I Can't Keep Pretending

Chapter 6

Chapter 6

Tessa

This whole thing is really weird. It's really hard being here. When people die it's always sad, but because of the circumstances everybody's reactions feel forced. Christian is standing right next to me. God bless him, I don't know what I would do if he wasn't here. Aurora, my sister, is standing on the side of me; her husband Tim is next to her. They got here this morning after driving for 8 hours. My mom is down on the end. Anyone that has come through to greet us has been kind enough, but it has a fake vibe to it. Plus I hate their pitying looks. That's the reason I never tell people about my dad. Oh I guess I should say told, past tense, he is dead.

The only people I have ever told besides my immediate family and Christian, is my other best friends. Taylor and Anneliese who have been my friends since we all meet in 2nd grade. Well I already knew Taylor, but that's when Anneliese joined our group. My mom told me they were coming. I know I should have called them, but with everything going on it just slipped my mind. At least I know they will understand.

Once there is a break in the people I ask Christian if he wants to get some food. He says yes so we go to the snack table.

"How are you doing Tess? Do you want to go home? This visitation will be over in forty-five minutes anyway. I am sure you mom will understand."

I think about it for a moment. Christian's right my mom won't mind. "Yeah I like that idea. Let me just say goodbye to Aurora and my mom."

As I walk up there I see Taylor and Anneliese talking to my mom. Wow I haven't seen them in forever. I think it was when they both went on trips towards the beginning of July, and were both going to be gone the whole month. Plus I was going to leave for Cambridge in a few weeks anyway. Taylor went to the beach with her family, and Anneliese went to New York City to visit her brother. The goodbye sleepover was the last time I saw them, which was around 2 or 3 months ago. When they see me they both run and give me a three-way huge. I can't believe how much I missed them.

"Oh Tess we have missed you so much!" Taylor said.

"We missed you a lot especially with you all the way in London! I wish we weren't meeting again under these circumstances though." This was from Anneliese.

"Me neither guys, me neither. I missed you both so much too. Thank you for being here, but I was just about to head out. Could I call you guys tomorrow and we can catch up then?"

"Oh yeah of course Tess, we will be here all weekend."

"No problem, talk to you then, love you!"

"Alright bye, love you guys too!"

After that I went to tell my family I was leaving. They all understood. My mom told me that she was going to out with Tim and Aurora for a late lunch. She didn't know when she would be at the house which doesn't bother me. I think Aurora and Tim are staying at a hotel. When said our goodbyes and I walked out. I went to the parking lot were Christian was waiting and got into the car.

Christian

When we pull into the driveway I know Tess is about to lose it, she has been quiet for the whole drive. As soon as I stop the car she jumps out. I quickly turn the car off and go after her.

"Tess! Tess just come here sweetheart!"

Once we get inside she turns around and squeezes me into a hug. I pick up her shaking body and take her towards the couch and laydown.

"I know. Shhhhh I know this is hard. I am right here. Let it all out Tess. Let it out."

When she looks down at me I brush the remaining tears from her eyes. I wish I could bundle up all of her pain and carry it for her, or get rid of it all somewhere, somehow. It kills me seeing her that constant pain in her eyes for these past few days.

"Thanks Christian I...I really needed that. Can we just...forget about everything for a while? Watch a movie in my room or something? Maybe that action movie you rented?"

"Sure sweet thing. You know I am here for you anytime ok?" She just nodded. I know she understands were I am coming from so I do what she asks and try to help her forget about it.

Tessa

I have never cried this much in my life. I never cry and in the span of twenty-four hours I have cried about 4 times. I can't believe I did that to Christian again. As we get off the couch I think about apologizing, but I know that won't go over very well. Christian hates all the pain that I go through. He thinks he has it easier than I do. Maybe he does, but it doesn't matter. His mom married a good man. They had two kids, Christian and Jill, who are both in college. Christian is at (Some university in Chicago), and Jill is at (some university in Texas). He doesn't have as many issues or a problem that I do, but that doesn't matter. Everybody has pain in life; it's just something that's inevitable. No one has a perfect life. Christian had a friend he was really close to, Zach, and our junior year of high school Zach died in a car crash. I was there for him then like he always is for me. I just feel like I don't return the favor enough. That is the only time I have needed to really comfort him. It just seems like he has to hold me more than I do for him. Sometimes it makes me feel guilty. Sometimes I wish I didn't need him so much. In the end though I know Christian is the best thing in my life.

As we walk into my room I turn to Christian and say, "Hay um, I am going to change, and then I will be in the living room to watch it ok?"

"Well I was thinking we could watch it in here? Is that ok?"

"Oh yeah I will just change in the bathroom or something." With that I took a t-shirt of Christians, a pair of sweatpants, and walked into the bathroom to change. Things are really awkward right now. It's really bugging me because I am never awkward around him. I will just have to get a lid on my emotions, which shouldn't be too hard; I have done this all my life. Well the one person I can be myself around is Christian. I guess I will just do what I told him I wanted to do: forget. All I need to do is forget. I will just be me and forget how crazy my life is right now. Forget how screwed up it is. Forget how pathetic it is. Being with Christian will make me forget. Once I am done changing I splash cold water on my face and look in the mirror, hoping, praying, that I don't look as bad as I feel. I have blotchy cheeks and my eyes are a little puffy, but besides that I look fine. Fine being the operative word here because for me fine stands for, freaked out, insecure, neurotic, and emotional. Bryce used to always say that. If he asked me how my day was I would say fine.

Then he would say, "Oh so you're freaked out, insecure, neurotic, and emotional? You know from The Italian Job."

That memory makes me smile. I don't have many memories of Bryce. The longer it's been since he has died the fewer memories I have. That thought makes me sad. Maybe I shouldn't be trying to forget, but rather trying to remember, remembering the good times at least. There are too many bad ones that I could think of. No matter how hard I try to block them out there still there.

Isn't that funny how it's easier to remember the bad memories, but forget the good ones? I have never told anyone this, but when I was thirteen years old I remember this one time right before Christmas. My dad was going to another rehab center, and my mom and aunt were going to buy him some things he would need at Wal-Mart. I told them that I didn't want to go in, so I waited in the car for probably an hour and a half just sitting there. I had my iPod and was listening to Safe and Sound by Taylor Swift. I sat there in the forty or fifty degree car and just sobbed. You know most kids would be celebrating with their family a few days before Christmas. Not me, I was sitting in a car crying, waiting for my mom to get the things my dad needed for rehab. Those are the kinds of things I need to forget. I need to forget the bad things, and hold on the good things because in life you never know how many happy moments you get. You never know what day is your last. God could take you at any moment. When I look back on my life I don't want to remember all the pain, loss, and tragic, but rather the good, happy, and sweet moments. As I sigh and look in the mirror again I turn and leave the bathroom.

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Alright comment, vote, read whatever but I hope you're liking my story! I feel like I am talking a black hole sometimes though cause at the moment u have no comments just some reads....well thanks for even reading this far!