The Wolf and the Halla

Numb

Cassandra walked up the stairs tentatively, she didn't want to stress the Inquisitor anymore than necessary. Certainly not by stomping up to her room and scaring her to death. The sun sent small rays of light through holes in the wall as she ascended and she smiled when the sun warmed her cheek. The Maker would give her strength in the sun, even today.

Adani was startled when there was a knock on the door. "Inquisitor, may I come in?" She breathed out a sigh of relief at the sound of Cassandra's voice.

"Yes." She slipped out from under her cover and sat at the end of the bed. She didn't care that she was in her sleepwear, or that her hair was knotted with the previous night's tears. Cassandra walked over and sat beside her softly.

"How are you?" Cassandra frowned when Adani merely shrugged, her eyes never left the floor. The sadness that her lover disappearing had caused couldn't be ignored. That's the thing about pain, it has to be felt. One way or another. It worms it's way into every little crevice and pushes and prods and absolutely forces one to feel it.

"We should go out today. We could visit your Clan," Cassandra stated. She thought it might help, Revansa, her interest from Lavellan, came second to the immediate problem. She placed her hand on Adani's forearm and gave it a soft squeeze. "I know it is hard, Adani, but please. You should get out. Laying in bed is no longer helping you."

Adani nodded numbly. "I'll get a bath," she managed to croak out. Cassandra nodded curtly.

"Good," she smiled sadly. "Meet me in the Courtyard when you are prepared."

Once alone, Adani shuffled to the tub and touched her fingers to the warm water. She called fire to her touch and quickly heated  the water until it steamed. She dropped her bed clothes and slid into the scalding water. She imagined the hot water burning away the cold sadness that had seeped deep into her bones. She didn't cry, there were no more tears to shed. She only thought about his words. That he would explain when it was over, but he hadn't, had he? He had ran away, left her without an explanation. She had always thought there would be more time to fix things, to repair the love, after Corypheus.

Then he had said something interesting. He had said that "it was not supposed to happen like this" when he saw the orb. What had he meant by that? It was a strange thing to say. No matter what she tried to think about it, nothing was a solid answer.

Eventually, she pulled herself from the water and dried herself off with a wool towel. After she dressed, she braided her hair as she walked down to meet Cassandra.

"Hey, Boss. Ready to go?" Bull greeted her at the bottom of the steps, he held her staff in his large hand, making the weapon look small. She nodded and he passed the staff to her. She strapped it to her back and followed him over to meet Cassandra and Sera. She nodded to each of them, and Cassandra returned it with a smile.

"A wagon, yeah?" Sera snorted at the approaching wagon being pulled by armored horses. "That's gonna be fun, innit? All four of us stuck in there?"

Adani smiled lightly, but it felt heavy. Smiling seemed to drain her energy, seemed to put physical weight on her shoulders and strain her body and mind to focus and keep going.

.....

It was a short day and a half before they arrived at Clan Lavellan. Iron Bull left the wagon and helped Adani down from the wagon, then held the door for Cassandra and Sera. She didn't like the way everyone treated her like she was made of eggshells, destined to break and crumble at any time.

Deshanna greeted them and hugged her tightly. Adani balled her hand into a fist, pain flaring up through the anchor. It had been getting worse since she closed the Breach. The green glow was spreading up to her wrist, it pulsed sometimes and caused excruciating pain. Like it was doing now, only worse.

"It is good to see our First again," she said hoarsly. Her voice had recovered a small bit from the lashing her vocal cords had recieved.

"It is good to see you hahren," Adani replied.

"Ah, the hero of Thedas returns!" Revansa dropped a string of fat fish into a basket and headed over.

"Indeed she does," Adani smiled. "And I brought a few friends." She winked, letting him know that his secret was safe with her. He nodded discreetly.

"I will help unload your things."

"As will I," Cassandra followed him around the wagon, which Adani figured meant they were going to smooch out of sight. A twinge of jealously swelled in her chest, but she shoved it down.

She wandered away from Sera and the others, her mind subconsciously pulled her towards the forest surrounding the camp. There was some unseen force that dragged her feet in that direction and she followed them unknowingly.

Her mind was on other things. Namely, her broken heart. She just couldn't move on, no matter how many times she screamed at herself to just let it go. It made no difference to the constant ache that sat in her chest rather she wanted it gone or not.

The trees engulfed her in sudden smells and sounds. Bugs buzzed by her ears and crickets cried out in the dense underbrush. She walked on anyway. Her bare feet crushed fallen leaves and weeds as she followed the whims of her subconscious.

"Vhenan."

Every fiber of her being tensed. She was rooted to the damp dirt by her own two feet. She waited, impatiently, her lungs burning with the need to breathe, as she prayed to hear the voice again. Time seemed to slide by impossibly fast, and she was certain it had been too long and that she must have imagined it.

She turned around slowly. Her eyes landing on a face. Her brain couldn't comprehend what she saw. Was it really his face, or was this just a hallucination? Heartache induced insanity?

"Solas?" Her voice hitched halfway through the name.

He nodded.

She couldn't move. "Wh-why are you..?"

He stepped closer, but not close enough in her opinion. "I had to see you."

She smiled, and tears streaked down her cheeks. She was hesitant to touch him and shatter the illusion, but unable to resist. She stepped into his body and his arms wrapped around her. His body was warm, a sure sign that this was real. Well, that and a steady heartbeat.

"I missed you so much," she sobbed.

"Ar lath ma, vhenan," he whispered softly into her hair. There was a lingering "but" at the end of his statement though.

"What?" She leaned back and took in his solemn face.

"I cannot stay, but I had to see you before.." he trailed, his eyebrows pinching together.

"No." Her lip wobbled. "No, you can't go again. Please don't go. Ar lath ma." She shook her head. "I can't live without you. I can't!"

He wiped tears off of her unmarked cheeks and kissed her right to the left of her lips. "Yes, you can." He took her hand in his and did something she didn't see because her eyes were on the intense lines etched onto his face, but the pain lessened.

He looked back into her eyes, but didn't let go of her hand. "And you will." He kissed her forehead for a long moment before dropping her hand and stepping away. He turned and walked away into the forest. She didn't try to follow, knowing that would be futile.

There was one thing she knew as she watched his form disappear through a haze of tears. One thing that would never change. She loved him, and nothing could change that. Not even whatever came next.