i know it's me that's supposed to love you // m.h.

// R U S H I N G I N A S M A L L T O W N //

Jasper

"She's so small for 8 months old." The lady on the plane next to me commented. I smiled and kindly replied, "Her father and I both aren't big people. And she's healthy. That's what matters." I then held a sleeping Juniper as we began our journey. Our journey to her father. I looked out the plane window, gathering in the mountains and beautiful Seattle sky as we left. Matty had done it—convinced me to move with him. I would start looking for a job once I got settled in.

Thankfully, Juniper was quiet and calm the whole way. Only one time was she fussy and it was quickly solved with a quick feeding. I thanked the lady next to me for being so patient and good about having a baby next to her. Stretching my legs, I then placed Juniper in the sling, then making our way off the plane. Finally getting through customs, I heard June giggle a little. Kind of surprised by it, I looked to where she was staring off and saw him. Matty stood, waving at Juniper. She had recognized him. My heart melted. I walked in his direction only to be brought into a tight hug.

"How was the flight?"

"Good. Long but good."

"How'd June do?"

"She was an angel, as usual."

Matty smiled, taking Juniper off of my body. She smiled up at him as he nuzzled her close to him. "Ello, my love." He whispered, kissing the top of her head. It had been a few months since we were last together. I made every effort to keep him involved with Juniper and making sure she was able to know who he was. We made our way out to Matty's car. "Has everything arrived okay?" I asked, putting Juniper into her car seat. Matty nodded as he started the engine. It was time for my new life to begin.

The car ride was quiet. Juniper slept quietly in the back; I looked out the window while Matty drove. My mind was moving too quickly for me to be content with what was happening. There was an empty feeling in my chest. No happiness, no excitement, no love. Nothing. I gently rested my head against the window as the storm in my mind started. I glanced over at Matty, who seemed happy. At least he was. I closed my eyes, praying that something would end the pain. End me.

"Welcome to your new home, my love." Matty cooed quietly as he lifted June out of her car seat. I slowly followed behind, I didn't have the energy to keep up with his excitement. "Good to be back?" He asked, waiting for me at the front door. I shrugged, I hadn't decided yet. "Probably best for her. But good for me? We'll see." I mumbled. I tried to ignore the face he made at me.

"I'm going to go pump so we have some milk for her, take a shower and go to bed. Are you good with her for the night?"

"Yeah, of course. A little father-daughter bonding time will be nice."

I nodded, then made my way upstairs. I walked into the small room Matty had converted into a bedroom for Juniper and I. I sat down in a chair and started putting together the machine. I quietly hummed to myself, trying to relax. I could hear Juniper getting fussy downstairs so once I had a few bottles worth; I turned the machine off and walked downstairs. "Here's one, I'm sure she's hungry." I offered, handing it to Matty. He took it gratefully, as I put the rest in the fridge. I quietly walked up stairs, leaving Matty to his own devices.

I stood in the shower, memories of the last time flooded over me. I was pregnant, happy but yet fell in the shower. I sat down on the shower floor; my hair clung to my body. I couldn't help but let the tears fall. Everything felt so wrong. I was supposed to be happy. I was supposed to adore my daughter. But all I wanted was to cry. I closed my eyes, trying to muster strength to carry on. I slowly stood, washing my hair, my body and quickly shaving. I got out, wrapping a towel around me and looked in the mirror. The air was cold, and my body shook. I wiped the steam off the mirror and looked at my reflection. The dark circles under my eyes were darker, blue eyes seemed grey now. The smile lines that marked my face hadn't been used in a while.

"You alright, love?" His voice broke me out of my trance. "Uh... yeah. I'm good." I smiled and opened the door. Matty's face said he didn't believe me, but I brushed past him to my room. "Is she sleeping?" I whispered before I opened the door. Matty just nodded and I turned around. "Goodnight then. Thanks for that." I offered him a smile, and then quietly shut the door behind me.

I braided my wet hair in the dark, a large shirt draped over my thin frame. I heard Juniper quietly sleeping. I could hear Matty shuffling around about in his room. I sighed, pulling the blankets over me. I wasn't sure if I was going to sleep tonight. I slowly got comfortable, hoping Juniper wouldn't wake. It had been months since I slept a full night. I lay in the dark, eyes fixated on the ceiling above me as I sent out a silent prayer—to whoever was listening—that I would find my happiness again.