Lost and Insecure

two

Chapter 2

After watching the blood drip from my arm, mesmerizing me, a 'ding' from my phone snaps me out of my daze. I stand up and wash my arm off, and dab at it with a washcloth. It stings, but I'm used to it.

I smile, looking at my phone, when I realize it's a text from Drew.

'Hey, how are you doing?'

Not good at all, you don't know badly I just want to end all of my pain. I have a bathtub, I have pills, there's lots of tall buildings in New York, why haven't I killed myself yet? I'm a coward. I keep hoping that someone will help me and love me and make me feel like I'm not a worthless piece of shit, but at the end of the day, I know it's never ever going to happen. I tell myself that the reason I have held on is because I am stronger than even I know, but I promise someday soon, if someone doesn't save me, I WILL end it all.

Instead I answer:

'Ok I guess'

I know he's not going to buy it. He's going to say, 'No, how do you REALLY feel', and I won't know what to say.

'You and I both know that's a lie. What's going on boo?'

I smile slightly at the use of my old nickname. So many memories of our friendship, ever since kindergarten we've been inseparable.

'I can't stay strong Drew ... I need you back home .'

He needs to come home. I can't handle him being away.

'I'll be home soon enough. Only 1 and a half more weeks.'

'That's not soon enough . I already did it again ... I couldn't handle it .'

I know he's going to be mad. I know he is. But it was a moment of weakness. I need him here, now.

'Delilah...babe. You need to stop...'

'I've been trying ... It's so hard without you here . It's easier to stay strong when someone close to you cares . But now I'm all alone .'

I am alone. Even in a crowded room, I am utterly and completely alone. No one, I repeat no one, knows how I feel 99% of the time. And if you do, I'm really sorry.

'I know Delilah...but just think about when you have kids and they see all these scars on your wrists. They'll wonder what happened. And if you tell them 'I was really sad' then they'll think that whenever they're sad they should too. You can't let that happen. You need to think about the future.'

I laughed bitterly when I read that. Who would want to have kids or be married to a fat cow like me? No one. I swear, if this carries on there won't be a future for me. Because I will have already killed myself before a future presents itself to me.

'What about NOW ? Huh ? I'm miserable every day and I want to fucking die , I can't even stand to think about the future and I don't want to . It's not worth trying to get my hopes up when I'll already have commited suicide by the time the future rolls by , Drew . I really cannot take all this shit all the time . You always tell me I'm so strong and I used to believe it but I don't think I fucking can anymore .'

I wish he could be here right now, kissing my scars, bringing me in for a tight hug, wiping away my tears. Anything.

But no. The kid is on fucking vacation.

'You're a lot stronger than you think, Delilah you have no idea how strong you are. You WILL have a future. I won't let you kill yourself. You're too loved, too special to do that. I love you, your mum loves you, your family loves you, and many more. Don't you ever forget that.'

'Yeah , you keep telling me that and for some ODD reason I can't really seem to believe it . Huh .'

'Delilah, stop. You are more loved than you know. It breaks my heart to see you like this all the time...you don't deserve it.'

Yes, I do deserve it.

'Whatever you say ,'

'Delilah stop. Please'

I've been trying to, but it just gets worse and worse. Why? I'm a despicable human being that deserves to kill herself and I know it. I swear, if it wasn't for Drew, I wouldn't still be here. I already would've killed myself.

He sends another text.

'Okay, love, I gotta go. Stay strong for me. I love you x'

'Love you too , bye .'

I've probably ruined his vacation. I ruin everything. I'm a worthless piece of shit with so much baggage. I have more scars than I could ever count. When Charles, my dad, abused me, my mum did nothing to stop him. If she did, he would've done the same to her.

She always cared a lot more about herself than she ever did me.

Jake couldn't do anything about it either. He would've gotten beaten just like the rest of us. He actually never knew he sexually abused me until one day he came home from a friends house early and heard my screams. That was also the day I was stabbed in the stomach, and the day Charles went to prison.

He doesn't deserve the title 'dad' at all.

I jump a little as my phone rings. An unkown number pops up, but I answer it anyway.

"Hullo?"

I listen to the voice on the other end, telling me that something's happened, I should drive to the hospital A.S.A.P., and if I can't drive myself then get someone to.

Tears well up in my eyes and a lump rises in my throat. I can't speak, and my phone slips from my hand.

One thought circles in my head,

No.

---------------------------------------------

Cliffhangerrr . Ok can you put stuff in italics and bold using mobile ? And if so how ? Bc that's something I would really like to know ...

I'm gunna do like a 'guess the song' thing in each chapter and whoever gets it right first will get the next chapter dedicated to them . Cool ? Cool .

This weeks song is amazingg omg .

'I've got shame

I've got scars

That I will never show

I'm a survivor

In more ways than you know'

Comment if you knowww :)

Also give me feedback too , and vote if you really love me , 'cause I mean come on . Who doesn't ? I'm fabb .

Hahaha no

~ nicole x