I Can't Keep Pretending

Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Tessa

Christian is lying on my bed with The Notebook in the DVD player paused at the part where I feel asleep last night. There are no second thoughts in my head I am fully, completely, and whole heartedly in love with him. I don't think I will ever be able to tell him though. I can't, no I won't, let it ruin this friendship in my life.

Relationships are messy, and they almost never work out. I used to think I would have a happy fairy-tale ending, complete with prince charming and a castle. A few rounds of disappointments with my dad and those thoughts flew out the window. Wow I am sounding so bitter right now. I don't want to be bitter. Gosh I am so selfish. There are so many people who have it worse than I do. Sure my dad wasn't around, but I still had a mom, a sister, and brother who loved me. I need to pull it together. Ok I am going to have a great rest of the afternoon with Christian, my favorite person in the world, watching one of my favorite movies.

"Are you sure you want to watch this again?" I said with a smile in my voice.

"Yes, and if you ever repeat this I will deny it fully, but I thought it was a really good movie. Since you fell asleep last night I know you didn't get to watch it so we can watch it now."

"Ok." He isn't getting off that easy. "So you liked the chick flick I picked out huh macho man? Mister 'I don't want to watch any girly foo foo movie about love' actually enjoyed it?"

"Like I said if you ever repeat this I will deny it, but yes I found it to be a surprisingly good movie. Just because I am a guy doesn't mean I can't enjoy a good romance now and then."

I laugh as I walk to the bed. He scotches over so I can sit down next to him. I put my head on his shoulder, and he slings his arm over my shoulders and pulls me to his side. I can't believe how much I missed this while I was away at Cambridge.

Christian and I used to have this tradition all the time. We called it "Lazy Day Sunday" all we ever did was sit around, watch movies, and eat junk food till we felt sick. Then we would usually go into a food coma and take a nap. When I think about it we are basically a couple, but it's still different because we don't kiss or anything physical like normal couples. Snuggling is about as far as it goes with us. We have just never crossed that line. Christian has never said anything, and neither have I. I mean sure we were teased in high school. Who isn't really, I remember it used to bug me all the time, but Christian would always tell me it wasn't worth the stress. Still though I used to get so worked up over the things they said about us. People said things like, 'You two are totally a couple', and, 'Just go out already.' If they were saying that to our faces I don't even want to think they were saying be hide our backs. This made almost virtually impossible for me to date anyone. A couple times I went out with other guys, but they always felt threatened by Christian. I think I actually went out with Zach once. Oh my gosh I really am selfish. I never thought how all this funeral stuff could be affecting Christian!

I turn, look up, and say, "Christian I am so sorry...I never....is this bringing back bad memories of Zach's funeral?"

"What? Oh Tess, no...no I mean yeah being at the funeral parlor with the coffins and stuff freak me out, but no it doesn't make me sad. Zach was like a brother to me, but it happened a long time ago. Plus whenever I am sad I think about all the great times we had, and he wouldn't want me to be sad about his life, rather happy at how much fun we had."

"Are you sure? I mean I wasn't even thinking and I feel so guilty not even thinking about you at all. I guess I am trying to say sorry."

"Tess come on babe, are you really asking about how I feel? I am fine ok!"