I'll Leave You With The Outtakes // Phan

Part 18

"We're going,"Dan says firmly, pushing two sheets of paper into Phil's hands without a further word of explanation, crumpling them slightly in the process.

"Dan,"Phil says slowly, running his eyes over the pages and feeling more confused by the instant,"Theses are flight confirmations."

"No shit, Sherlock."

"Flight confirmations for two tickets roundtrip, three weeks from now to Anaheim, California."

Dan nods curtly, and Phil's not looking for a fight, he just wants to know what the hell is going through Dan's brain.

"I made a few last minute calls. And we're going."

"We haven't posted anything in months, and we're just going to show up at VidCon and...?"

With a smirk, Dan meets his gaze,"And I'm going to do something really fucking stupid."

He continues, with eyes that look like they're laughing, but Phil's still waiting on the joke,"I'm going to walk up on a stage. And then I'm going to kiss you, really really kiss you. Like make some phangirls pass out, kiss you. Then we can fly home."

Phil processes for a minute, glancing from the ring on Dan's finger, to the glinting silver on his own hand.

"Have I ever mentioned that I love you?,"he says playfully after a moment.

"Maybe a few times."

"Mmm just in case you missed it, I love you. And it sounds like a terrible idea so...it's perfect."

-

The day has forever imprinted itself into Phil's head, for multiple reasons. Nineteenth of October. A nervous pale-skinned boy, a bus ticket, and a first kiss. Now, an officiant, two suits, a dozen plane tickets, and a court house.

It doesn't matter that Dan's propped up on crutches, because he's just as beautiful as the day Phil met him. He and Dan both smile so much that they're cheeks feel sore. But it's the right type of smile.

They both cry.

So do their mums.

And Tyler Oakley.

-

Really, Phil has so many things that he should be doing. Arrangements to make, hospital bills to pay, doctors to question. But it's a dreary autumn day out, and Phil—he just can't stand to leave Dan alone and yet he has. 

Though, he hardly does anymore. Occasionally for runs to the grocery store, or to pick up take out dinner. Even if he knows Dan's fine alone, he wants every possible second spent next to his husband. Husband, husband, husband, it's a word Phil could say a million times over in his head and never tire of.

A few times Dan spends the day with Louise while Phil gets some cleaning down, or when he needs a bit to breathe. But it's hard to breathe without Dan there.

"I missed you,"is the first thing out of Phil's mouth once he's said hello to Louise, already dragging Dan into his arms, or kissing his forehead and mussing Dan's hair to grumbling.

"Of course I missed you,"Dan says, it's the most obvious thing in the world to say.

Louise grins from behind them,"What am I then, chopped liver?"

"No hard feelings, Louise, but Phil married me." Twitching his arm in her direction, Dan makes a mock show of admiring his wedding ring with a soft smile.

"Should I get down on one knee and propose then?,"Louise asks.

"No, but I will give you a goodbye hug,"Dan laughs and wraps an arm around Louise, planting a kiss on her cheek.

"Bye, Lou,"Phil gives her a hug on the way out, and Louise responds with the standard call me if you need anything.

When they get back home, Phil has to practically drag Dan up the stairs. But he doesn't bring up the 'moving' issue because it's been pretty nice day and he doesn't want to ruin it. And after they're inside, he doesn't get the chance, because Dan disappears into his bedroom. Which is now their communal bedroom really. Dan's furiously working on some sort of project, but Phil manages to coax him away from it. Using lots of kisses and a bag of malteasers.

It's really nice to hear Dan say Phil in that voice. Not yelling at him, not crying. Even with the slight slur, the way Dan says Phil's name still reminds him of laughter.

He doesn't eat much, Phil can't really talk him into it. Dan only manages a few spoonful's of soup, snuggled up with Phil in bed while they watch American Horror Story. Dan falls asleep halfway through the episode, breathing soft and even but Phil keeps his ear pressed to his chest the entire night long, eventually drifting off to the even lull of Dan's heart.

It's a good night.

It's one of the last good nights he'll have.

-

Dan likes being read to, but he likes it more when Phil just talks, because his voice is always quiet and he never speaks to Dan like he can't understand. Mostly, though, Dan just likes to listen, and it's weird because Dan is usually the one talking, filling the room with his presence but things are different now and Phil gets that and it's good. It's okay.

They have to do everything for him now. Adjust his legs, comb his hair. Dan slurs his apologies. He's tired a lot.

Phil wants to be sick. He can't believe that just weeks ago Dan was talking, walking even, laughing and pressing kisses onto Phil's nose. Now he's struggling to even breathe, he can't swallow. He can't even move. It's the worst nightmare Phil has ever been in, and he can't wake up.

Louise stops by, so do Chris and PJ. They pull up a couple of chairs by Dan's bed and talk to him. Joking and laughing.

Louise is the one that yanks him out into the hall, she holds Phil by his shoulders and makes him swear. Promise me you're eating, and sleeping, and caring for you too, Phil...because you have to care for yourself if you want to be able to care for Dan.

He tells her over and over. He's fine. Phil really is fine. He just wants to be with Dan.

"Do you want to watch something?" Phil asks him one morning.

The noise that comes from Dan's mouth is completely unintelligible. He purses his lips, eyes narrowing in panic and tongue poking out a little as he concentrates. Trying to form the words with his mouth, but the muscles just refuse to cooperate.  Finally, with a look of hopelessness and defeat, he shakes his head, eyes getting glassier by the minute.

"It's okay,"Phil assures quickly, even though nothing about it is okay,"Doesn't matter anyway."

Tears gloss down Dan's cheeks, he doesn't think its okay either. So this is aphasia, this is what it looks like.

Dan opens his mouth again, grunting a single word four times before Phil understands.

It's his name.

"I'm here, bear,"he brushes a finger over Dan's sallow cheek,"I love you. I love you so much."

Dan doesn't say it, but Phil can read his eyes. I love you too. He waits until Dan is asleep to let his face relax and crumble.

He really doesn't want Dan to see him cry.

-