Race. [TMNT 2012]

039. Grave; Raphael

Song: Be Still - The Fray

The lights of New York City are bright and happy.  Shadows are cast by buildings, but the rooftop keeps me safe from whatever might hide them.  Warm air swirls around me, blanketing my shell in comfort.  The stars smile down as I inhale the scents of summer.  There are no traces of the usual smog and garbage; instead, aromas of pizza and flowers encase me.

In front of me stands the very being that raised me from a hatchling.  His head is held with an elegant splendor, and his eyes glow with wisdom.  His beard is the only feature that reveals his age.  The rest of his furry body is coated in youth and strength.  Even his long tail flicks with effortless power.

"Master Splinter," I murmur, dipping my head like a student would to his teacher.

"You have come to speak with me again, Raphael?" Master Splinter flicks one of his ears curiously. "That is the fourth time this week. Normally, I have to chase you down to communicate with you."

My gaze drops to the ground. He's right; I have been visiting him much too often lately. The truth is that being near Master Splinter keeps my mind off of the horrible things happening in my life. Hearing his soothing, fatherly voice reminds me that I'm not alone.  He is there for me.  And the little tidbits of advice that he always throws my way help me make it through, despite how much I just want to curl up and hide.

"I have witnessed your grief, my son," Master Splinter rumbles as he closes the gap between us.  He places a gentle hand on my shoulder so I will look up at him.  "Your troubles are great.  You feel as if your universe is crumbled into nothing more than dust and gravel.  But you must stay strong, because this agony will not last forever."

I blink away the stinging in my eyes.  Another reason I like being around my father is that I never have to explain anything.  He already knows what's on my mind, and he is always prepared to counteract the negative.

"It's been weeks, sensei.  I just can't get over her," I say, my voice cracking with pain.  I hate talking about my problems with anyone else; Master Splinter is the only one I trust enough to confide in.  "I've spent every day since she died wondering if I could've save her.  Even Casey thinks it was my fault.  If I had just moved her out of the way..."  I trail off and inhale sharply to contain my saddened emotions.

"You made a decision not to act based on your instincts," Master Splinter replies wisely, stroking his long beard. "Every ninja master must trust in his knowledge and refrain from doubting his choices. If he cannot believe in himself, how can he believe in his teammates?"

I feel a defensive emotion grab my heart.  I do believe in my team, I just don't trust myself to keep them safe.  Besides, we're all going to die eventually.  If they're going to go before me, then I won't attempt to save them.  At least they'd be safer as a spirit than they are with me.  I am a time-bomb.  Nothing useful results from being around me.

Master Splinter's gaze is firm.  "My son, I do not tell you this because it brings me pleasure to scold you.  I inform you so that you may leave behind this tragic, unfruitful life for a productive one.  You're mind has begun to move much faster than reality, and you are making assumptions that are not true.  You must finish this race you have started..."

Suddenly, the scene before me begins to dissolve. Master Splinter's face is replaced with a pair of dark blue eyes and a blue mask. As I blink, I realize it's Leonardo.

"We're going on patrol in an hour," Leonardo informs me, looking as if he would rather not be speaking to me.  Lately, he only tells me things because he has to.  I'm not any help on patrols and he knows it.  It's better just to leave me behind.

"Whatever," I grumble, but Leonardo is already walking out of the dojo.

I glance around the room, letting out the puff of air I was holding in.  Everything is as ordinary as ever.  The wallpaper is covered in old Japanese tales, and the floor is coated in training mats.  The tree in the middle of the room is sturdy, feeding off some magical force in order to stay alive.  It might just be me, but the tree seems to have lost some of its splendor ever since Charlotte left us.

I get up from my meditating position and shake out my stiffness.  I have half a mind to sit back down and search for Master Splinter again, but the mood has vanished.  I have to be calm to meditate properly, otherwise all I see is blackness.  Irritation has taken me over because of Leonardo's meaningless interruption.  Why can't he just leave me alone?

Settling back into my daily routine, I head out of the dojo and into the main room.  Michelangelo is on the sofa, but he doesn't spare me a glance.  He learned long ago to stop teasing me.  Instead, he pranks Donatello.  The problem is that the purple-clad turtle doesn't take it nearly as well as I used to, and Michelangelo usually ends up in his room afterwards.  Oh well, there's nothing I can do.

I make it out into the sewer tunnels without being confronted.  My feet fall onto a familiar path as I wander down the trail. I try to steady my breathing, but the thought of where I'm going only makes my heart start aching. Grieved once again, I can barely put one foot in front of the other as I struggle to climb a ladder out of the sewers.

The rest of the trip is a blur. I reach my destination without completely realizing it, until I spot the familiar grave planted in the forest of the park. The autumn air has caused the greenery to die completely, making the scene even more depressing. Frost is laden over the small stone as I approached it. The sun reflects off the rock and washes it in pink, making it appear as if it's a dream. But I know all too well that it's real.

I bend down beside the stone, rubbing my fingers over the flower that I snatched on the way here. I set it down on top of the other flowers near her grave. It has become a tradition for me to renew the flowers on her grave every time the others begin to wilt. Since it's cold outside, that is pretty much a daily chore.

I get down on my knees and stare at the rock, my heart pounding painfully in my chest. All the memories I have with Charlotte seem to come flooding back, making my brain spin in my skull. Tears jump to my eyes, and it's all I could do to hold them back.

"I don't know if you can hear me, but I'm sorry," I whisper.  My chest is painfully clenched together as I stare down at the name engraved into the tiny stone.  "Casey was right.  It's my fault that you're not here.  I should have pushed you out of harm's way.  It's all my fault."

The wind ripples through the brown grass, chilling me to the bone.  But I am too determined to stay beside Charlotte's grave.  I would stay next to her forever if I could.

I swallow the lump in my throat and go on softly.  "I know I've said this hundred of times, but I didn't mean anything I said about you.  All the insults and names I threw at you were lies.  I was being stupid, as usual."  I start shaking as my emotions take me over.  "I don't hate you.  I could never hate you.  If you came back and gave me one last chance, I would make it up to you.  I promise."

Still, I receive no response.  My words are left to drift away into the atmosphere, as they always are.  I don't know why I expected this time to be any different.

I trace Charlotte's name with my finger, tears flooding my eyes.  "I know you can't hear me.  But if I'm wrong and you understand all of this, please give me a sign.  I need you, Char."

But the air is as silent as ever.

I am all alone.

I put my hand on Charlotte's grave and gaze longingly at the dying flowers on in. "Char, I need to know if you're there," I beg desperately. "If you can see what's going on, please just give me a sign."

Once again, only silence follows my words.