How Boys Speak

Brandon Speaks: How Not To Set Up a Dating Profile

Brandon Speaks: How Not To Set Up a Dating Profile

Hey guys. Okay, so firstly I'm sorry for not being able to update on the last round. I was really busy and I wasn't getting any good calls. Anyway, I hope you enjoy!

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I know, the title is weird but it's completely relevant. Let's be real here, we're on the internet a lot and if we ever meet someone who appeals to us and we subtly want to bang them, we have to resort to flirting.

However, before we flirt with them we have to make them see how f*cking awesome we are. Nobody is going to accept a stranger as a Facebook friend if they have a weird ass picture of themselves in their pajamas and the only thing on their "about me" section is something about liking scrambled eggs.

They won't accept them, no. They'd be like "F*ck you, you're weird as f*ck. I'm declining this shit," Of course, you get the one percent who accepts any human or nonhuman but I'm talking about the general public.

This led me to my next idea. I did the unthinkable...I set up a fake dating profile!

 Yes it came with fake pictures and a fake name- after that I just let the magic happen. I also included my secondary phone number on my profile so people actually call me instead which was refreshing. At first I thought I'd only get a few calls but I was wrong! The people that phoned me were level 5 lunatics and it was hilarious.

So I decided to let the guys in on it and they all created fake profiles and we decided to troll around the whole site. Well because of this new "dating" experience, we decided to share our own tips we learned.

Clyde Tips:

Apparently saying "I'm just here to bang chicks" isn't really accepted in a dating community and you get banned... who knew?

Dean's Tip:

Never ever say that a girl has nice boobs... even if her picture contains 80% of her boobs. Apparently it's disrespectable... did I mention that her picture was like 80% of her boobs?

 Roger's Tip:

The f*ck is this? This ain't Skype. How do I know if I'm actually talking to women instead of random old men? (Uh, you go out on dates with them, I'm sure you're familiar with that... NOT.)

Reece's Tip:

Well unfortunately no woman actually messaged me because Clyde found my password and he changed my profile to a 40 year old who only likes obese men with a mole on their cheek. WTF.

So anyway, I'm just going to give you a preview of what my profile actually looked like:

If you actually noticed, I changed my story so many times in the profile haha.

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About: Hot, Handsome young male (wink wink)
City: Sydney, Australia. I also banged Sydney from the movie Scream, you're welcome world.
Details: 24 year old man, 5"2, Cher is my savior
Ethnicity: Where the f*ck is Ethni City?
Intent: I put my phone number here
Education: I make party signs for a living=)

I am seeking a: Woman/Man/Tranny/Stefan Salvatore
Do you drink: I drink the SHIT. Chocalate Shake, bitch.
Marital Status: Single
Pets: I like petting
Profession: I'm a florist. (LOL, I kept changing my occupation)
Do you have a car: Toyota Cycler (Made up the car name too)
Do you want children: No cause I have 4 childs.
Do you do drugs: No, I only take aspirin every few hours.
Eye Color: Green
Do you have children: No, I do not!
Longest Relationship: Under a year