I Can't Keep Pretending

Chapter 15

Tessa

Yawning I start to stretch thinking 'What happened last night?' And then I remember. Thoughts and emotions rush right back, and I feel the devastation all over again.

What am I going to do without Christian? How am I ever going to be able to move on from him?

Christian was probably the only person I never hid my emotions from. Plus if I feel this depressed now about braking off a friendship...how would I ever be able to make it through a break up with him? This is for the best. I know it is, but my heart doesn't seem to feel the same way.

Now I know what people mean when they say their heartbroken. Mine feels like it was ripped out, stomped on, and shoved back in my body, expected to keep working and go on like nothing's wrong.

Pulling the covers back I get up and go downstairs. If I'm going to move on I can't get depressed. I have to keep going, keep thinking, just keep going through the motions, because if I stop and reflect for even one minute I'll know I'm making the biggest mistake in my life.

I know I'm probably being selfish, hurting Christian to protect my self from exactly what I'm doing to him, but I'm also protecting him too. I'm to damaged for someone like Christian, and he could so much better than being tied to me the rest of his life.

Once I get downstairs I notice a small box with a note attached on the kitchen counter. Going over I see that there's also another note next to the package in my moms handwriting. It says, "Tessa please open this. -Love Mom-." Going back to the first note I open it.

Instantly tears spring to my eyes when I see Christians messy scrawl on the note attached to the box.

It reads:

"Dear Tessie (I had to one last time),

By the time you get this note I will be halfway to Florida. In this box is my Christmas present to you. I hope you like it.

I don't think last night went the way either of us wanted it too, but it still happened. I don't know about you but I couldn't fall asleep last night knowing that I've lost everything, my other half, my soul mate, you. So I started to write this letter telling you goodbye.

As much it I hate to say that, it's true. This is our goodbye because I know when you've made up you're mind about something you don't change it. And last night you made self pretty clear about how you feel about me. I have to accept that, those are your feelings and I can't tell you who to love.

Even though you're rejection last night hurt me in a way no one ever has I don't regret our friendship and time we shared. Those are memories I wouldn't give up for the world. Even if it was for 6 short years, out close friendship has changed me in a way that I never want to forget.

I want to apologize for always being mean to you before freshman year. I don't think I've every apologized for how I treated you before we became friends so there it is. Just so you know, the only reason I was ever mean was because I didn't know any other way to get a beautiful girls attention.

To sum it up I still love you Tessa. That will never change no matter how much time, distance, or complications get in the way. You will always be "the one" for me. Even though that is true I know I have to move on because our friendship will never be the same and it would kill me to see you with someone else. I hope years down the road when we've both healed from this we can see each other again. I hate the thought that I will never being able to see you again. Won't be able to send you a quick text, never call you, never get to play with your hair, touch you, see you beautiful face smiling at something I did ever again.

Tess you're my best friend and I will always love you. I hope you have a great Christmas spent with your family. I will be thinking of you, always, and I will NEVER forget you but I think you know that.

All my love forever,

Christian"

I re-read this letter I don't how many times, but finally stopped when the tears in my eyes made it impossible to read any longer.

That's when I remembered the present. Opening it I saw the prettiest locket I've ever seen. It was gold and the actual locket part was heart shaped. On the outside of the heart were beautiful design with little tiny diamonds scatter through out. It looked like an antique and had to have cost Christian a fortune.

Once I was done admiring the outside I opened the locket to see to pictures inside. The first one was of Christian and I in kindergarten. I don't know how he found this, but its probably the only picture where we aren't fighting or being mean to each other. We are sitting side by side coloring and at that moment looking at each other and smiling. The other picture is of Christian and I in London last week. Oh just to think last week how happy we were not knowing that, that would be the last vacation we'd ever take together. Anyway the picture is us at sunset standing under Big Ben clock tower. We both have huge smiles on our face and Christian is standing behind me with his arms wrapped around my waist. We had asked someone else to take our picture, and at the last second Christian whispered, "I love you." In my ear and so in the picture we are both looking at each other smiling. It's probably the best picture I've ever seen of us, and all thoughts of trying not to get depressed over loosing Christian cease to happen and I know I have just lost the best thing to ever happen to me.

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Christian

Sitting in Jill's car for the past 7 hours has given me plenty of time to think about Tessa and the letter I wrote her. I know I did the right thing, but the pain in my chest hasn't loosened and I'm afraid that I'm going to have to live with it the rest of my life.

When I knocked on the Ashton's door at 6 this morning I hoped that Mrs.Ashton would answer the door and not Tessa. I know I wouldn't be able to see her this soon after everything last night. I don't think I have ever seen Mrs.Ashton so surprised to see me. All I said was, "Please make sure Tessa gets this." And then I left, got in the car and drove back to the hotel before Jill could even know I was gone. She has no idea I wrote Tessa that note and have officially decided to stop talking to Tessa. I knew she wouldn't approve of my decision so I didn't tell her. But last night in bed awake all I thought about was what I should do about this whole thing. Jill said I need to fight for her, but what good will it do if Tessa doesn't want me to fight for her anyway. It would just be a waste of time.

"Hey you've been awfully quiet. Do you want to drive the last 6 hours for me so I can get some sleep?"

"Yeah sorry just been thinking about last night. But just pull over at the next rest stop and I'll take over."

"Christian I know you're thinking about last night, but just don't make any rash decisions, and just give Tessa time to change her mind."

"Yeah Jill thanks." Was the only thing I could mutter without giving away the lie that I've already made my decision and now I have to live with it, no matter how hard it's going to be.

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Finally updated! Sorry it took me a month to do it! I know I hate writers who take forever to update and I don't want to be one of them so I am going to try to update at least every two weeks for you guys. Alright well hope you're liking the story... This chapter was hard to write cause I hate that Christian and Tessa aren't together right now! The letter in this chapter that Christian wrote to Tessa was probably the hardest of all to write! But anyway love you guys and thanks for all the support you've given my story! And don't forget get to comment they make my day :)!