MARTIN AND JOYCE SIT AT THE KITCHEN TABLE WITH A PILE OF ‘TRUE CRIME’ BOOKS. JOYCE WEARS A HOUSECOAT AND HER RUBBER GLOVES.
JOYCE: Agatha Christie? Bernard Spilsbury? Ruth Rendell? ‘Carnal Crimes’?!
MARTIN: Funny thing, the library seems to have a shortage of books listed under ‘50
ways to kill your old man’. Mum is this really what you want?
JOYCE: No court in the land would send me away. Anyhow we might get away with
it. Now get looking there might be something in one of these.
(Flicking through one of the books)
Here we are...take one pair of handcuffs and a chain-saw..who’d you
think I am Al Pacino?! (Martin takes the book and wistfully looks at the
cover) Anyway after making a mess all his life I am determined he’s not
going to make one in death. Let’s look for something more (PAUSE) sanitary.
MARTIN: In that case I think poisoning is your best bet.
JOYCE: I thought so too. But it appears arsenic is hard to disguise these
days. Unfortunately, forensic science has come a long way since the days of
Crippen. Anyway the side effects can be dreadful: vomiting, diarrhoea and
convulsions. What if they happened all at once? It doesn’t bear thinking
about, play havoc with my parquet. I did hear of a woman who tried to
poison someone with salt..mm..even that showed up...
MARTIN: You seem to have a surprising amount of knowledge on this subject.
JOYCE: It’s amazing what you can pick up from a boxed set of “CSI Miami”.
MARTIN GIVES HIS MOTHER A CONCERNED LOOK THEN THE PAIR CARRY ON PERUSING THE BOOKS. NORMA PASSES THE KITCHEN WINDOW AND TAPS ON THE BACK DOOR. MARTIN HASTILY GATHERS UP THE VOLUMES. JOYCE SMOOTHS HERSELF DOWN AND OPENS THE DOOR TRYING TO BLOCK NORMA’S VIEW OF THE TABLE. NORMA LOOKS OVER JOYCE’S SHOULDER.
NORMA: You two look busy. Not like you Joyce to leave such a mess out.
JOYCE: We’re just planning what we can do with ourselves while Vernon’s away.
NORMA: Vernon? Where’s he going? Some kind of beano?
JOYCE: No. He’s going down South (PAUSE) tohelp with some foundations.
NORMA: Someone must be desperate to use your Vernon.
JOYCE: Anyway, Martin and I thought we might go on one of those murder weekends.
We’re practising trying to come up with the perfect crime. Any ideas?
NORMA: You should have come to me straight away. I’m a genius at this sort of
thing...if I do say so myself. Always get the killer before the second lot
of ads.
SUDDENLY NORMA GRABS MARTIN THROWING HIM TO THE FLOOR HIS HEAD IN AN ARM LOCK.
NORMA: The element of surprise for example. One sharp twist and his neck’s broken.
JOYCE: Mind that cupboard door! Don’t scratch it.
MARTIN CHOKES. JOYCE SCRUTINISES THE HOLD.
JOYCE: Doesn’t that take a lot of strength,what if our murderer is a woman of say
(PAUSE) my build.
NORMA: It’s not a question of physique more one of technique..
JOYCE: One for the expert then?
NORMA: Probably.
NORMA RELEASES MARTIN BUT BEFORE HE CAN REGAIN HIS BREATH SHE TAKES A J-CLOTH FROM THE SINK KNOTS IT IN THE MIDDLE AND WRAPS IT AROUND MARTIN’S NECK.
NORMA: OK then what about the good old garrotte? Thuggee. Trusted for
centuries. Never fails...
NORMA TIGHTENS HER GRIP
...You just need to keep tight hold.
JOYCE: What about loosening of the bowels? Would there be any leakage?
NORMA: Could be a problem in the real world but not the sort of thing you need to
worry about on a No-Clue Crime Weekend, I shouldn’t think.
NORMA RELEASES MARTIN WHO COUGHS AND STRUGGLES TO BREATH.
MARTIN: What is it with you two? I’d heard that the menopause sometimes results
in strange behaviour but this is downright alarming.
JOYCE: Martin get up off the floor it was only washed this morning.
NORMA GRABS A KNIFE AND HOLDS IT AGAINST MARTIN’S JUGULAR.
JOYCE: (Ignoring Norma and Martin: Joyce turns to the audience) Good old Norma
has come up trumps. Time to phone a man about a cement mixer.
MARTIN: (Pleading) Mum!
YOU ARE READING
Houseproud - A Play
HumorA black comedy written some time ago as a short theatre play using limited sets and a very small cast. Apologies for the weird paginating I did try to correct it but after saving the changes it only looked worse! So I'm not going to fiddle with it a...
