Lost and Insecure

five

Chapter 5

So yesterday, Drew came home again, and I have to say I've been a lot more happy than I was before he came, with all the stuff from the funeral and family coming in town etc., etc.

In fact, I haven't been so happy in a really long time.

Because, when Drew was on vacation, he went to some animal shelter and got me a kitten! It's the most adorable thing you'll ever see, a grey kitty with stripe-ish fur, little white paws, with the prettiest eyes. They're kind of greenish-yellowish, and so mysterious and just cute. I just want to cuddle with her all day! I think the best thing about it is that it won't ever grow to a little bigger than it is right now.

I named her Jade because of her eyes. I think I've fallen in love with her.

So, lately, I've been losing sleep.

{hahaha kidding this isn't counting stars even though i love that song}

Lately I've been cuddling with Jade on my bay window -- which, by the way, is my favoritest place in the world -- listening to music, reading John Green, going on Tumblr, Wanelo, and Twitter, hanging out with Drew, and drinking coffee. It's been pretty awesome.

I've been trying to do things to take my mind off of the loss of my mum, but mostly at night is when I lose it. It's just so hard, knowing that just a while ago she would come into my room every night and "tuck me in" no matter how old me or Jake were, no matter how much we complained and protested against it. Every night, without fail, no matter how late she got home from her stressful day at work. And now, I practically live alone. She will never get to tuck me in again.

I always took for granted all the things she did for me. Like that stupid hug the morning of when she died. I hated giving her hugs. But for the most part, she wouldn't let me leave without a hug. But of course, the day she died was the day I didn't give her a hug. The day I realized how much she meant to me and all the small things she did, how I will never get them back.

I think at night is always the worst, though. During the day, you have other things that can take your mind off of things. At night, even if you listen to music, you aren't doing anything. You're alone, doing nothing, overthinking. Especially since I have insomnia. It's gotten worse since the loss of her.

So anyway, Drew has tried to spend as much time with me as possible since he got back, but I don't think I've been a very fun person to be around... And you can't really blame me. Even though I wasn't extremely close to her, she was still my mum. She still meant the world to me, no matter what I have said to her.

The best things with her were the small things. I loved our Sunday morning coffee dates before she went to church, sometimes at home and occasionally at Starbucks. I loved our Saturday night movie nights and our Sunday afternoon spa days. I loved how during the holidays, any time we spent together was filled with baking, cooking, craft-making, gift-wrapping, shopping, snowball fights, and all the other fun holiday time activities. Whenever I had a party or get-together with friends, she would make plates and plates piled up with food. And it was always amazing. Whenever we went shopping, she always set a budget at the beginning so I would know for sure how much money I could spend. Even though I always wanted to buy more, she made it fun. We would model ridiculous outfits for each other in the fitting rooms, ask the employees the most awkward and stupid questions possible, prance around the mall like toddlers, make fun of the models and clothes, (especially lingerie) etc. I miss not having to impress someone all the time, and I didn't have to around her.

What I probably regret most -- out of everything, even not giving her the hug that morning! -- was not knowing much about her. I never once thought to ask her about her childhood, her teenage years, if she was a rebel, anything about her before I knew her as my mother. I'll never know how many boyfriends she had as a teen, the craziest prank she pulled, anything that would help me picture her as my age, someone that I could relate to. She was always so selfless, asking about me all the time. It was always how I was, what I want to do, how I feel about things, never her. I really hate myself for that.

I remember almost every Sunday, we would get up, have some coffee, and she would ask me about the latest gossip at my school -- who is dating who out of my friends, rumors going around about teachers and students -- then she would get ready for church. She would take her purse from the coatrack by the front door, grab her keys and her cell phone, then ask; "Do you want to go with me this week?" I always felt bad saying no, but I didn't like going to mass. It was boring and I had "other things to do".

Suddenly the pain is so hard on my heart, my mind, my spirit, tears come flowing down my face. I know I'm a bad person, -- I hate myself and so does everyone else -- but haven't I suffered a lot already? Haven't I gone through a lot?

~Every night she cries herself to sleep, asking "Why does this happen to me? Why does every moment have to be so hard?"~ Maroon 5's songs are so accurate it pains me.

I regret a lot of things. Like the saying goes, "The things you regret the most are the opportunities you didn't take" or however it goes. I never really understood it until now. But now I get it so clearly it hurts my heart.

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ik these arent very long chapters but i just felt like that was a good place to stop idk.

how is everyones thanksgiving? and oMG MIDNIGHT MEMORIES IS PERFECT AHHHHHHH

whats your guyss favorite song(s) from the album? mine are story of my life, happily, you and i, and half a heart. comment yours :)

okay guess the maroon 5 song abovee (the lyrics were 'every night she cries herself to sleep, asking "why does this happen to me? why does every moment have to be so hard?"')

dont forget to vote and comment

also, if anyone could let me know how to help a suicidal friend, one of my friends attempted suicide about a week ago :( i thought she was actually gone until the next day after school like in the evening ... at school i was bawling all day it was so sad. but im really depressed too so if anyone has advice for me or helping a friend then please tell me it would mean a lot.

okay sorry this note was really long but comment and vote please

~ nicole x