I'll Leave You With The Outtakes // Phan

Part 17

Phil wakes up unusually early one morning, and right before he rolls back over to go back to sleep, he remembers. Today is Dan's birthday, and his eyes fall on the sleeping boy next to him. Phil's never really taken the time to notice how small Dan seems, he's lost muscle mass, and weight. There are sharp angles and eyes hollowed out in purple half-moons. He runs a hand tentatively over Dan's sleep-warmed side, his touch lingers on where Dan's ribs seem too prominent beneath his shirt. Phil has to swallow back his panic.

Dan is practically a small giant, but now looking at him, he seems tiny and frail in the sheets around him.

He doesn't eat as much anymore, says it's too much work. Phil's terrified that's it the beginning signs of dysphasia.

"Dan,"he murmurs, sinking back down beside Dan, and wrapping an arm over him,"Good morning. 'Morning, Dan. It's your birthday, love."

It takes quite a bit of coaxing before Dan stops groaning and turning away, and finally lets his eyelashes flutter open.

"Go 'way, Phil,"Dan groans, his words blurry with sleep. Or that's what Phil wants to believe, he can't stand the idea that Dan's words might actually be starting to slur already.

"Can't do that, you have to get up."

Dan grumbles once more,"Fuck off."

"Love you too." He leans over Dan and presses their lip together, noses brushing as Dan's firmly crinkled closed eyelids soften. "Happy Birthday."

"Can't believe it is,"Dan grumbles, and as Phil's eyes linger on Dan's face—it dawns on him. He and Dan have no idea how many more birthdays there will be. The time already seems to be flying by them, and he can feel a lump forming in the back of his throat. The thoughts make him sad, and he doesn't want to be sad today, on Dan's birthday. He deliberately forces his attention back on Dan.

He's looking less small now that's he's half sitting up, hair sticking out in all directions.

"You're nearly ancient now."

Dan brushes his lips together, suppressing his smile,"Says the YouTube dinosaur."

-

They spend Dan's birthday tangled up on the couch marathon-ing Lord of the Ring's movies, some of Dan's favorites. Phil makes pancakes, and even though Dan doesn't eat much he likes the smell and watching Phil make a mess of the kitchen, throwing in bad innuendos every now in then.

"I got you a present,"Phil tells him later that night, closing his fingers tightly around the object in his hand.

"You didn't have to—."

"Yes, yes I did,"he says with a small smile. There's something churning in Phil's gut that actually feels like nervousness. This is worse than when he and Dan auditioned for the BBC, worse than performing for the Big Hero Six directors. It's even worse than the Time They Met One Direction. Phil's not sure if this is what Dan wants, he doesn't know if it's a good idea. God—he just doesn't know. There are too many variables. But hadn't Dan said one of the items on his list was to say yes more? Phil's just begging that this ends with a yes.

He doesn't get on one knee—that seems stupid, considering.

Holding out a hand, Phil unclenches his fingers, displaying his palm,"I want to marry you."

For a moment, Dan frowns looking confused. The confusion gradually dissipates and he blinks at Phil, staring for a long time and his eyes are getting really, really glassy and oh, he's going to cry and Phil has to stop himself from leaning over and kissing him to stop the flow of tears.

Dan opens his mouth, then snaps it closed again without a word, reaching out instead and fingering the ring of metal in Phil's palm. He picks it up clumsily, looking at it closely with glistening eyes.

"It's black,"Dan murmurs.

So it's not a yes, but it's not a no either,"Yeah, like your soul."

Much to Phil's relief the comment draws a smile out of Dan. He runs his thumb over the three small glints of diamond that are encrusted in the dark metal.

"They—they're like stars. Or something—I just kept thinking of me asking you to stay. And this means staying. Even when you're—you're gone. And I just saw it and thought of you kissing me...kissing me under the light of a thousand stars." The words gush out of Phil, he's trying to explain or if nothing else to fill the silence. "You know how the phans would always make edits or draw us or whatever, where you were Space Dan and I was Sky Phil, or something. Where you're the stars, I'm the sky. It's like that stupid eclipse shirt. I don't know but—."

"Yes,"Dan says all at once, voice sharp.

"What?"

"I said yes,"Dan repeats carefully,"It...was on my list actually. Number eight. Get married." To further solidify the point, Dan fumbles the ring onto his finger. Pushing it into place.

And, fuck. Now Phil's crying, too. He can't keep the stupid, happy grin off his face. He doesn't have time to process, before Dan is stumbling into his arms, and they're a tangle of limbs, crutches, tears, and kisses.

With his head buried against Phil's chest, Dan sees it. A small tell-tale red light. The nerves pool in Phil's gut again, he's not sure how Dan will take to—

"You filmed it,"Dan chokes.

"Yeah, I—."

"Thank you. God, thank you so much. Thank you. I love you."

Then Dan's pressing kisses all over him again, sagging into Phil's arms. It's not really the reaction he expected. It's even better. Phil's heart swells. With Dan in his arms, he feels like he can do anything.

-

He shows Dan his ring the following Monday, when it comes in.

"I could've had it earlier,"he explains. Holding the small velvet box like the treasure that it is,"But I wanted it perfect."

"I don't know,"Dan drawls, his cheeks dimpling from the wide smile that's stretched across his face,"You can't get much more perfect than mine." They both glance at the black ring of metal that is on the hand resting in Dan's lap.

He does that a lot now. Let's his hands rest. Only walks using crutches, they've discussed getting a chair because...Dan gets tired...the topic was only met with a glare. Same with moving, all of those steps aren't easy on Dan—but he refuses. Says he doesn't need a chair or less steps and so Phil doesn't push it quite yet.

He knows that Dan is grasping for any sense of self-proficiency he can find.

Instead of replying, Phil opens the box. He lets Dan see before pulling out the ring and pinching it between two fingers.

Dan swallows thickly...or he struggles to swallow, Phil can't tell anymore. But he watches the way Dan's smile falls, and his heart falls with it.

"Please don't be sad."

"'M not sad,"Dan mumbles, without breaking his eyes away from the silver band,"I'm happy. I'm—I'm really fucking happy."

Phil doesn't trust his voice. He slides the ring on his finger first.

"Thought it was the best thing really. To sum all of this—all of us—up."

He glances down and studies his hand, and the words that are engraved into the ring.

Hello Internet

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