I'll Leave You With The Outtakes // Phan

Part 1

Dan swears he's going to scream. If one more stupid reporter, or fan, or coworker hint at him and Phil. Hint at them being together, a couple, in love, married. He will end up screeching if one more bright, smiling interviewer implies that him and Phil are somehow more than friends. Because, that is all that they are. Friends. And if Dan is perfectly honest with himself they aren't even that. He knows he just has to live for two more minutes, just two more. So Dan re-plasters on his fake smile and watches Phil give his accolading farewell to the crowd of fans that is sitting in the seats below them. Phil's a natural really, with fans, with mentioning Dan, and sneaking glances at him.

The perfect business partner. They should've called this The Amazing Lie Is Not On Fire.

Dan starts counting to one hundred and twenty in his head. By one-eighteen it's all over. Finally. Dan gives a halfhearted wave and disappears behind the edges of the stage with Phil at his heels. The mask is dissolving off of Dan's face, not completely. Not yet, not until they are out of the public eye—away from backstage techs and pages and any wayward fans, then he will finally be able to sink into reality. Or—more aptly hide from the world in his room with the door locked and ignore the existence of all other human beings—especially the other human being who will be residing in the flat.

Phil is saying something. Dan isn't listening. If he's being blunt with himself, he doesn't care. All he can think is that it's one more over, one more appearance down—out of an infinite amount. He snaps something rude at Phil just to get him to shut up. This is a skill that Dan has gotten all too adept at over the past two years. Getting Phil to piss off and leave him alone by being an asshole. He should have a shiny, framed Master's Degree in that exact expertise.

It's one thing to live with your best friend.

It's another to be inexplicably associated with a person who you share cold silences with unless on camera or being watched.

Dan should've known what he was getting into when he had decided that Phan was the perfect brand name to make his career soar. Not that it hadn't worked...because Phan is what pays Dan's bills. It made him famous.

Phan is his career. Even if it had once been more than that.

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Dan just wants to go home. He wants to be there already, enraptured in familiarity and divided by walls. But instead he has to endure the rest of this bus ride. Endless monotony of wheels spinning on pavement, and Phil silently reading a novel in the seat across from him.

If Dan weren't feeling generally salty he might actually try to engage in conversation with Phil. Maybe even stiffly apologize for being an arse. He would smooth a rigid laugh at one of Phil's poor attempts at a joke to soften things between them. Even though Dan knows a bit more congeniality on his part would make all of the Next Times easier, he can't quite muster the effort.

Phil is all frowns and fringe, not even noticing that Dan is staring at him, watching Phil's eyes flick across the page through the glare of his glasses. At one point in time Dan might've found the way Phil's teeth dig into his bottom lip in captivation endearing.

Now, he grinds his jaw and tries to brush off the flick of irritation.

-

Dan toes off his shoes the moment they walk through the door to the flat and makes a beeline for his room. He collapses face-first onto his duvet and just breathes in the familiar smell of the fabric softener they use. God, he is just so glad to be home.

The door closed. The space free of prying eyes.

He hadn't quite realized just how exhausted he was, until now. Now Dan is distinctly aware that his feet are sore from standing all day, lower back aching from the car drive and attempts at good posture. All of his muscles just feel weak.

But now Dan is home and he can peel off his jeans and curl up under the covers and sleep for twelve hours until Phil banging ape-like around the kitchen will wake him up and Dan will be forced to face the reality of daylight. Even if it is noon by the time he normally gets up. The fact that his sleeping habits annoy Phil makes keeping them up all the more rewarding.

Dan tries to ignore the fact that in a few very short days he will have to do this all over again.

Another bus ride.

Another city. More fans, more onlookers, more 'shippers'. More acting.

And then Dan is nearly tempted to cry. But this is what he wanted isn't it? To be famous, successful? This is what Dan wanted.

-

Some stupid fan brings it up—so maybe she's not stupid, but Dan can't help but feel bitter—and then he can't stop thinking about it. It echoes through Dan's mind for the rest of the Meet and Greet. And the very next moment that Dan has alone. (Which admittedly, he hides in a loo...)

Dan watches it.

He's an idiot. And in that moment that he actually types in the dreaded words to the YouTube App search bar on his phone, Dan has never hated himself more.

Because while that fangirl with the dip dyed hair and nervous giggle might enjoy this, Dan can't.

He feels sick.

More than that, he's angry.

Angry that he can't turn back time and stop himself from ever agreeing to the video.

But Fetus Dan is laughing at something Fetus Phil just said, and they both have cringe-worthy hair but they both look so goddamn happy. Even with the shitty camera quality and the poor editing, the emotions still leak through the footage. Dan just wants to scream at his former self to stop flirting, you fucking idiot! but instead he watches Phil tackle the younger him to the ground.

Then there's a jump cut. Nice editing there, Phillip, Dan thinks. As if it wasn't obvious, as if no one would be able to tell.

Or maybe it's only obvious to Dan because he knows exactly what happened in those seconds that Phil cut out.

In the moment Dan had thought it was an accident at first, that Phil's lips had just accidentally collided with his.

But—of course--the aftermath had proved that completely wrong. Dan simply stares at the end shot of the video. Heart hands and nervous smiles.

It makes him angry, something in Dan's gut curls at the sight of him and Phil like this. So comfortable with each other, so couple-like, so...different. And of course they'll make a Phil Is Not On Fire 7, with cat whiskers for the 'lols'. But it will never be like before.

Dan decides he's been hiding away for too long, and he should actually get back to his job. He tucks his phone away, and tries to remember what he's supposed to be. Who he is supposed to act enamored with. The persona is almost natural to slip into.

Danisnotonfire and his best-friend (maybe lover) AmazingPhil, the dynamic duo. Just like they were in 2009 but with better cameras and better hair.

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