversation with the characters which are mostly inspired from people I actually know but they too are perfect.So I have those perfect conversations with myself. Sometimes it makes me laugh, sometimes it makes me sad. I can end up crying or having a break down because of events that never happened, events that I made up. It sounds crazy (maybe because I am?).
It's really scary to realise it. Whenever people asked if I had imaginary friends i would say no but is it a lie? I don't know. I don't consider the people I made up as friends because they interact with this other version of me, this girl doesn't have my name, doesn't look or even talk like me. She isn't me thus they're not my friends, I'm not a lier.
I've done this for as long as I can remember, I hope one day I'll stop and let myself live in the real world.