i know it's me that's supposed to love you // m.h.

//I ' M N O T S C A R E D //

        

It was the morning of my abortion and I couldn't have been more nervous. I had a few doctor appointments before just to make sure that I was healthy enough to endure this. It seemed so surreal. This isn't what I expected for my first pregnancy. I assumed I would've been much older, married to someone so supportive and had a home to raise a child. But, much of my life was unpredictable so I should've seen this coming.

I flipped through a magazine as I waited for my name to be called. My phone suddenly vibrated and I saw a text from Matty. "Good luck today." That's all he said. I rolled my eyes in frustration. I was in this situation because of him.

"Jasper?" I snapped out of my own thoughts soon as I heard my name. Suddenly it felt like my legs were made of lead. I stood up, grabbed my bag and followed the nurse back. "Nervous?" She smiled and held the door opened for me. I nodded and walked in, sitting down on the exam table. "Yeah. I'm terrified. I'm scared I'm going to regret it." I sighed, looking down at my hands. "Then why are you doing it?" She asked not looking up from my chart.

At first, I was a little taken back. Why would she even ask that question? "It's complicated I guess. The father—" "Honey, if he got you pregnant and can't take care of it, you shouldn't have even been with him in the first place." I could only laugh. "No, it's not that. He's... in a band. I don't want it to hurt his career, I guess." She nodded but continued, "Well it shouldn't be up to him. You're the one who's going to mentally have to be okay with it." That stung. I never had thought about it that way. "You're so right." I sighed.

My mental health is something I've been taking very seriously. Ever since I was 16 after some bad incidents, I've suffered from anxiety and depression. My depression had been getting better and hadn't been too bad. But it seemed my anxiety was always there. I couldn't do anything without worrying or sending myself into a panic. And now—especially after her comments—I was freaking out inside. "I... I don't think I can do this." I blurted out. I sprung off the table and ran out.

I didn't stop running until I got to the street corner. I pulled out my phone as I started walking home. How as I supposed to tell Matty I didn't do this? That I was potentially going to ruin his career? I continued to mull it over in my head but every situation ended poorly. I turned the corner to my building and stopped in my tracks. "Shit."

There Matty stood, dressed in all black jeans with a black hoodie over his head. The only reason I knew it was him was his hair peaking out from the hood, and the cigarette in his hand. Otherwise, he blended in like any other Seattleite. He saw me and immediately put out his cigarette. "I didn't think you would be walking home." I looked away. "I couldn't do it, okay?" I hissed and threw the door opened. "What?" Matty called after me.

I ran up the stairs, Matty in tow. "What are you saying? How? What?" I tried to ignore him and push back the tears. "Fuck. Not now." I complained as I dropped my keys. I picked them up and fumbled to get my door unlocked. And by this time, Matty had caught up to me. I held opened my door so he could walk in. "Look, I just couldn't do it. I felt guilty, regret. And the mental repercussions of it absolutely terrify me. I don't expect you to understand and I don't want you to feel bad for me. So you don't have to be part of this and I completely get why you wouldn't be." Matty just looked at me with a blank face as I rambled on, "I'm sorry I know I'm letting you down and fucking up everything. But I just can't do it. There are the beginnings of a person inside me. A little me or you. I can't wrap my head aroun—" Matty just put his hand up.

The silence was so loud. I just looked at Matty as he looked at me. I'm sure I looked terrified because he gave me a weak smile. He looked to relaxed, leaning against the kitchen counter with his hands in his pockets and I wasn't sure how. He slowly stood up, and made his way over to me. He still said nothing as me pulled me into a gentle hug.

"I knew this was most likely going to happen, Jasper."

"Really?"

"Yes. I can tell that you are a very strong person but I knew you weren't going to me mentally strong enough."

"Sorry.."

He let go of me and just sighed. "We'll figure this out. I mean, you don't have to take responsibility for me or whoever comes along." I rushed. "Will you stop saying that?" Matty snapped, leaning back against the counter. "It's my fault, too. There was just something about you that night..." I just looked down at the ground. I could feel my face burning up. "Stop... We seriously have to figure this out. Matty, you can't just drop everything. And I don't want your career to be ruined by this." He just laughed. "What if it's just a secret? I'll pay to support my kid, I'll go on tours and when I'm not, I'll come and visit. We just won't tell the fans." He suggested. "Yeah, I guess. I mean I don't want you to think you're tied down to me. I mean... we aren't together. We just are going to have a kid." I scratched my head. It didn't sound great but we knew it was going to be for the best. "It'll all be okay." Matty said, reassuring me. "I hope so. Because now we're in this for good."

Matty stayed for dinner. He insisted that he try to get to know me more. I argued with him on it, but eventually gave in. I was too hungry to continue to argue. "So. Jasper. Tell me everything I could ever need to know about you." Matty said, shutting the front door behind him. "I'll tell you once you bring that Chinese take out here." I laughed. I sat on my couch, one hand on my stomach and the other holding water. I needed to take care of myself now. It wasn't just all about me anymore. Matty sat down next to me, handing me a box and a pair of chopsticks.

"Now, start talking."

"Alright. Well I've lived in Washington my whole life. I grew up outside the city. I have two older sisters that I don't really talk with... I used to be part of a church."

"You? A church girl? Give me a break."

"No it's true, I was. I used to go two or three times a week up until I was 15. It took some traumatic experiences for me to realize I was being brainwashed."

Matty just nodded. I hated talking about this. I was hoping he wouldn't pry but of course he did. "What do you mean, traumatic?" I looked out the window and sighed. "I was raped by one of the youth leaders. Then, the church—even my parents—tried to tell me it was my fault. That what I wore wasn't okay and I have to be mindful of my brothers' and can't tempt them." I just looked at Matty. "I'm dead serious. They told me that I played a part in it." I shrugged, there wasn't anything I could do about it now, and it took a few years of counseling to realize that. Matty just shook his head. "I can't believe that. It's so fucked up." He finally said. "Yeah. Just don't feel bad for me I'm over it. It was almost seven years ago."

The rest of the night we spent just talking. I told him about my parents and sisters. We don't keep in touch anymore because of the rape. They didn't understand why I was upset about being told it was my fault. Soon as I started college we just kind of lost contact. We still talk, and I see them every once in a while but not like it should be. "Hey... why'd you come anyways?" I finally asked. I didn't know he would be here. "Because I felt guilty. And I wasn't sure if you would actually go through with it. And, if you did, I didn't want you to be alone incase something happened." I just smiled at him. "It's my fault anyways." He sighed, readjusting himself on the couch. "It's whatever. I'll be fine." I was tired of talking about it. "Did you tell anyone? Not even Jamie?"

"Jamie knows. I had to explain my absence for a few days. But besides that, the boys don't, my mum definitely doesn't." Matty sighed, running a hand through his hair. I felt bad for him; I put him in this position. "Don't feel bad for me. I can see it on your face. We've got to move past that."