Olivia's Lies

Stressed

I couldn't leave y'all hanging and delete this!

~

How could one be so numb, but still feel everything so deeply?

She was positive that she was dead, because she hadn't moved in over an hour- she couldn't.

Olivia had been numb to the point where she wasn't exactly sure if she was breathing. Her limbs were heavy, as if all of the times she had fucked up had accumulated into one huge weight.

One huge fuck up.

She thought that maybe if she had waited long enough, she'd wake up and this would all be some cruel nightmare. That maybe she and her partner Nick had been chasing down a perp, and she'd gotten a bad blow to her head and fallen into a coma.

Now that was fucked up.

If only, she thought. It would have been much easier to deal with. Elliot had left only moments after she had confessed and told him the truth, something she should have done long ago. Maybe Elliot would be less intrigued to punch a hole in the wall like he had done earlier. Or maybe he wouldn't have left her practically for dead, while she tried to catch her breath from crying too much.

And Olivia Benson didn't cry, and certainly not over a guy. But Elliot wasn't just a guy.

He was her husband. The only man who would deal with her stubbornness, or her inability to allow anyone in. The only one who had been patient enough to wait until she would let her guard down, and stop running when things got messy. The only one..

One huge fuck up.

That's what this was. One big enough to take her life to a point of no return. She had hoped that the baby would have been Elliot's. Hell she even prayed to a God she certainly hadn't found any faith to believe in. But at this point it didn't matter. None of it mattered, because Elliot was gone and she was more than certain that he wasn't coming back. That the next time she'd see him would probably be during a meeting with a divorce attorney.

Her hand had involuntarily shot up, placing itself on her swell. Somehow she had been able to take that deep breath she desperately needed, realizing why her body had reacted.

The baby had kicked.

At least she knew she wasn't dead.

"I know you mean well baby girl, but not right now," her voice cracked, her throat was sore from the tears she tried desperately to hold back.

Baby girl

Christ, he wasn't even here and she was referring to this baby as a girl. No matter how hard she tried, she'd never be able to erase him.

She didn't want to.

The kicks and jabs that were once a calm reassurance that there was life growing inside her, now served as a painful reminder.

"I know- I know it's not your fault. It'll never be your fault, I need you to remember that. No matter the outcome.." she spoke barely above a whisper, not even sure that she heard herself. The movement finally simmered down, bringing her a slight relief.

Relief, that's what she needed. But she knew it would never come until she got the test.

~

"Liv, open the god damn door! I know you're in there!"

It had been three, maybe five days? They all collided at this point, but it didn't matter anyway. Olivia had been calling into work for almost the past week, using her pregnancy as an excuse. After two days Cragen suspected it had been something else, but he knew it was best to allow for her to come to him.