Lost and Insecure

nine

Chapter 9 - Drew's POV

It's been 2 days since Delilah attempted suicide. She is still in her coma, but there is no sign of her waking up. The doctors said there is still brain activity and she is stable. But stability is not really a good thing when she has one foot in heaven and one on earth. Stable does not mean getting better. Stable is a never-ending plateau where no matter how far you run, you haven't gotten to higher ground.

I'm not allowed to go in. And it makes it so much worse. What if she dies and I'm not there to hold her hand and let her go, where she'll be happier? What if she wakes up alone? I just... I want to see her. So badly.

Instead of going home and praying like other people, I'm practically living at the hospital in the waiting room. I have my phone, charger, a box of tissues, and a pillow. I've gone home once, to take a shower, and I was even reluctant to do that.

My phone isn't even to distract me from this whole mess, I created an album in my Camera Roll of just pictures of us. It contains over 1,000 pictures. I go through them over and over again, slowly, trying to remember each detail about that day and what we were doing. Anything to hold on to the better times.

Jake, Delilah's brother, comes in every day and sits with me in silence for about 5 hours, then leaves. He doesn't know what to do about it either. I should tell him how this happened, how this was all my fault and that he can kill me if he wants, it would save me the trouble later, but I can't bring myself to tell him. I wouldn't be able to deal with his disappointment and anger, even though I totally deserve every ounce of it. This whole thing just really sucks.

I feel like I should be helping somehow. But I don't know what to do. I honestly feel like someone has sucked all of the light out of the world; all the happiness is gone. To use one of Del's stupid, dorky references, "it's like a dementor lives with me." God, trying to 'live in her memories' is making things worse. I need a time travel machine ASAP because I would appreciate going back to about 3-ish weeks ago when I really should've told her what was going on with my anger management and all. I didn't, and look what happened.

My thoughts are so jumbled, except for the fact that I'm just practically numb. Suicidal thoughts race through my head like Nascar, but I just feel empty.

The sad thing is that I'm too much of a wuss to just end it now. Too sad to even take my own life. Maybe because I still have this little hope that Delilah will wake up, but I don't have the courage to do it. There's a difference between wanting to die and putting a plan into action, and it takes a lot of strength to do the latter.

And even if she does wake up, will she hate me forever? Will she want to leave and never come back to her? How long would it take for me to even be able to see her?

I would hate me, so much, if I were her.

I know I do.

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so its been like forever and a day since I've updated, oops.

depression calls (like "duty calls"). whatever.

I'm so sad right now. I was actually doing really well for a while, I think I was about 3-4 months clean. And then I started having really disturbing and suicidal thoughts that I had no idea where they came from, and I just felt so insecure and ugly and fat because I know I eat way too much and it used to be all in my thighs which sucked but now its in my thighs AND starting on my stomach so that's just grand. It doesn't help that I'm 15 and only 5 foot so my fat is concentrated on a small area so I look even fatter than I think I am.

and then i figured out that my "extra grandpa" died this morning. he was so sweet and nice and i loved him so much and he's just gone :-(

and I know most people just hate long author notes but i just have to vent. and i know this chapter basically sucked so I'm sorry :-(

soo yeah. i dont really have much of a plot going right now and i could use some help so if yall have any good ideas, message me or something.

BYEEE