Lost and Insecure

eight

Chapter 8 - Delilah's POV

Everything is cold. Dark. I don't know if I'm alive or dead, I'm so numb. I hope I'm not alive.

My dreams are disturbing and frightening, each one ending with a death - mine, which I would be okay with; Drew's, my mom's, Jake's, people I don't even know. But all are my fault, and it unsettles me. I can never stop it.

I feel like I'm floating, somewhere between death and life. That's probably where I am. God is most likely wondering whether he should damn my soul in hell forever or mercifully let me be in heaven. I don't think I deserve heaven. I just want to sleep.

Somewhere throughout the haze, I hear voices. I'm hallucinating, imagining, most likely. Drew; he didn't care what happened to me. He drove me towards taking my life. Then he came back. But it was too late. His angry voice cuts through the darkness. My mother; that confuses me. She died, didn't she? She sings the lullaby she used to sing every single night, even recently, before she died.

"I'll love you forever,

I'll like you for always.

As long as I'm living,

My baby you'll be."

I am going crazy, or dead already. I can't decide which.

I feel fragmented, not quite whole. I feel like I'm late, or forgetting something. But how can I be? I'm currently stuck in limbo. This is both wonderful and awful. I feel like I need to do something, but I don't know what.

Time drags on but speeds along. I have no frame of reference. I'm lost in a dark world that is my head, and I can't shake the blackness surrounding me.

What am I going to do?

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Drew's POV

Nothing happening around me fully registers in my mind. I can't grasp the thought of life going on for other people, when the end of the world is happening for me.

Why did I have to yell at her, get mad, push her over the edge of the cliff she was already teetering off of? I should have just told her. She would have understood. I shouldn't have hid it from her, she deserved to know. And now she's practically gone because of me and my inability to keep it in.

I didn't go on a vacation. Well, I did. But the main reason was to get help from a special therapist. I have anger management issues. Getting Delilah the kitten was part of my therapy, although I was supposed to get one for myself. I figured since we were best friends, she would be mine too and I would be around her all the time. Now, I can't stand the fact that Jade might be mine and mine alone. It wasn't supposed to be that way, it wasn't how I planned it.

I just killed my best friend, my sister. All because I didn't tell her the truth. I was ashamed of my problem. How stupid!! Delilah admitted to self-harming and being suicidal and insecure and all these things that she shouldn't be -- she's beautiful -- and yet I can't tell her that I can't keep my anger in? There's something wrong with me, even worse than my anger issues.

I don't know how long I sit in the waiting room, hands pulling my hair out with tears running freely down my face, me trembling with sobs and fear of the worst. When I am called by the doctor, I feel unattached to my body as it gets up and walks to where I will figure out if I will be alive by the end of the night.

"She's alive, and has brain activity. But she's in a coma, which may have saved her life. Her body went into shock after her overdose of medicine, and instead of killing her it just shut her body down. You can't go in, it isn't allowed, but I just thought you might want to know," the doctor says. She speaks slowly and calmly, but a spark of anger ignites in my soul.

"I will go in there if I want to! She's my best friend and I almost killed her! It's my fault, and now you won't let me see her? BULLSHIT! You can't stop me from going in!" My voice is strained and it cracks, but I'm exhausted and tears run down my face, and I make no move towards the door. "I just want sleep..." I whimper and slide down the wall in the hall of the hospital.

I want to sleep and never wake up.

What am I going to do?

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yeah i haven't updated in forever oops. but i'm just sad and don't have motivation for this story or my other story and just sighh. i want to delete them but i don't.

y'all should follow my poetry instagram, @nighttimepoet. i think i'm okay but i'm not like amazing so just give me a chance. but really please follow it?

i don't know what to do right now. soo bye i guess.

nicole :(