Lost and Insecure

three

Chapter 3

Somehow I got to my neighbor's house who drove me to the hospital without any explanation. I'm not sure how, I felt completely numb the whole time, my mind racing, thoughts swirling in circles, giving me headaches. Tears threaten to fall from my eyelashes, and I try to fight them but eventually give up and sob openly in the car as fat tears roll down my cheeks.

I don't know what I'm going to do.

I try my best to wipe my tears and look somewhat presentable -- well, at least as presentable as I can get myself to be -- as we pull up to the hospital. Memories of the hospital come in horrible flashbacks as I walk through the halls numbly, trying not to let the indescribable smell of hospital get to me.

I walk through the maze of hallways and corridors as my neighbor, Linda, leads me. I'm glad she's with me. She's been like my other mum, especially since she's Drew's mum. If she weren't here, I would be wandering aimlessly down the halls and feel utterly and completely lost.

But you are, a voice in my head reminds me. Lost.

Linda finds the room and she squeezes my hand, waiting outside while I walk shakily into the room.

I instantly gasp at the sight before me, tears welling up in my eyes. And this time I can't even try to stop them.

I see my mum, broken and bent, on hospital bed, looking barely alive. Break Even comes into my head as I watch her shallow breaths in her chest.

"I'm still alive but I'm barely breathin',"

The doctors, who I just notice now, are doing their doctor-y stuff. I realize I'm standing in the doorway still, and walk in. Instantly, doctors rush over to me. Their questions overload me, filling my head and making it throb.

"Are you family?"

"You must be Delilah, right?"

"Where is Jacob?"

Tears stream down my cheeks and I bury my face in my hands. Just then, another doctor walks in the room.

"GUYS! Give her some room, now. This is her mother, be sensitive and don't overload her. She's probably in shock right now. Just go, I'll handle this. You guys obviously can't," barks the man. He's a lot older than everyone else in the room.

All the other doctors file out quietly, some giving me sympathetic smiles on the way out.

"Hello, Delilah. I'm Dr. Walters," the man says softly and kindly, holding out his hand to shake. His voice differed so much from when he was talking to the doctors from me, a lot.

"Hi," I said quietly, shaking his hand. I say nothing more because I know if I try, I'll lose it.

"I'm so sorry about the other doctors, they were a bit overwhelming. Now, I'm assuming you want to know what's going on," Dr. Walters said gently. All I could do was nod, in fear of bursting out crying.

"Well, you see, you know your mum got in a car accident on the way home from work, the person on the phone told you that. You also know that your mum is in a coma. The thing no one knows, is when she's going to wake up. She suffered severe brain damage, her head hit the windshield really hard. There's no telling how long she will be in the coma," he told me, being kind as well as getting to the point.

"Will she even wake up?" I ask him, more tears spilling over my eyelashes.

"I'm afraid even we don't know the answer. There's no way of knowing," he says sympathetically.

My mum might not have been there all the time for me, and she definitely wouldn't have gotten the Best Mum Award, but she was still my mum. She brought me into this world. She raised me. As much as I might've said 'I hate you' to her, we both knew, deep down inside, that we loved each other with all our souls.

"We have contacted your brother, and told him everything, and he will be coming soon. Is the lady out in the hallway considered a guardian?" he asks me. I nod. "Then I'll leave you some time alone."

With that, he patted me on the shoulder, smiled sadly, and walked out of the room.

I walked over to the hospital bed and sat down in the recliner, tears running down my face. It really hit me then, that she might not wake up. I might not ever get to tell her I love her again, might not be able to have any movie marathons with her. I'll have lost her.

I decided to talk to her. I took her limp, frail hand in mine and looked at her.

"Hey, mum," I started out, sniffling. "Uhm, I don't know if you can hear me right now, but I just wanna say that I love you. I'll always regret fighting with you, and I know I haven't said I love you enough. I regret anything I said to you that hurt you, anything I did to defy you, anything at all. I want you to wake up... But I kind of know that's not going to happen..." I started tearing up again and failed miserably at trying to hold it in. Tears slid down my face faster and faster. "I don't really know... I'm just trying to say I'll miss you I guess. No matter how much we fought, I love you so so much. And even though I was convinced you hated me sometimes, I know you were looking out for me and just loved me too much to make the wrong decision."

I couldn't say anything more after that. A knot grew deep in my chest and I started sobbing uncontrollably.

* flashback to that morning *

I gulped down the last of my cereal and quickly put my bowl in the kitchen sink.

"Bye, mum!" I said somewhat loudly to her in the living room.

"Bye, have a good day! Come here, give me a hug before you go," she told me. I glanced outside the window to the bus, where kids were already loading.

"Mum, I gotta go. I can't miss the bus again. Love you!" I shouted as I walked out the door quickly, speed walking to the bus stop, without giving her a hug.

* flashback over *

Why didn't I give her the damn hug? Who cares if I miss the bus! I'm about to fucking lose her, and I didn't even bother to give her a hug goodbye this morning.

I didn't know that I would never be able to do that again.

I took her for granted.

I buried my face in my arm, letting my sobs take over my body.

---------------------------------------------

Sigh ...

Anyways , guess the song :

'We're not broken just bent

And we can learn to love again .'

First one to get it right gets a shoutout in the next chapter .

Comment , vote , follow , inbox me .

~ nicole x