JOYCE AND MARTIN STAND IN THE DOORWAY LOOKING INTO THE KITCHEN. THERE IS A TRAIL OF DIRT THAT STOPS AT A PAIR OF DISCARDED WORKMAN’S BOOTS. THEY MOVE INTO THE KITCHEN. NORMA COURTLY APPEARS IN THE DOORWAY.
NORMA: I see himself is home. Doesn’t improve with age does he? Not like my Jim was.
(PAUSE) How’s that extension coming on?
NORMA COMES INTO THE KITCHEN. BEHIND THE SHEET CURTAIN BURPING AND FARTING CAN BE HEARD.
MARTIN: Oh God!
THE SHEET CURTAIN IS PULLED BACK AND VERNON STANTON - A FAT, SCRUFFY MAN, HIS STOMACH HANGING OVER HIS TROUSERS, SINKING A BEER STRAIGHT FROM THE CAN - ENTERS THE KITCHEN. ANOTHER BUCKLED BEER CAN LIES ON THE COUNTER IN A POOL OF LIQUID. JOYCE WHO UNTIL NOW SEEMED FROZEN IN HORROR, RUSHES FOR A CLOTH, COASTER, ASHTRAY ETC...AND HER RUBBER GLOVES.
VERNON: (To Martin) How’s my girl? I must be paying you too much if you can get
tarted up like that.
MARTIN: You could do with taking a leaf out of my book.
NORMA: Vernon cut quite a dash one time over. Of course that was....a while ago.
VERNON: Norma. To what do we owe the pleasure of your company? Day release from the
coven? (To Joyce) Where’ve you been? There’s no food in this house and
we’re running out of beer.
JOYCE WHO HAS BEEN CLEANING AND TIDYING UP AFTER VERNON OPENS THE FRIDGE. SHE LEANS HEAVILY ON THE DOOR. THE FRIDGE IS FULL OF FOOD.
JOYCE: (Breathless) There’s plenty in here.
JOYCE HANDS VERNON ANOTHER CAN OF BEER SHE ALSO OFFERS ONE TO MARTIN WHO DECLINES IT BY SHAKING HIS HEAD.
MARTIN: Adding to your considerable charms?
VERNON: Careful Twinkle. Remember who pays your wages.
JOYCE: Time you let Martin take over a bit. I might even get my conservatory.
NORMA: Joyce seems to have been waiting a lifetime to see that thing finished.
VERNON: I work hard enough for this family it’ll get done when I’m ready. And
Mummy’s Boy has had enough help from me. He’ll be thinking he can run the
bloody business next.
JOYCE: That’s not such a bad idea is it?
VERNON: Over my dead body.
VERNON FINISHES HIS CAN, CRUSHES IT AND TOSSES IT ONTO THE COUNTER. JOYCE PICKS IT UP AND WIPES UP THE RESULTANT SPILL.
VERNON: You want to see someone about that. Obsessed you are. You’ll wear yourself
out. Should Be more like me...relaxed.
VERNON SITS BACK ON A KITCHEN CHAIR AND PROPS HIMSELF UP BY PUTTING HIS FEET ON THE TABLE.
MARTIN: Maybe Mum would be more relaxed if you helped a bit more. Can’t you see she’s
not well...
JOYCE: (Interrupting) Martin I need some space to get on with tea. I’ll ring
you later. Norma, see you for a cuppa tomorrow?
NORMA: Got to go anyway, re-run of ‘Diagnosis Murder’. (Sote Voce to Joyce) Might
give you some ideas about how to deal with your Vernon!
VERNON: You know you love me really Norm.
JOYCE USHERS MARTIN AND NORMA OUT OF THE BACK DOOR.
VERNON: So what’s up with you?
JOYCE: I went to see a doctor today...
VERNON: (Vernon concentrates on lighting up and smoking a cigarette) Just keep
taking the tablets love. Probably your time of life. Where’s this tea at
then?
JOYCE: (To the audience) Typical. I try and tell him and he doesn’t want
to hear. Won’t let anything interfere with his creature comforts. If you
were being kind you’d call it denial. If you were being honest you’d call
cruel. Anyway I haven’t got the energy or time left to teach an old dog new
tricks. Vernon’s right about one thing, it is my time of life and if
I’m going to enjoy it something will have to go....
VERNON BURPS, HIS FAG HANGS FROM THE CORNER OF HIS MOUTH, HE SCRAPES BACK HIS CHAIR, GOES TO THE FRIDGE AND STARTS RUMMAGING AROUND ITS CONTENTS.
JOYCE: (To the audience) Him!
VERNON LEAVES THE KITCHEN DROPPING RUBBISH AND CRUMBS IN HIS WAKE. JOYCE FOLLOWS PICKING UP AFTER HIM.
YOU ARE READING
Houseproud - A Play
HumorA black comedy written some time ago as a short theatre play using limited sets and a very small cast. Apologies for the weird paginating I did try to correct it but after saving the changes it only looked worse! So I'm not going to fiddle with it a...
