Houseproud - A Play

Houseproud - Scene 5 - Joyce's Kitchen - A couple of weeks later

OUTSIDE SOUNDS OF A VAN PULLING UP. VERNON ENTERS THROUGH THE BACK DOOR CARRYING PART OF A LADDER AND THROWS IT DOWN ONTO THE KITCHEN TABLE. HE HAS A FAG IN THE CORNER OF HIS MOUTH.

JOYCE ENTERS THE KITCHEN FROM THE HOUSE. WHEN SHE SEES VERNON SHE HAS TO STEADY HERSELF.

VERNON:            Another close shave.

JOYCE:                (To the audience) A simple little sawing job...

VERNON:            Could have been nasty that (examines  the ladder). My bloody guardian

                              angel’s been working overtime this last couple of weeks.

JOYCE:                Looks like it. (To the audience) Trust his guardian angel to go into

                              overdrive just when mine’s on a go  slow.

VERNON:            You’ll never guess. Left this out on that job over in Rainsford and some

                              toe-rag tries to use it to break into  a house...

JOYCE:                (To the audience) Saved by the saints of inertia...

VERNON:            Found him with a broken neck and the  ladder in two pieces. Could have been

                              me!

JOYCE:                To think!

JOYCE STARTS TO PUT TOGETHER A PACKED LUNCH.

VERNON:             What with the van.

JOYCE:             (To the audience) What a job, all that grease. Thank God for Marigolds. Trust

                           him to lend it to a neighbour...  presently in traction at the Infirmary. Still there’s always

                           plan C!

JOYCE EMPTIES SOMETHING FROM A PESTLE AND MORTAR INTO THE SANDWICH SHE IS MAKING.

VERNON:         Hope these things don’t come in  threes.

JOYCE:              Here’s hoping...

VERNON GETS UP AND STARTS PULLING CLOTHES OUT OF THE WASHING MACHINE.

JOYCE:              That hasn’t been washed yet.

VERNON:          I want my blue shirt. The new girl at   the ‘The Dog and Duck’ said it sets off

                            me blue eyes.

VERNON DELVES DEEPER INTO THE MACHINE REVEALING A GROTESQUE ‘BUILDER’S CRACK’. HE DUMPS THE CLOTHES ON THE FLOOR.

JOYCE:                 Pardon?

VERNON:             Bit of harmless flirting love. Not like you’ve shown any interest in

                               years. You could be one of those born again virgins. Ah here it is...

VERNON PULLS OUT A CRUMPLED BLUE SHIRT, SNIFFS UNDER THE ARMS, TAKES OFF HIS WORK SHIRT AND PULLS THE BLUE SHIRT ON. HE GETS A BEER FROM THE FRIDGE THEN SLUMPS OVER THE KITCHEN TABLE SLURPING FROM THE CAN NOISILY. JOYCE FINISHES OFF THE PACKED LUNCH BOX THEN STARTS BREATHLESSLY PICKING UP THE CLOTHES AND PUTTING THEM BACK IN THE WASHING MACHINE.

JOYCE:                 I’ve done your lunch box. I’ll put it  in the fridge for tomorrow.

VERNON:             Might as well chuck it. I’m on me usual diet. Pie and a pint! (Laughs

                               and coughs). Been giving your lunches to Fred for weeks.

JOYCE FREEZES.

VERNON:               He’ll not be wanting them for a while..

JOYCE:                  (To the audience) Ground glass, let me guess...

VERNON:               ...coughing up fucking blood he is. Gone to hospital for tests.

VERNON LEAVES.

JOYCE:                  (To the audience) I’m beginning to think he has got a guardian angel. I

                                need help.

JOYCE PICKS UP THE PHONE AND ‘DIALS’.

JOYCE:                 Martin?

MARTIN STANDS IN ANOTHER AREA OF THE STAGE SPOTLIGHTED.

MARTIN:          Hello Mum. Everything alright?

JOYCE:            Vernon. So what's new. Like a cockroach he's indestructible.

MARTIN:          Mum, just leave, stay with  me.

JOYCE:            Let him get away with it. Lose my  home, your future. This is a battle to 

                          the death and I need your help.

MARTIN:          Mum? What has been going on?

JOYCE:            Get over here tomorrow and I’ll explain. Here’s what I want you to

                           bring...