How Boys Speak

Dean Speaks: How much does a wife cost?

Dean Speaks: So how much for a bride?

It shouldn't be any surprise why I decided to write about this considering everyone was talking about Kim Kardashian's divorce this week.

So Reece thought it would be an awesome idea to phone a mail order bride service. (Thanks to the user who gave us the suggestion!)

At first I wasn't an expert in these kinds of services. I actually thought it was illegal, I mean surely paying some girl from a foreign country to be your wife would be? Apparently it was completely legal despite the fact that your wife who you paid thousands for doesn't give a shit about your love and who you are.

Some "brides" are from foreign countries looking to get into a more modern, opportunistic place while others are from your own country but just want a quick and easy citizenship.

So basically here are the steps to getting your own bride:

1.)    Register your ass on some bride-buying website. I used a hotline that was connected to a website.

2.)    Make sure you state you're a male from 18-35 and you're a rich bastard. You'll see later why.

3.)    Once you're all set up you phone the hotline and chat to your bride-to-be candidates.

4.)    If things go well, she gives you her private number.

5.)    There are rules such as you should date the bride for at least 3 months before marriage. Also, you must visit her home country to prove your commitment. Most of these brides are Russians, by the way.

6.)     Don't tell them about your penis problems; apparently they're not too fond of that.

7.)    Under no circumstances, comment on their boobs.

8.)    Enjoy your new wifey!

Okay, so before I get to the prank there's a lot of shit you got to do to even get granted to talk to these brides.

Firstly as soon as you call the hotline, you state your basic preferences. So if I wanted an 18-25 year olds I would enter a different room of the hotline. Once you get patched through to a bride, before you can even speak to her you have to listen to her own personal sound recording. In the recording she tells you her hobbies, goals and the way her perfect husband should be. You then get the decision of accepting or declining the call.

That made it a whole lot easier for me! I declined any brides who were just normal girls looking for a way out of their country because I didn't feel right pranking them. I just pranked the brides who wanted guys that were only rich! Haha.

So with that, I hope you enjoy!

Since I use the word penis a lot, I've replaced it with banana.

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Voice Operator: Welcome to ******. Where you can meet a single and beautiful wife of your dreams here. Here at ******* we work on finding the perfect match that will guarantee you a life time of happiness.

Dean: YAY!

Voice Operator: In order to find your perfect match, please state your preference. If you're seeking a wife between 18 to 25, press 1. If you're seeking a wife between 26 to 30, press 2. If you're seeking a wife between 31-35, press 3 and if you're seeking a wife older than 35, press 4. If you want to exit, please hang up.

Dean: Jeez, you're one slow voice operator! *I pressed 1*

Voice Operator: Thank you. You will now be patched through to the conference room.