i know it's me that's supposed to love you // m.h.

// T H O U G H T I D S E E Y O U A R O U N D //

The rest of the tour I was distracted. There were only a handful of shows left in the US before our break and getting through them without thinking of my girls.

It was like I was an addict again and Juniper's giggle was my drug.

I sat in the back of my cab as it drove me to an unfamiliar flat. I drummed my fingers against the glass of the window to alleviate the anxiety. All I could think about was scooping up my little girl and her mom. How I wanted this accidental family to be mine. I wanted us to be a physical, tangible, real family—not this family I had been dreaming of each night.

If someone had tried to tell my young, hopeless self that I would be given this life, I would've laughed. I would have never believed the success of my band, and the chance of having a kid—let alone a kid with someone who came to my show.

I slowly said my thanks as my cab came to a stop. I looked at the building—the architecture matched the personality of Jasper.

My heartbeat increased with each step I took. I stopped at the door, putting my face in my hands. Sweaty palmed, I knocked on the door. Slowly, it opened.

"Daddy! You're home!"

Juniper instantly glued herself to my legs, giggling.

"Hey sweet pea. Can I come in?"

I assumed her answer was yes, saying she just ran inside screaming the whole way about how her dad was home. I sat my bag down inside next to a basket filled with Jasper's heels and little girl shoes. Shutting the door behind me, I looked around.

The flat was rather spacious, an open concept. To the left was a small living room, filled with soft grays, hints of yellow, lavender and kids toys. Directly in front of me was the kitchen with a bar counter covered in flowers and ivy, their leaves dangling off the edge. I assumed the hallway that Juniper was running down next to the kitchen led to the bedrooms.

But that's where she stood. Leaning against the wall, her blonde hair was curled, finally growing long again. She looked lovely. I instantly recognized that oversized sweater that was draped across her body as she tugged on the sleeves. Juniper was wrapped around her legs.

"Hey..." I said softly.

"Welcome back. We missed you. Didn't we?"

Jasper bent down awkwardly to pick up Juniper, groaning as she put her on one hip.

"You're getting too big for momma." She sighed, walking towards me finally.

xxxx

I sat in the living room entertaining Juniper with her toy horses and blocks. Jasper seemed a little on edge, and uneasy as she watched from the kitchen.

"Are you sure you don't need help, Jasp?"

"Yes for the last time, Matty."

"I just feel bad."

"Trust me, you aren't the one that should be feeling bad. Please just spend time with your daughter."

I nodded watching Jasper.

"Is your mommy okay?" I whispered into Juniper's ear. She looked at me pushing back her brown curls, her soft blue eyes felt like they were staring into my soul. Juniper looked over my shoulder to look at her mother.

"I dunno. She says her belly hurts a lot now."

My thoughts were interrupted by Jasper instructing us to wash up. I followed Juniper to the bathroom.

"Daddy can you hold me up? Mommy has a hard time doing it."

"Of course sweet pea."

I couldn't help but smile as she sang while washing. Her little voice was precious. My creative wheels were processing, wondering if I could use her little voice as a sample perhaps. I set her down, and she took off running again. I laughed as I followed her back down the hall.

xxxx

"Do you want me to put her to bed?" I asked, nodding to Juniper who was struggling to stay awake on the opposite couch. Jasper nodded, she was wrapped in a blanket with her legs draped over my lap. "Third door on the right."

I scooped up Juniper and followed instructions. Luckily Juniper was already in her pajamas so all I had to do was tuck her in.

"Daddy, will you sing to me? Everybody's dead?" her small voice squeaked from under the sheets.

"Of course, June."

I was only a few verses in and she was knocked out. Kissing her cheek, I pulled the sheets tight around her. I shut the door quietly and walked down the hall softly, hoping I wouldn't wake her.

"Have you got any wine?"

"In the cabinet above the stove. Glasses are in the cabinet to the above the coffee maker."

"Do you want a glass, Jasper?"

"No but thank you."

I poured my merlot in silence.

"Are you sure you are okay, Jasper?"

"Uh... yeah. Just a lot going on."

I took a sip and returned to my spot on the couch next to her.

"Tell me."

"Work is stressful, the firm here wants me to do traveling for them but I can't do that to Juniper. My mom and sisters are desperate to visit me here."

"Yikes I'm sorry, love."

She rested her head against my shoulder.

"I'm sorry, I left. I wish you had been here. For everything."

"Yeah... me too. But if it helped you heal..."

"I don't know. I think it did. I just feel guilty that you didn't get to see her first steps, hear her first words."

"It's okay, truly."

I pulled her closer, kissing her forehead. We sat in silent for a few moments before I decided to break it.

"So what should we do?"

"What do you mean, Matthew?"

"Well we have a kid now and I want to try to make something work."

"I do too."

"Maybe we stay separate until we feel comfortable living together again? I can come over for dinner every night or you can come with June?"

"Well here's the thing Matty. That sounds great but I think I'm going to need more help with June."

I sat back looking at her again, puzzled by what that meant.

"Do you need more money or?"

"Uh, not yet. But maybe soon."

"What the hell, Jasper? Was this your plan the whole time?"

A smile spread across her face as she let out a laugh.

"No, no way. It's just that I'm pregnant. Again."