Lost and Insecure

four

Chapter 4 - 2 weeks later

I look in the mirror, making sure all of my cuts are concealed, checking myself over on how I look. Dressed in all black, my outfit mirrors my mood.

Sad. Depressed. Dark.

I grab my clutch purse on the way out of my room -- black, of course -- and make my way down the stairs. Heads snap in my direction and voices quiet down.

I fucking hate that.

They all feel sorry for me. All my cousins, aunts, uncles, everyone. They feel sorry for me. For the most part, except a couple times in the past two weeks, I've stayed in my room. Too depressed to be able to see anyone. I eat just enough to stay alive, although I look extremely unhealthy. The bracelets on my wrist cover any signs of my severe depression, as well as the fabric over my hips and thighs.

I haven't been doing well.

New cuts are scattered along my skin in various places, hidden from view. I couldn't handle it. Drew still has yet to come back -- a storm delayed his flight. Jake has been off, doing who knows what. Probably with friends, or family members, trying to get his mind off of everything.

Meanwhile, I cope with my mother's death using my old friend the blade.

It's not like I didn't see it coming. She was getting progressively worse, you could tell, even though she never woke up. Day by day, her skin got paler, breathing shallower, heartbeat slower. It's a miracle she even lasted that long.

Family members would come in, ask the doctors how she's doing and everything, but they really didn't say much. Doctors aren't really supposed to establish a false hope. They're supposed to state facts. So that's what they did.

Drew's mum walked over to me and hugged me, wrapping me in her warm embrace. I numbly hugged her back, halfheartedly.

For the past 2 weeks, that's all I've been. Numb.

I get into Drew's mum's car and we travel to the church where the funeral is being held. The family that was at my house follows, and there's more people I know -- and don't know -- who will be coming. More people to give me unwanted sympathy.

Great.

We get to the church and everyone is there. Jake, all my cousins, aunts and uncle, family friends. They're all there. The only one missing is my mum. But she's not coming back.

I wish Drew was here. He would help me through everything, and I wouldn't have to wear as many bracelets, because he would've been able to stop me. But he wasn't there.

I wait until my cue comes from the priest, and walk up to the guitar case lying on the ground at the front of the church. Jake comes up with me, and although he doesn't sing, he comforts me and makes me feel safer and less exposed up there. I take the body of the guitar in my arms and close my eyes as the music takes over my body as I strum the first chord and my voice rings out through the church.

"Heart beats fast, colors and promises

How to be brave?

How can I love when I'm afraid to fall?"

This song has so much meaning for me. It gives me a little bit of hope, letting me know that whatever happens, someone will always love me forever and ever.

"I have died everyday waiting for you,

Darling don't be afraid, I have loved you or a thousand years,

I'll love you for a thousand more."

I finish the rest of the song, trying to let go of my pain like the sound of the guitar and my voice. I feel a weight being lifted off my shoulders, and tears brim my eyes, sliding down my cheeks.

Those were the first tears that I have let fall since her death.

I strum the last chord and let it ring, holding on to the last sounds of the guitar resonating around the church.

"I will always love you, Mummy," I say after the song is finished. I put away the guitar and go back to my seat, Jake's arm around my shoulders. I sit down, letting go of the barricade I put up so my tears wouldn't fall uncontrollably and let them trickle freely down my face. I feel empty, but at the same time, I'm comforted by finally letting my tears out. Like I have let my pain go, even though I'm not over it. I never will be.

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Vote and comment pleeeease .

Ik this chapter was short but I've been having writers block and I've been stressed out and no motivation whatsoever bc I have 11 reads . Yay (totally being sarcastic)

Also if you're not already , read my other book My Harry if you love Harry Styles bc I mean come on , who doesn't

Name the song that Delilah sang for her mother's funeral for the dedication for the next chapter .

This chapter was dedicated to Ashley Scott <3 { @ashleyscott__ } , for getting the song right on last chapter . It was Just Give Me a Reason - P!nk . She's my bae so yeah x

Mkay bye

~ nicole