VOICES || TROYLER

one // let go

Troye's POV

"Now, what does that equal?"

I look down at the page filled with numbers and letters. What did she just tell me this was again?

She let out a sigh. "You know this, Troye. Come on, you can do this. 10+x=4. Subtract 10 from both sides. What does that equal?" I don't answer, instead looking around at the others. They're staring. Snickering at me because I don't understand what the teacher is talking about or what she's saying.

"Stop trying. You're not smart enough." Black sneers. I shake my head, trying to focus on the problem in front of me rather than Black.

"Don't listen to him Troye. You're smart enough, just think." 15 says. 15 has always been there for me through everything. I like 15.

"Thanks 15," I say aloud, looking over and seeing Blue. She's hiding so only I can see her. She's waving at me rather than chiming in. I wave back.

"Who are you waving at, Troye?" My teacher asks. I turn towards her.

"Blue," I smile. She smiles back. "She's hiding." I look over at Blue again, giving her a quick smile before turning back to the teacher.

"I see," she says, placing her small hand on my shoulder. "And what is Blue doing?"

"She's smiling at me, but she doesn't want you to see her," I whisper and put my finger up to my lips to tell her to quiet down, hoping Blue doesn't hear. She wouldn't want us talking about her.

My teacher nods, giving me a small smile before we start on the problem again. Black tells me to stop trying until I eventually give in to the yelling. My teacher lets me sit in her desk, 15 telling me how pretty I looked today and Black laughing at the fake compliment.

***

We wait in the colorful waiting room for my name to be called.

"Troye," Mary calls, her voice sweet and eyes following me as I stand up and squeeze my moms hand before following her into her office. "How are you doing today, Troye?" She asks as I sit in the egg-shaped pink chair.

"I'm good," I smile. 

Black laughs, blowing his awful breath in my face. My face scrunches up, covering my nose with my shirt as Mary writes something down. "Is something wrong?" She asks after a second.

"Black breathed in my face," I say, my voice muffled by my shirt.

"Don't pay attention to him." 15.

"I could do worse than breathe in your face. Don't make me hurt you." Black.

"What is he saying to you, Troye?" Mary asks, sympathy obvious in her words as my face drops at Blacks words.

"He said he's gonna hurt me," I mumble.

She writes something down as I speak, nodding slightly and looking back up at me.

"Leave him alone!" Blue yells. I cover my ears, her scream making my head throb.

Mary asks me who's talking, I tell her. She lets me sit in the waiting room and brings my mom to talk in her office. They share glances as I color a picture of an apple with the broken crayons on the table. I color it purple.

A little girl watches me with confused eyes as I sit on my knees and talk quietly to 48. 48 doesn't talk as much as Black or 15, but she can be much worse than Black. She makes me hurt myself.

"Ready to go, sweetheart?" My mom asks and I nod, standing up and waving to Mary and the older women at the front desk.

We drive home with the radio on. My mom and I like to sing together. She tells me I have a beautiful voice, and I think she has a beautiful one too. So she gets the lyrics wrong sometimes, but nobody's perfect, right?

"You'll never be like them." 48 whispers darkly in my ear as my brother Steele and I watch a show full of beautiful people.

My wrist begins to itch as 48 whispers things into my ear.

"Troye, stop," Steele warns, pulling my hand away from my wrist. 48 starts biting my wrist. I scream, making Steele jump back as I try prying her from my arm. She won't let go.

"Mom! Troye's hurting himself!" Steele sobs, but I barely hear it. I look down, my eyes watering as I let out a defeated noise.

My arm is covered in blood as I try pulling her away from me. She doesn't let go. I cry out in pain as I try desperately to make her stop while Steele try's desperately to make me let go of her. She does whatever she wants, whenever she wants.

_____________

Okay, let me explain a few things:

Troye has paranoid schizophrenia. The voices in his head have names, like Black and 48. Some are bad, some are not. They make him do things he doesn't want to and feel things that aren't really there, such as the biting. Mary was his therapist, which he sees once a week to talk about his thoughts and feelings. Troye was hallucinating, thinking 48 was biting him while he ended up hurting himself by trying to make her stop.

There also aren't any other voices, only Blue, 15 (good), and Black and 48 (bad). Though I didn't add it in this story, they can also have an animals name (example: Cat)