LEMONADE :: ZAYN

reformation

He bathes me until I forget their names and faces. I ask him to look me in the eye when I come... home. Why do you deny yourself heaven? Why do you consider yourself undeserving? Why are you afraid of love? You think it's not possible for someone like you. But you are the love of my life.

Love of my life, the love of my life, the love of my life

°°°

"I'm trying to understand you," she started, looking down at her socked feet.

Gizelle finally got a chance to talk to Zayn. She wasn't making herself busy with work and Zayn apparently went to his job only a few times during the month. Either way, they both were affected deeply by the situation and she was afraid it would result in her being dramatic and throwing more dishes.

Zayn sat beside her on the couch, Amal was sleeping in her lap and that's all they both focused on; they didn't look at each other much. His hair was tussled all over his head and the bags under his eyes were deep, almost bruising like. She was worried for his overall health more than anything.

"Are you okay?" she said as she tucked stray curls behind her daughter's ear.

"Probably. What...what are you trying to figure out?"

Gizelle sighed. "I want to understand why you did what you did. I really do. But if I even try to think about it I get mad all over again."

Zayn looked away from them both. "I just...it was when Amal tried getting out of the tub that day and fell. And we took her to the doctor they kept her for a few days, and...I still had to go to work and you were so focused on her and your job. I found myself staying in my office and...she made herself so available. I..." he huffed, muttering a few curse words under his breath, "I was so stupid, but I think she wanted me this whole time. I just ignored it.

"And then that day in the parking lot, she tried to get at me again, but I just ended up firing her. I literally just drove her to work and I couldn't take it anymore. We only had sex twice but she wanted more. And her not knowing you was a lie, because she knew I was married."

"I know, I've seen her before. The secretary on the first floor."

"Uh, yeah," he scratched the back of his head, "but, yeah. It...it was never you. Never."

"It was--"

"No, it wasn't--"

"Face it, Zayn. You weren't getting much attention from me so you turned to some white bitch," Gizelle said, "maybe you just needed someone to comfort you, or maybe she tricked you into fucking, or maybe you wanted it. It doesn't matter. I'm still hurt that you didn't come to me."

"I did. But you were obviously going through more than I was," he sat up a little more, "when Mal wasn't even born and we got into that car accident and you couldn't feel her kicking for weeks? Who was driving? Me. Who's fault was it? Mine--"

"You deliberately cheating on me and getting into an accident are two different things," she pointed out.

"Yeah, but I'm pointing out here fact that it's never your fault for my mistakes. There's nothing wrong with you. I love you and just you."

"How do I know?" Gizelle asked, looking at him and his dark eyes, "how do I know you love me for me and not just for what I've done for you or what I look like?"

"Because I wouldn't be so quick to want you back," he retorted with a huff, "I wouldn't have been so concerned for your well-being and I wouldn't call everyday to see how my daughter was doing. I wouldn't go to great lengths just to explain this to you. I love you, Gizelle, I swear on everything I own."

"Our love is going through something, Zayn. I'm never sure if you love me as much as I love you. We were so in love, we could move mountains. Remember that? I don't know what happened with us," she looked down and played with her fingers, "I'm just tired of being lied to, Zayn," she told him, "I don't want that anymore. I want you to tell me how you feel all the time and I wanna know everything. I'll do the same."

"I know, I know. I haven't lied to you this whole time--"

"You've been lying this whole time."

"No, like, ever since the day in the parking lot. I refused to lie to you ever again because I saw what it did to both of us. The guilt was eating me alive and you were gone for good. My babies were gone," he looked down and pouted, "my babies were gone and I realized how big of a piece of shit I was after not having the two most important things in my life. I needed y'all."

"I needed you, too," she whispered, "I really...I really have to think about it because. I've never been hurt so bad by someone in my life and then, it's you who did it. My best friend. That boy I used to defend in highschool because he was British and Muslim and eerily quiet in a Philly school. You. I liked you since then and I even married you and..." Gizelle bit her lip, "I still love that boy, and that man. But you've changed. You're not the same and it's scary to think about. Will I change, too?"

Zayn was quiet as he mulled it over. "I'm dumb as fuck for ever treating you wrong."

She looked at him and waited for him to elaborate.

"You're sitting here, contemplating whether or not I should be forgiven. Any other person would be done with me and yet, here you are. Thinking about taking me back and giving me a second chance."

"Yeah. Well," she looked back down at her baby girl and smiled, "I was never the sharpest tool in the shed."

"You were way sharper," he said, "too sharp sometimes."

"It's a gift," she shrugged.

°°°

LOVE DROUGHT IN THIS BITCH

so...hey, guys. there's like five chapters left, yeah.

so, bye bye