I'll Leave You With The Outtakes // Phan

Part 7

The car ride home is hell. Phil's eyes are rimmed in red, and he keeps checking his phone and tapping things out ,then glancing worriedly at Dan. He must be texting PJ, Dan decides. But it's killing Dan the way Phil keeps trying to say something, opening his mouth, but not voicing whatever's on his mind. And finally, Phil actually manages to speak,"Do you want to talk about it?" he asks.

"No,"Dan snaps, the look of hurt on Phil's face instantly making him regret his tone. A very new feeling, actually regretting hurting Phil, instead of reveling in it. Dan stays turned away from Phil, his eyes locked fixedly out the window where the streets and traffic of London is blurring in Dan's eyes as they pass. He presses his forehead against the cool glass and sucks in the deepest breath he can manage.

Right now, breathing is no trouble, he doesn't need a vent to do it for him. But a nagging voice in Dan's head is wondering how long it will be before that isn't the case.

"Please,"Phil says softly, his eyes trained on the back of Dan's head,"Please don't do this."

"Do what?"

"Shut me out,"Phil supplies, his voice is almost painful to listen to, Dan doesn't want to hear Phil like this."You've been shutting me out for the past two years, please don't do it now."

"What about YouTube?"he mumbles,"What'll we tell everyone?"

Everyone doesn't have to be clarified, because everyone is so much more than Dan's family, it's more than his old Uni friends. He doesn't know what he's going to tell millions of subscribers, what he's going to tell his mum, or Tyler, or Grimshaw.

"I—I don't know,"Phil's voice is so small, that if it weren't for the dead silence between them, Dan wouldn't've heard it.

-

"Please, Dan, we have to--."

Dan slams the door in Phil's face, the resounding thunk cutting off Phil's words.

"Just leave me the fuck alone!"

He fumbles with the lock on the door knob, his fingers too uncoordinated and his manner too frantic to get it latched. He can't breathe, his eyes are stinging with tears that Dan refuses to let fall. Dan sinks against the door instead, leaning his head back against the paneling and listening to his heart pound in his chest.

Nothing has changed. Nothing will ever change. Dan is nauseous and empty and his heart seems to want to explode, but Dan's okay with that because he can feel it. Feel that he's alive. And without even realizing it he's crying. The tears heavy on his lashes. It's not the pretty type of crying, it's all sobs and hiccups and snot. He can't even see straight, and his body is shaken with each ragged intake of breath.

He hears a soft thud, as Phil sits on the ground on the other side of the door.

"Go away,"Dan hisses, he doesn't want Phil to see him like this, to hear him like this. He wants to be alone.

"Bear,"Phil starts, his voice slightly muffled by the wood between them.

"Don't,"Dan snaps,"Don't call me that." Dan's teeth are clenched so tightly that his jaw is starting to ache. He can't hold back the memories. All of the times Phil's called him 'bear'...and thinking about it fucking hurts. From the very first time the nickname was conceived: "I love you, bear." Too the very last time it was used, two whole years ago: "Bear, please no—we can work this out. I love you. I love you so much and I just wanted to world to know it, and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Please forgive me, please bear, I'm begging you."

And now twice more.

Because Dan is dying.

Phil is calling him bear again.

Next it will be love confessions. And he can't handle that, he can't. Not when Dan's been spending the last two years training himself to hate everything associated with Phil. Not when he has tried so hard to shove all of those feelings and memories into some cavern of his mind. Pad-locked and bolted, only occasionally stumbled upon in moments of dark thoughts or existential crisis.

They are a black swirling vortex of pain and insanity and Dan doesn't want that.

"I'm sorry,"Phil mumbles, and Dan knows he means it. Phil's sorry for a whole lot more than using an old pet name.

"I'm sorry, but, I'm not leaving."

The grooves in the door are pressing into his skull, the tears are blistering on his red and puffy face. Anger is so much easier to cope with than sadness.

"Fuck you,"Dan spits,"I hate you so fucking much, you know that right? I hate you, Phil. God, I hate you more than anything in the entire universe. Fuck you."

"I don't care." Everything would be so much easier if Phil would be mad at him. Yell back. Scream. That way they could fight, like usual. Really, Dan knows that Phil doesn't care. If Phil cared about Dan hating him, than he would've left a long time ago, brand name be damned. But Phil's still here for some reason, and even more mysteriously, Dan stayed too. That he really doesn't understand...maybe he stayed for the career. Maybe he stayed because Dan has never known anything else. Anything but life with Phil. He presses his lips together for a moment, willing himself not to sob.

"I know you don't."

"I'm not leaving,"Phil repeats,"Ever."

"I'm not going to be able to walk,"Dan's hands are clenched into the carpet, all of the muscle strength he has digging into the ground to try and keep him sane, his knuckles are turning white. "Or eat. Or speak. You really want to see all that. You really want to have to deal with me when I'm a literal vegetable."

"Please," Dan all but whimpers,"Please don't stay."

"Oh, Dan," Phil sighs,"You know I'd never leave. Would never fucking leave you, not ever."

Dan is on the brink of a panic attack, or a break down, or something, his words only coming in little gasps."You do realize it's going to get bad, right? It's going to get bad. I'm going to get really, really bad and you're gonna have to...like, care for me and it's going to be horrible." His voice is barely a whisper.

"Do you really think I would leave now, of all times?" Phil sounds wounded.

"I want you to leave."

"Too bad,"Phil says simply. It isn't Dan's choice, it's Phil's and he loathes that fact.

He can only croak out his question, cursing his voice when it breaks on the word."Why?"

"Same reason why you hate me." As much as Dan wants to deny it, Phil's is right. It is the same reason.

"Because—,"he stutters, terrified to voice it aloud, somehow it will make it more true,"Because I used to love you." Dan's stomach clenches at the thought, and the room seems to narrow around him. Tears are unbidden, but start falling again anyway.

"I promised you forever and I meant it." Phil is crying now too, Dan can tell from how he speaks.

"That was six years ago." Six years ago, before everything went to hell. Before they both changed. Before they broke up. Before Dan was dying.

"I don't care. Don't care how bad you get. Don't care how long it's been. Forever, that's what I promised and that's how long I'll stay. Forever, okay?"

"You mean that now, but you're going to regret it," Dan protests shakily.

"I've never regretted one moment I've spent with you." All of the remaining air rushes out of Dan's lungs. He blinks, confused. Yet, Dan doesn't argue, he means to ask why, or call Phil out for lying, but instead all that escapes is a near whimper.

"I'm scared."

"Me, too," Phil says in a tiny voice.

They stay like that for a while, heads pressed against the door, listening to each other breathe.

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