dilemma ; xiumin [two]

einundzwanzig

i crave love
for the reassurance it'll be okay
when i know
for me, that answer is fake
it will never be, stop wishing
even though i know
i don't want to let go
of the hope that it might just be one day
then reality hits and i'm forced to accept the truth
the truth
i hate it
like i hate lies
it must seem
as if i hate everything
including myself
however
it is just that love is too strong of a word
for me to apply it
please comprehend
i'm not a bad person
i crave for love
to be held
in a satisfyingly warm embrace
to clutch onto hands that lead me
into the light
yet i fall into isolation
please, do not go near me
you suffocate me, my lungs vociferate for oxygen when you pass by
why
does this occur
to me when i dream of acceptance, to not be alone, to be okay
why
do i allow self hatred to envelop me into darkness
the darkness
pricks me like a roses thorn
blood seeping through the skin
like sadness seeping through my mask
bottling up
everything
is just as painful as that
i desiderate to die
so it will end
but i
am too cowardly
to carry this act out
death must seem selfish
i am aware i am
why can't
i do it
when i tell myself it won't be okay

please, give me strength to die
i want to be with you ara
even if i forget
it'll itch its path back to you
your presence still here
haunting me
my first love
despite how much i hate you
you'll always be there in my mind
a faded memory of struggle
a brief moment of bliss
why do people do this to me
humanity makes me sad