dilemma ; xiumin [two]

fünfzehn

[minseok]

i saw a crestfallen looking girl at therapy.
she was new, like me.
she didn't look as if she wanted to participate, or even attend the session
but she did.
and when the therapist came to her,
asking for her name, how she felt, et cetera,
she just stared outside intently at the cherry blossom petals falling,
at the clouds covering the sun.
for once, you didn't say anything.
for once, i wasn't thinking of you.

"i feel..numb right now. yet at times, i feel like my mind is ripping itself to shreds; tearing me apart. i don't know what i feel at times either. i haven't been diagnosed with any mental disorders but i want to attend therapy to see if this ongoing sadness leaves, so i can be positive for once."

she paused, looking back at the group of depressed people surrounding her.

"we're all sensitive people. i can't even comfort you, saying that it'll get better, that it'll be forgotten. but isn't death, isn't hurting yourselves worse than living? i don't know. think about it. once you're dead, you're gone. i doubt afterlife exists. the earth is a work of art, yet you won't recognise it unless you stop thinking about death."

she had a way with words.
i was mesmerised.
you still didn't say anything.