fractures

gwyneth was there

Layne

Just when I'm about to open the diary, I hesitate. It is, after all, Marlene's most private, most personal thoughts. Just the thought of reading the words she wrote down, invading her privacy, makes me feel like a criminal.

But the questions surrounding Marlene's death won't answer themselves. So I gather the courage and open the book without giving myself a chance to think twice. I'm sorry, Marlene, but you didn't give me a choice.

Marlene's familiar scrawls somehow calm my nerves, as if I were reading letters she wrote to me and not her innermost thoughts. A ton of stuff has been written inside, starting from January all the way to the day Marlene died.

I flip through January, then February, then March, and all the way to the last entry in the diary.

April 24

Layne and I will be going to the party tonight. Something I'm looking forward to, because I can finally put an end to everything. I can't believe I actually managed to convince her to convince her mother to let her go. And I can't believe her mother actually allowed her to go. I'm hoping that I might be able to talk to Layne at the party. I mean, she's been so busy lately, with her mother stressing her to ace all her exams. But even if I tell her everything, it's not going to change my decision. It will happen tonight, without a doubt, because my future has been set in stone.

But would Layne even want to hear what I need to tell her? Or is she really like what Penelope and Celia say about her? I feel really bad suspecting Layne like that, she's my best friend for goodness sake! But everything's been so messed up lately and I just don't know who and what to trust. Even with what I've decided, I would rather go through with it with the peace of mind that my best friend doesn't hate me. But whatever The Regium curse me with have been coming true lately.

Maybe what they say about Layne will too.

My heart is stabbed with a thousand thorns. Did Marlene really think that I was like what Penelope said about me? Or that I would become like that? That I didn't care about her? But even if she did, that can't be enough to push her off the cliff, right?

Marlene was tough. Tougher than most. Although it seemed like she was going through a lot, don't they say that when the going gets tough the tough get going?

And what was this decision she made? I scan through the earlier entries, trying to find any hint on what this decision was.

"What are you reading?" Abbey suddenly asks, reading over my shoulder. "Is that Marlene's diary?"

"Yeah," I reply, suddenly fearing Abbey's reaction to this. Will she be angry that I'm invading Marlene's privacy?

But she just nods. "Found anything out?"

"Her last entry. She wrote inside that she made some kind of decision. But it's not in any of her earlier entries," I tell Abbey, passing her the diary to look through although I would rather keep it close to me and far, far away from everyone else. "What do you think it was?"

Abbey flips through Marlene's writing as well, going back and forth until she sets the book down. But when she looks back up at me, it's not to answer my question. Instead, I see a challenge in her eyes.

"Were you so wrapped up in your own grades that you couldn't even talk to her?" she accuses.

I don't remember much about the days or weeks before Marlene's death, but I do remember devoting all my time and effort into studying. My mother had been hounding me day and night to ace the examinations. I, as a result, focused everything I had into my studies and anything unrelated was passed off as less important. Including Marlene.

Now that I think about it, memories start returning to me. Bits and pieces that flash by. The hurt expression on Marlene's face when I brushed off her attempt to talk to me. How her face fell when I told her I'd walk home with her another day. All the times I ignored her to study for the tests.

"I guess I was," I admit softly.

Abbey looks thoroughly disappointed in me. But she doesn't say anything.

Could my ignorance have pushed Marlene over the edge? Is that one reason why Marlene chose to jump off the cliff?

Is it, Marlene? Was I one of the reasons you chose to leave this world? I'm so sorry I hurt you.

"But whatever you did aside," Abbey says. "This decision she made is most probably suicide."

That's what I thought, but was hoping Abbey would disagree. If she wanted to kill herself even after she talked to me, that must mean that I'm not the reason, right?

But I was there the day she died. I was there, at the cliff edge. I wouldn't have just watched and let her jump of the cliff. I would have reasoned with her, pleaded, begged her to stay away from the edge. And as the events of the night return to me in little jigsaw puzzles that I need to piece together, I don't remember doing any of that.

I only remember screaming. Pulling. Pushing. Lunging. Fighting. There was a fight that day. But it wasn't between Marlene and me.

And then I remember something. Something that slipped my mind.

It wasn't just Marlene and me that day. Gwyneth was there when Marlene died.

And I'm sure she played a part in it.